


Imtimidation

by AqueousHumor



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Don't like rushed romance, F/M, I don't know what I am doing with my life, My First Fanfic, Slow Romance, They need to go through more together, manga-based
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-03-31 23:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 40
Words: 60,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3997150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AqueousHumor/pseuds/AqueousHumor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m not the protagonist of a novel or anything…</p><p>I’m a ghoul, like you could find anywhere. But only if you find out that I am a ghoul, otherwise I look the same as you, a human. I befriend them, I eat them, I laugh with them, I show them my canines, I tear off juicy flesh, and eat like how you would eat a burger after hours of starvation. </p><p>As I have said, I am not that special to earn the place as a protagonist of a book. But… if, for argument’s sake, you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be… a boredom.</p><p>Because, it will be an unending cycle of repeating events, unless interrupted by something. </p><p>Or someone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intimidation: I

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Tokyo Ghoul. 
> 
> I only take the setting and some plot from Tokyo Ghoul (because the protagonist [Xandra] does interact with characters in the manga).
> 
> I want to develop my own character in this setting and have her own story that does not just revolve around Kaneki or any character in the original story. Though it MIGHT become like that later in the story. [let us revolve around Kaneki like he's the sun and we are the planets *.*]
> 
> First time writing fanfic! Please don't be too harsh or anything! Thank you! :D
> 
> Comments for improvement or compliments(tho idk if I deserve that) are welcomed! Kudos? Yeah, give me some. XD

Intimidation: I

Very worried is just a understatement of what I am feeling now. I am beyond being just worried.

I am also terrified, because at any moment now, my name will be called and my exam paper will be given back to me.

This piece of paper determines how I will live my life, or if I am able to continue living at all.

That's an exaggeration.

But seriously, I need to pass this test and stop staying in this grade.

There is a limit to how many years you can stay in the same grade in a University. And of course, I haven't reach the limit yet. But still! For the sake of my dignity, I don't want to stay in this grade anymore.

It's already shameful enough to stay for a year, but another year as well-

"Xandra."

Oh shit.

I shoot up, almost knocking off the chair I have been sitting on, earning a few snickers from those bastards that has apparently passed the exam.

Or not. Would they care about their scores like me?

I take a deep breath subtly, trying to put on a facade. People see me as being indifferent, but inside, I am trying very hard to make my legs walk without shaking.

One step after another. I can feel the crunch of my heels on the floor, the dry ground that is cleaned with diluted acid every few hours. It's unbearably clean in here.

When I hold out my hands to recieve it, the professor says, "well done." He smiles a bit, and I let out a breath.

"Thank you, professor."

I look directly to his eyes with my one and only functional eye, showing genuine gratitude. I hope he understands it.

He nods and I take the cue as going back to my seat. Crumbling the place at where my mark is written on, I walk back to my seat while dodging a few people that is going out for their paper. I smoothen the paper out when I sit down.

Eighty-seven percent. Not bad. In fact, the best I have done so far.

Maybe I can have a feast tonight? For doing so well? I should celebrate, because I am definitely going for another grade and not learning the same things all over again.

Last year I failed my exam because I was on the brink of death, and the reason? Starvation.

A starved ghoul is never a good thing, to humans at least. It makes them crazy, they will do everything -usually without thinking- just to have a taste of the human flesh. There are a lot of ghouls like this. And the lives of many of these impetuous ghouls, are taken easily by the CCG, perhaps with the cost of a few doves occasionally. I shrug internally, I don't care. I haven't seen them when I hunt before, and I have no interest meeting them anytime soon.

The bell for the lesson to finish has rung, I stuff the paper in my bag and walk out of the classroom.

While thinking who I should eat, I stumble into another person.

He falls onto the floor, his book lying next to him, the pages surely crumbled a bit, I hope it's not torn.

"I am really sorry." He lifts himself up and I retrieve his book.

"It-it's fine. I am sorry too, I wasn't looking." He chuckles nervously while holding his book to his chest.

He has black hair, just like the majority of the students in this place, Kamii University.

"Is your book okay? It's not damaged or anything, right?" I glance curiously at the book, the Black Goat's Egg.

I have heard of the author, Takatsuki Sen. Famous for her horror stories and beautiful appearance. Unlike other authors, there is not much information about her, absolutely nothing. Perhaps behind the beautiful mask is an ugly being?

I feel a light tap on my shoulder, it's foreign and weak. I almost grip the hand snap it into half by instinct, but I catch myself and lower my hand.

"Um. E-excuse me? You spaced off for a bit, are you feeling okay?"

I turn my attention back to the boy, he's just another nerd with dorky black hair and a book. If we are in a fictional world, I cannot imagine him to be a protagonist or anything major, except perhaps those kind of characters that dies at the first scene in the background. The kind of people no one cares about and only adds up to a number in some statistics.

Note the main point, in a fictional world. In reality, I have completely no idea what they do after they graduate. I mean, 'nerd' describes a student that works very hard academically, and hardly socialize at all, right? Or am I wrong, does 'nerd' apply to grown-ups as well?

"I am fine, I am sorry that I worried you. I didn't hear what you said, so can you please tell me again?"

"Oh." He chuckles nervously again. "I said it's fine, no damage at all."

He glances curiously at my right eye. When I catch his gaze, he quickly turn away, embarassed. Of course he would be, anyone who is caught staring at someone's defective weird looking eye would be embarassed, unless the person has no shame.

I am not completely blind, though my right one is. I contemplate for a while.

I have decided.

"It's a born defect." I say non-chalently, while wondering what his reactions will be. I always find it amusing how people will apologize to me after I tell them that, though it can be annoying at times when they over said the word 'sorry'.

"Then you must be seeing more than I do, right?" He smiles warmly, still hugging the book to his chest.

I am surprised. No one has ever told me that before. Everyone, including me, just assume I would be seeing less for using only one eye. It makes it easier to have other defects like short-sightedness.

He glances down at his watch.

His eyes are grey. That's the first time I notice it. "Oh! I have to go now, I am really sorry for bumping into you."

I shake my head, "same goes for me." I pause for a second before adding, "if fate wants it, we might see each other again. After all," I lift my thumb towards the school buildings, "we do study in the same university."

He grins happily. "Yeah. Let's see each other some time." He glances at his watch again, his face changed from calm to nervous comically. "I really have to go. Bye!" He waves.

I wave without saying anything and watch him leave.

I know who to devour tonight.


	2. Intimidation: II

Intimidation: II

"If I were you, I would stay here. Quietly, obediently, submissively." I sing it to my food tonight, a ghoul that I have been in acquaintance with a long time ago. I don't like him.

"Please! Don't! We are of the same race, we should work together. We eat humans, we shouldn't eat each other!" The man cries.

"Shut up." My kagune is ready and out for some spilling of blood, no matter human or ghoul.

I don't care about the taste. I just need some food to eat for celebration, then I can go back home with a full stomach for once and sleep happily.

With a flick of my kagune, shards swish in the air and pin the man onto the wall. Just like how a frog will be pinned on a table for its skin to be sliced and experiments to be done on.

Except, I am not experimenting.

With another flick of my kagune, a shard stuck itself deep into the man's throat, rendering him voiceless. I need no one screaming.

I grin maliciously, I like being in the upperhand. Who doesn't? I feel powerful, I feel hungry for more.

I lick the base of his neck, then took a bite off his shoulder.

Ugh, disgusting. At least it's not as disgusting as human food.

It's bitter, but sweet at the same time.

Someone told me that before.

_Whether or not you can taste the sweetness, depends on your ability to withstand the bitterness._

And after eating both humans and ghouls, I can proudly say, the bitterness doesn't affect me anymore.

"Ple-please." He is voiceless, but I can still hear the words clearly.

"No." At that, I smash my hand through his pulsing heart and pull the remaining of the organ out. Throwing it away, I continue eating the limp dead body. I hate eating the heart anyway. Too much liquid, too much warmth, too hard, not as tender as the half assed muscles that most people have.

And most importantly, I feel like I am eating their emotions too. So I set some rules for myself, which I gladly obliged unless I hate your guts. The rule is, I will not eat the organs, only the muscles.

I usually eat the shoulder's first, then the arms, ignoring the butt because it's mostly fat and I think it's disgusting to even touch a place as smelly as that, then finally, the best part. The calf is the best, needless to say. For a normal body, the calf contains well balanced fat and muscles, making it tender but not completely like a sponge.

We, the recently dead ghoul body and I, are in an abandoned building. Though abandoned, it's in the city. So if you come here alone and you are a human, you will be most likely devoured by a ghoul. This is a feeding ground for us. I eat undisturbed, and head back to my home after putting on a black jacket and wiping my mouth with it. No one will see the blood on my sleeves anyway.

Then, I hear a scream.

Suddenly alert, I look around for any unseen observers.

The second scream comes, and I hear some sinister laughing. Walking towards the source of voice, I look out at the darkened street.

I see two blobs, one chasing another. The one being chased is holding his shoulder, and the one chasing has his kagune out.

Wait. It's not 'his'. Isn't that-

Rize? The Binge Eater?

I shake my head, another poor soul. Facing Rize must be very horrible. She puts up a pretty face and lures you into her big fat boobs, and then you suddenly realise you are bleeding.

Though I cannot sympathise the horror he must be facing, I can only pray he will die soon. Better as painlessly as possible.

I walk away from them, it's none of my business. Better not be in any contact with these kind of famous ghouls, they bound to get you in trouble.

After a while, I heard heavy metals clanking.

Curious, I look back. Metals that were once up in the air is now gone, with the string swaying slightly in the wind. I look at the roof. They are scattered.

Perhaps Rize plays too much with her food that even the string is destroyed?

Whatever.

I turn back to the front and walk silently back to my apartment. The human night watcher glances at me curiously for my dark appearance. I nod at him in politeness and press for the lift.

"Sorry miss, the lift is not working. You have to take the stairs, sorry for the inconvenience." He stands and bow.

"It's alright, I need some exercise anyway. I have eaten too much food for dinner." I bow and head for the back staircase.

He sits back, there is something weird about his tone. Though polite, it seems... something is off. He's hiding something. I feel the adrenaline pumping due to possible danger.

Perhaps there is something here? Maybe he knows I am a ghoul? It is dark in here, but due to my heightened senses after food consumption, I can see clearly.

Passing a window, I stop. The feeling is getting too strong.

I close my eyes a bit. No matter how small, I can hear it. The slight shuffling and the controlled breathing. I have to get out of here. I don't know if it is a human or a ghoul.

I open the window soundlessly, really glad that the hinges are well-oiled, and jump off. It is three stories high. My kagune is out and instead of falling onto the ground, I glide over and back. Maybe I can fly up there.

I treasure my kagune very much, instead of a tail, a shell or some tentacles, I get my wings.

A pair of wings. The well known symbol of freedom.

Freedom.

What is freedom? In this unfair world, the world that has so much wrong, can humans even live happily? Knowing that the person next to you might be gone any day, the one you love eaten by the monster with a human hide.

I land on the floor where my door to my apartment is right in front of me.

Can we ghouls live happily too? Without being hated by the most of the population in the world, feeling the obscene insults clawing your back, feeling so unjustified.

You know, if I can, I really want to fly to university instead of being squished along with hundreds of bodies, and not experiencing the horror of almost missing your stop because you made a wrong choice of going to far opposite to the side of the train which you will exit from.

I throw the clothes onto the floor, dried blood is caked in my fingernails. I don't think anyone has seen it, or else I will be suspected. It's dark outside.

Hm. My brain goes back to the afternoon which I have bumped into the boy. I wonder what he was in a rush for, maybe a date? I chuckle humorlessly to myself.

Nineteen years of age and I haven't even started dating anyone. Maybe my blind eye chased away any suitors? Or maybe my cold appearance just isn't that attractive?

My right eye is just white and cloudy, if you look at them long enough, you feel as if it can really see. Because I got scared by myself once.

I open both my eyelids because the feeling of just blinking with one eye is weird. I don't want an eyepatch, so my white eye is for everyone to see and judge. Not that I care about their judgement

I lower my head, the water runs down my neck along the spine.

My hair is ordinarily black, just like the majority of people in Japan, unless they dyed their hair brown or whatever anime-style colour.

In this stressful world, no wonder there are so many people becoming- what's that word? Oh yes. Otaku.

Sighing, people who started this journey has no return. Complete obsessiveness, just like Rize.

I lie on my bed, sighing again. I may develop a headache if I don't dry my hair. But I am too sleepy.

My eyelids begin to drop, slightly turning my back, I let the tip of my wing turn off the light switch, and completely fall asleep.


	3. Intimidation: III

Intimidation: III

Another boring day for the boring me, I haven't seen the boy since the first time we meet.

Maybe fate doesn't want us to meet the second time.

The day after my sort-of feast, there's news all over the TV that there is an accident near the place I ate. Of course I know they are reporting what I have seen that night.

It's getting annoying now that they keep reporting this, repeating again and again, saying the same things.

They make it so dramatic.

Humans, no, everyone just like to dramatize about different things.

"You know, my boyfriend, he gave me a keychain!" A girl nearby boasted about her stupid keychain.

And the other girls gush.

"Oh! So cute!"

"I wish I have one too."

"I want a boyfriend."

Annoying people doing annoying things.

"Xandra! Don't be so lonely over there." I glare at the person who called me, only to find my human best friend waving at me. Her smile falters at the heat of my glare, I relax. I know I am scary.

"Hey, Yuki." She walks over to my seat.

"You know the news? It's getting pretty big." She stares over at the noisy girls, her eyebrow twitches in irritation.

"How could I not know?" I sigh heavily. And here she is going to talk about stuff I know.

She leans back and look at the ceiling of the cafeteria. "So you know that the victim in this case actually studies in this university. I guess there really is nothing you don't know."

I raise my eyebrows, though she doesn't see it.

"He studies Japanese literature, it seems."

"Anyone else knows about it?" He is alive, says so the news reporters.

"Not a lot of people. They are trying to keep it a secret for the sake of protecting the privacy of the victim, in case he comes back of course." My friend is resting her head on her hands, some perverted guys walk pass, glancing at her breasts.

"I see." I glare at them, they quickly retreat.

With that, a short period of tranquility is enjoyed.

"I can pinpoint who the victim is, his face is on the posters at the notice boards." She glances at me again.

"Yeah sure, let's go and have a look."

We leave the cafeteria, the brainless girls are still gushing over the keychain. I roll my eyes.

There are notice boards all over the campus, so it only takes a minute to locate one near where you are.

A poster written "missing person" is on top of some exam and activities notices. Of course, what could be more important than a missing person?

"There he is." I look down. My eyes widen slightly in surprise.

Holy shit.

Isn't he the boy I bumped into?

"Kaneki." A boy sighs nearby after saying the name on the poster. We look at him, he has his headphones around his neck. There is no doubt he is one of those happy-go-lucky guys, because the sad expression on his face doesn't suit him.

He knows this Kaneki in person.

I feel sorry for this headphone guy, because for someone who doesn't even know this nerd that much, I worry for him.

I clutch the fabric of my t-shirt.

Guilt.

I saw them, I could have saved the nerd. He is one of those rare humans that I have decided to not eat, but instead planning to develop into a potential friend.

From the bottom of my heart, I know why I don't want to eat him. Because he doesn't intimidate me, instead, I might be the one who does that to him. Yuki says so herself, I am intimidating.

I walk up to the headphone guy, pat his shoulder, he turns his sad eyes to me.

"I am sorry." I truly am.

"It's okay, at least he's alive." He smiles, though I can see the sadness behind it.

I sigh, he thinks I am just feeling pity for his friend.

_No one shall know._

The guilt is eating me out for all those years, and now I need to bear the mistake of not being more curious. Not saving this nerd. Even if I reveal my ghoul nature to him, I could have saved him from this world. One that I hope a person as innocent-looking as him will not learn of.

"Xandra, are you okay? Do you know this guy personally?" Yuki shakes me gently.

"No, I don't. But I wish I could have."

God knows what will happen to him? Will he change into a cowardy person. Facing Rize must scar him for life. I faced her once, I know the feeling. After all, it is Rize that told me about her binge eating, and thankfully she has no interest in eating ghouls.

I feel sad for not knowing more about him, because if I see him again, he will be a whole different person. And I don't know whether to befriend him or see him as food.

"It's getting too gloomy in here, let's get out of here, shall we?" Yuki yank me out of my thoughts and out of the campus.

"Where are we going?"

"A cafe. For a cup of coffee and maybe some cake. Sounds good?"

Human food.

"Yeah, a cup of coffee is nice."

At this, we arrive at Haven Cafe.

The waitor take us to a table next to the window, I rest my head on my hand as I look through the menu. I want to taste the human food like humans, but I know otherwise.

"Latte with skim milk and an American cheesecake please." Yuki quickly orders.

Both the waitor and Yuki look at me expectantly.

"I will order later." The waitor walk off with the order.

"Are you free tonight?" Yuki looks at me seriously, something is up.

"I suppose, why?"

"I want you to go to somewhere with me."

Time to pretend to be human.

"You are not taking me somewhere to eat me, right?" I say jokingly with a playful smirk.

"No, of course not!"

I place my hand on my normal beating heart, "thank goodness!"

She pats her head, smoothing out her locks. "If I were a ghoul, I wouldn't be able to eat these delicious food, would I?"

"How am I suppose to know? Maybe you are such a hungry ghoul that you just eat everything you see." I shrug.

"American cheesecake and latte with skim milk, please enjoy." The waitor places the food professionally on our round wooden table and leave.

"Do you want some?" Yuki asks.

"No thanks I am good. I have got a figure to maintain."

"Hey what do you mean by that?" She looks at herself, I laugh.

"Just eat it, you are thin. Don't worry."

"Then why don't I have to boyfriend yet?" She asks me with her mouthful.

"Because of your table manners, I guess. Or just that the boys are wimps who don't dare to ask you out."

"What about you? Any potential boyfriend?" She takes a sip of her coffee.

"No." The topic boyfriend is too complicated. Should I find someone that is a ghoul just like me? Or a human is fine as well? But what if the human finds out I am a ghoul and run away telling the world, then I will have to kill him, don't I? It would be the most romantic story I have, killing someone that I loved because he doesn't accept me as someone, but accept me as a murderer.

So romantic that I gag internally.

Yuki point her fork at my face. "You don't have to make that face. If you continue with that attitude, you will die alone with god knows how many cats."

"I don't like cats." What's with old woman dying alone with cats surrounding her? Is it some kind of ritual that lonely unmarried old woman living with cats? Is that how lonely people get to heaven? Cats?

"Dogs then, whatever!"

It's so stupid.

Yuki continues on with her cake, after she finishes it, we sit in silence finally with her sipping the latte and my look out the window.

The sky has darkened.

I wonder if his heart has darkened as well.


	4. Intimidation: IV

Intimidation:IV

Yuki and I are out in the crowded streets of Tokyo, couples happily walking down the road with some hot street food in their hands.

The atmosphere is rather pleasant.

"Xandra, let's try this one!" She yanks me to a hawker before I can even utter a word of protest.

He is flipping pancakes, occasionally taking out squidballs and serving them to the people.

"It's cheap. And seeing that there are so many people crowded here, it must tastes real good."

"This is called the Bandwagon effect." I mutter.

"What? I can't hear you." Yuki has her eyes only at the hawker, which turns out to be a young man.

"Nevermind."

The young man looks up, seeing us. But his attention is quickly taken away.

"Isn't he quite handsome?" Yuki whispers into my ears.

"Maybe." There is paper sticking on the plastic board which prevents the hot oil jumping onto people. The paper says, 'young handsome guy flipping delicious pancakes!!' Or something like that. And then I notice that majority of the people who are paying, are actually female. It's like the whole female population is here.

"Oh my goodness. It's really good!" My bestfriend exclaims.

I want to slap my hand over my forehead in exasperation.

He works fast. Yuki has a pancake with extra cream and oreos in her hands.

"Délicieux!" I turn around, heart pumping faster. I am expecting the well-known gourmet to say some weird french.

I breathe a sigh of relieve when I see that they are just ordinary french tourists, enjoying the street food.

It's getting on my nerves. I think the ultimate reason of coming out with Yuki is not just so simple as to eat some street food and do some walking.

"When are we going back?" I want to go home and sleep, or possibly do other things instead of walking among crowds of people like a salmon and looking at things that I can't eat. All in all, it's not very enjoyable though the atmosphere is pleasant.

"Don't be such a party pooper. It's really nice here!" And then she yanks me to another hawker that sells little things and bracelets.

"Let's get one for ourselves!" Yuki says excitedly.

I sigh internally, maybe it is not that bad. Seeing that she is happy, I am satisfied enough.

"Come on, which one do you like?" Yuki picks a few of them and puts it in front of my eyes.

"Woah not that close, I can't see." Her hands are literally only two centimeters away from my eyes.

"Sorry." She giggles and puts them farther.

The first one is simple. It is made of brown leather and some metal beads. The second one is much more colourful, different strings interweave and form a pattern. The third one is made from some plastic bands.

I really like the first one, though not for me. "Here, I think this one suits you." I pick them up from her hands and let the remaining fall back into the pile.

"Really? I like it too, I was afraid you are going to take it." She looks appreciatively at the bracelet. "What about you?"

"I am going to look for it." I mutter as I look at the pile of bracelets. After scanning and occasionally picking them up, I dig harder into the pile, finally catching one that I really like.

There are metal chains, not too large or small like those on necklaces, the size is just right. And linking the metal chains togther is the brown leather that looks the same as Yuki's.

"This is the one." I smile foolishly at the bracelet. I already feel as if the bracelet is linked to me, I don't know if I am superstitious or just stupid to think it represents me in some way.

"It really reminds me of you, even if I were to randomly see it on the streets. Let's get these then." She shoves her bracelet to me and shuffles around her bag for her wallet.

"Two bracelets." She says as she hand out the money.

Alarmed, I grab her hand. "You don't have to pay for me. I should pay for myself."

"Nah ah. I will pay for them." She hands the money and gets the change.

"I will give you back the money."

"Oh shush. This is a friendship bracelet, of course I will pay for it! I suggested it anyway, so don't argue." She holds a finger out, indicating that the argument has ended.

I shake my head in amusement, "okay, fine then." I put on the bracelet. I feel that we are closer as friends, feel that I can tell her anything, and protect her from harm.

Though the metal chains are cold, it will soon be warm.

"Thank you." I say genuinely.

"Yeah, stop being sappy. It doesn't suit you." She waves away and started yanking me to other places again, this time I willingly follow her, finally feeling her enthusiasm for a great night.

"Hey Yuki!" Both of us turn to the source of the voice. He is pushing through the crowd, I have the urge to pull Yuki away and ignore this man.

"Oh, hi Ben." Yuki says calmly, her enthusiasm earlier is completely gone.

"What a coincidence seeing you here. What's up? Are you here alone?" I recognize his face from the university. The boy tries to act cool, but his anime hair is not really that good looking. By the amount of gel he puts on, I can see he really cares about his hair.

"In case you are blind, there is someone next to me." Yuki hisses.

"Oh sorry. Hi, didn't see you there." He chuckles.

So fake.

"How about we walk together?" He completely ignores me afterwards.

"Don't you have your gang with you?" Yuki says with annoyance dripping in her voice.

"Nah. I told them I saw you guys and I want to talk to you." I assume this Ben guy likes Yuki.

"Okay, just tell me what you want to tell me now so we can get going."

I didn't say a thing in the whole conversation, I just want to leave this man in the crowd and forget about him.

"Aw. But it is really important, I don't think this place suits what I am going to tell you." He pouts slightly.

Yuki crosses her arms. "Okay fine then, which place suits it then?"

"I will take the lead then." He happily walk in the front, while Yuki and I exchange a confused glance. We both shrug and laugh at our synced action.

"What do you think he will tell us?" Yuki whisper in my ear and we link arms.

"Yuki, he only wants to talk to you. And by the way he's acting, what do you think he wants to tell you about?"

"I don't see why he has to talk to me privately."

"I think he is going to ask you out. And I don't think the prescence of another person is a good thing."

"Oh."

She finally understands.

"But I don't like him. How am I going to reject him? But he is also the first one to ask me out. What should I do, Xandra?"

And she starts to freak out.

"Woah, calm down. If you don't like him  then just reject him."

"Yeah but he-" I interrupt her.

"Wouldn't you rather give your first times to someone you love? Instead of forcing yourself with someone you don't like?"

"You are right, Xandra. Wow, you sound so experienced." Yuki says in disbelief and amusement at our current situation. Who would have thought a person who never even consider dating giving dating advices?

"It's just common sense."

"Are you saying I have no common sense?" By her grin, I know she is just joking.

"I didn't say you lack common sense. It's just that my sense is better than yours. That's all." I shrug and we both laugh again.

"Hey, what are you laughing about? Tell me, I feel so left out."

"We didn't even let you in." "You are meant to be left out." Yuki and I say at the same time, we look at each other evilly and laugh.

"Huh what are you saying?"

"Nothing. Just some girl's stuff."

We walk out of the crowded streets, in here it is dark and lonely.

"Are we there yet?" Yuki whines. I have a bad feeling about this. The metals chains on my wrist are clinking, as if telling me there is danger ahead.

"Not yet, I am taking you guys to a cafe. There we can have a cup of coffee and a quiet place to talk." He continues ahead.

"Yuki, I don't feel good about this." I whisper while keeping an eye on Ben.

"Me too." She is clutching tighter on my arm.

"Shall we leav-"

"Ah, we are here."


	5. Intimidation: V

Intimidation: V

I have a really bad feeling about this.

"But we are in the middle of nowhere." We are in the residential area which is already darkened. Time really flies by when you are not aware of it.

"But can't you see the cafe over there?" Ben points at some random direction and Yuki looks towards there.

What happens next is so surprising I almost stand paralyzed.

I swing Yuki out of the kagune's way, it scraps my arm and retracts.

"What's happening-" She starts to panick at the sight of my blood. My body shields her vision from the ghoul behind us.

"Aw, I missed it. What are you anyway?" I hear steps.

"Are you a human too? A dove? No one has ever dodged my attack before, not to say save someone from an attack." He says tauntingly.

"Yuki, I am sorry I didn't-" Before I can finish my sentence, he strikes.

"Die!-" I summon my ukaku, feeling the rip in my clothes as it protude out. It is as if my limbs have extended. One of the wing shielding any part Yuki has exposed to his attack while the other let out shards. I hear the hardening of his kagune, and my shards fall onto the floor. He stands unharmed.

"Xan-Xandra." Her eyes are impossibly wide, and I am painfully reminded of the thoughts I have when I put on my bracelet.

_I feel that we are closer as friends, feel that I can tell her anything, and protect her from harm._

"Y-your eye." Her voice is hushed.

"I am sorry I didn't tell you." I want to cry, but I harden my heart. "Run back to the crowd, please."

"But you are going to get hurt!"

"It will regenerate."

"Shut up both of you." We snap our heads to Ben, he is sprinting towards us at high speed. Seeing that Yuki doesn't want to leave, I pick her up in bridal style and jumps onto the roof with some help from my ukaku.

"Seems like we have found something that shouldn't exist in this world." A new voice says.

I look at the scene, there are two doves with their quinques out. One is a tall guy with extraordinary built, another with white hair.

"Shit." Ben says and tries to run away. Too late, his face is already seen by the doves. Not that he can escape them fast enough. The taller guy pierces through his back. Some blood fly out of Ben's mouth, and his binkaku dissipates. He is dead.

"Xandra." I look back down, we are crouching over the roof with my body shielding her from everything.

Yuki's voice is shaking, she has tears of terror all over her face. "Are you going to eat me?"

I smile sadly at her state. I am sorry that she is brought into this world. Suddenly I hate myself so much, I hate that I am a ghoul. I hate that my friend has to experience this terror of being eaten. But at the same time, I am glad, because I have the ability to protect, to fight.

"I am not." I hold my wrist over her head, the metal clinks slightly. "We are friends, since when do you hear friends eating the other?"

She hiccups and buries her head in my shoulder. "You must be suffering a lot, right?"

"No, not really. Let's go home." When I look over the top of the roof to check for the doves, they are gone.

I look around, trying to detect any movement in case they saw us too and wanted to ambush us.

I straighten myself and pick her up. Leaping from roof to roof as quickly and quietly as I can with the weight of two bodies.

"You have wings." She looks sleepily at them

"Yes."

"They are beautiful, just like their owner."

I remain in silence and she continues.

"When I first saw you, I think there is something in you that is trying to get out desparately." Her voice grows softer and her eyes begin to droop. "Maybe this is what that is trying so desparately to get out."

What is trying to get out? My ghoul nature? My wings?

She is already soundingly asleep in my arms when we arrive at the door of her apartment. She lives wth her family, which is a good thing. I place her onto the floor and let her lean on the wall next to the door. After making sure that she won't slide down, I press the door bell.

I leap off the building when I hear some footsteps coming towards the door.

I hope she will remember this as a dream, a bad one. I hope she thinks she is just imagining that.

As I glide through the Tokyo sky, I hear some bloody screaming. It is familiar, I have heard it somewhere before-

Wait. I land somewhere near the source of the voice and hide.

"I am not a ghoul! I am a human! I am a-"

"Shut up and just eat it already!"

"I can't eat that! I am a human. My life has been so terrible. Everything is so terr-"

"Everything is ‘terrible?’ Don’t make me laugh. So what about me…for me, it’s been terrible since I was born.”

I peak and almost not recognize his face, partly because I have put him at the bottom of my memory bank. I thought we will never cross paths again.

The girl lifts Kaneki up and throws him to the wall, he slides down limply as she smash a human arm into his mouth. For a second, he devours it hungrily. Some lunatic glint clouds his eyes, and he lost his conscious. Then he wakes up again, and spits out what he has eaten. Vomiting.

He has only one kakugan.

A man with a formal waiter suit and well kept white hair stands not far away.

"This is quite enough."

The girl, Touka has her leg lifted ready for another kick.

"Yoshimura, but-"

"I said this is quite enough. We help our fellow ghouls that are in need." For a second, the old man seems to be looking at my direction and says those words. Did he see me when he come here?

"This boy is someone who can't hunt for himself. And we will help him." He turns to the fallen boy. "Let us take you back to Anteiku and have a talk, shall we?"

Then he raises his voice, "anyone who is in need of assistance is welcomed."

With this confirmation, fear take over me. I run for a few steps and leap into the air the oppostie direction from them.

While flying back, I ponder on the events so far.

Yuki now knows I am a ghoul.

I tighten my jaw, I have thought of telling her. But I am scared, I am afraid that she will leave me because of what I am. And then she will have to live in fear, thinking that I get close to her because I want to eat her. She will become suspicious of everything, knowing her personality. Perhaps, this is the best way to break it to her? To prove by action that I am not going to eat her, but protect her like a friend should.

Yes, this is the best way, though dangerous. What if my imcompetence lead to both our deaths?

I shake my head, at least she didn't get hurt. The gash on my arm has already healed.

Then, a black head enters my head.

Kaneki Ken.

I am glad that Kaneki is alive, but maybe this is the start of terror for him. Seeing that he still values his human morals so much, he sure will become one of those human loving ghouls. Will he be able to protect himself from the CCG? What will he become of?

The old man, Yoshimura, seems like a kind man. And Touka, there is nothing much to comment on. Except she is quite strong, though not the strongest. I have seen stronger, and one of them is Rize.

And finally, me.

Why did I run away? I ask myself.

Because I am scared, no other ghouls that are in the centre of the ghoul society, no matter big or small, should know about me. When someone knows you, they forces you to join them. When you join them, you must abide their rules and do their bidding. No matter dirty or justified, you are still expected to be loyal to them after you discovered their true ambition. And when you have enough courage to finally defy them, to escape, you always have to live in fear for them to finally reach you one day and kill you in your sleep. Or worse, capture and torture you.

Experiences tell me so.

I don't need to join a ghoul organization to know that, it happens even in the human's world.

Peace. What is it? Humans and ghouls not fighting each other? No more blood spilling?

I laugh humorlessly, it can only be achieved if all organisms in the world died.

Looking up, I see that I am almost at the sea. I land on a roof lightly. I don't know where I am, but at least the view is nice.

It's quiet. It seems as if I am looking a missing piece of earth, there is only blackness for the sea. The stars in the sky glow softer than any light on earth, but that is what makes them so beautiful. The universe is so vast that I am scared, what if I get lost? What if I can never return to where I belonged?

But where do I belong?


	6. Intimidation: VI

Intimidation: VI

I wake up on the roof of some building in some unknown area.

I sit up. Where am I?

Then the night's events come back to me. I lay on the roof again, arms wide.

So much has happened.

_"Anteiku."_

The old man was wearing formal waiter clothing, didn't he? Does that mean that Anteiku is a high class western restaurant? Is the girl his daughter? They look nothing alike though.

Maybe I should visit the place. But where is it actually?

It's day time, that means I can't fly back to my home. I want to just lay here and do nothing. But then I will become a dried fish if I lay here like this...

I leap down the roof into someone's garden. Maybe I should visit Yuki to see if she's okay.

"Hey why are you here?!" Some old man shouts at me.

"Sorry! I will go!" I jump and hold onto the wall.

"I am going to call the police! Stay where you are! You pervert!" I glimpse back, the old man in all his naked glory. I have to rinse my eye with sea water.

Pulling myself up, I land on the other side safely. It is a slope where going downhill will lead to the ocean, and uphill should be the bus station or where transportation is.

I hike the steep road, what time is it? The heat is killing me, I can almost fry an egg on my head. Yeah, it must be noon.

I pat my pocket for my phone, I can only feel my spare change. I must have lost it last night. Sighing, I cheer myself up. At least I have money for some drink.

Seeing a convenient store, I walk in, welcoming the feeling of cold air dancing on my skin.

I grab a bottle of water and go to the counter. After paying, I quickly open the cap to chuck down some water. Feeling satisfied, I continue my journey. There must be a bus station nearby.

Seeing an old woman passing by, I approach her. "Excuse me, where is the bus station?"

"Oh poor girl, what happened to you? The bus station is right over there, dearie." She points to the direction she came from.

I thank and bless her as she walks slowly to her home.

I wonder if the people from the countryside are kinder. I follow her direction, but I can't find the bus station. What is here is only a sea of tall grass swaying by the wind.

Where the heck is the bus station? I am losing hope, I want to just fly back but it's too obvious. I should wait until night, since I don't need to eat that much. I only eat twice a month anyway.

"Who are you?" A small voice quip.

I groan. Not again. Did I intrude someone's territory? Someone tugs my fingers, I look down.

"Who are you?" He asks again. It's a small boy. His clothes are dirty, it seems like someone threw some ragged clothing onto him.

"Who are you?" I echo.

"You have to answer my question first, then I can tell you my name." The little boy has dark hair that almost look blue, and his eyes are big and curious. My features soften, he is just a little boy.

"Don't you have your parents with you? Going to strangers and asking for their names is dangerous."

"What are parents?" He cocks his head to the side.

I am taken aback. He doesn't have parents, he is an orphan, isn't he?

"Do you have anyone taking care of you?" As much as I want to take care of him, I can't just take him away.

"No, they are afraid of me. Because I never eat what they cook and they find me weird. Sometimes I see some people lying around here, and then I feel so hungry. And it's like I am dreaming, when I wake up, there is red water on my hands." He pauses for a while, "am I weird?"

He is a ghoul. "Yes, you are weird." I pat his head when he visibly become upset by my reply. "But being weird means you are special, you are unique instead of being like one of the duplicates of the society."

"What is 'dubicate of the socity'?"

"I will tell you later. Let's me introduce myself, I am Xandra. And you?" I smile as gently as I can, and hold my left hand out. He seems hesitant, but he puts both his hands on mine.

"Don't worry, I am like you." He looks at my hand then my face, a smile slowly forming with dimples showing. I shake our hands. His smile is genuine, the kind of smile that I haven't seen for a long time. When is the last time someone as innocent as this little boy smile so genuinely at me?

"I don't have a name. Those people call me 'creepy bashtard', or 'fify ghoul'." I sadden at their nicknames for him, creepy bastard and filthy ghoul, huh. Can they be more creative?

"Then do you want a name?"

"What does it mean to have a name?" He says. The answer of this seemingly simple question is one I don't have.

I thought for a while. "A name is something that has deeper meanings, a word or words that are remembered by someone who cares a lot of about you."

"That's cool. Can I have a name then?" I chuckle, he's cute.

"Yeah you can. You can have thousands of names but there is only one true name for yourself. Do you want to choose your own name?" I sit on the ground, putting all my attention on him. He deserves better, children deserves more than the present world can give.

"I can choose my own name?" His eyes glitter in excitement.

"Yes. As long as you like it. But remember, a true name cannot be changed through your whole life, you have to bear it until you are buried in the soil." I sigh, I want to have a true name too. But I guess I still need some time to find it.

"I can't decide." He twirls his fingers. Seems like he needs some time too.

"Tell me later okay?" He nods happily, thinking that he might not have enough to eat, I ask, "Are you hungry?"

He shakes his head, his black hair is everywhere. "No, I am not hungry." I brush his fringe away.

I stand, patting the soil off my jeans, I bow to him. "So I will take care of you from now on! Please also take care of me!"

Instead of bowing, he hugs me. His height is below my waist, so he is hugging my leg. I remove his arms and hold him so his arms are over my shoulder instead.

"Let's go, okay?"

He nods.

"Do you know any bus station around here?"

He shakes his head. I sigh, I just got trolled by the old woman, how nice. Maybe countryside people aren't that nice at all, with all those insults to a small child and directions to a non-existent bus station.

We are walking downhill from the grassland.

"Hey. What kagune do you have?"

"Kagune?" He echoes in his small voice.

"Kagune is what defines us from just normal humans. They are unique to every person. Kagune are those things that comes out of your back when you are in danger or you need to hunt."

"Huh?"

"I will show you mine later." We arrive at the sea shore. There is not a lot of people here, only some random children and their parents playing the sand and water.

I put him down, my arms are tired.

Both of us look at the humans. And suddenly, I find so many similarities between us.

Both of us were lost, but some day if the time is right, we can be found again.


	7. Intimidation: VI

Intimidation: VI

Night comes and the little boy has decided what his name is.

"Hoshi." I shake him gently, he has fallen asleep on the sand where we played for the whole afternoon. His childish laughter is still ringing in my head.

He continues sleeping. Shaking my head and smiling, I lift him up. Sprinting, my ukaku comes out and I leap into the air.

The brightest part of Japan should be Tokyo. It might take an hour or two to get there, but if I have enough energy yesterday, I can do it today too.

He stirs in my arms and blinks. "Where are we?"

"In the air."

His eyes widen as the wind blows his hair with force.

"Wow." He exclaims.

"That's my kagune, it's an ukaku." I explain the purplish liquid muscles on my back.

"It's really pretty." Frequent compliments are making me too proud.

"Thanks. What is your's like?" Could it be a ukaku just like mine? Or a tail? Or perhaps a rinkaku?

"It's this sharp thing that looks like a stick."

"Huh?" I laugh at his description. But seeing that his kakugan is showing, I panic.

"Hey Hoshi, don't show me now okay? There is the right time to do the right thing, but now is not the time." We are almost there anyway.

"Okay." He seems a bit disappointed.

"Show me when we get back home, yeah?" Now I need to focus on getting us back home, I can feel the strain in my muscles already.

"Okay." Then he turns away and look at the view below.

I didn't upset him, did I?

When I recognise the darkened residential area, I glide down and land on one of the many roofs. I put him down, let my ukaku retract back and stretch.

"It's been a long flight." I say in between stretches. When I hear no reply, I look around. The little buddy has disappeared.

Where is he? My heart hammers in fear that he might run off somewhere, get caught by some CCG or worse, other ghouls. I walk around the roof, he should be somewhere near.

Relief come crashing down on my head like a bucket of ice cold water. Sitting on the edge of the roof, his legs are swinging. I stand there for a moment to observe, it seems as if he is bearing the loneliness for the whole world. What has really happened to him before I met him?

Without saying anything, I sit beside him.

"Xandra." He starts. I hum in response.

"Why are we here?"

"Because we can't directly go to the light without revealing ourselves as ghouls."

"Do we live in a black place?"

"No, we can live in the light just like humans. But during these times, we have to act like one of them."

After a while, Hoshi starts again.

"To make a person stop breathing... Is it okay?" He brushes away some sand from the roof absentmindedly.

I think for a while, can the reason for killing justify the act?

"If you were a hungry sparrow, and there is a worm in front of you, would you eat it?"

"I would, or else I will die."

"But that would mean killing the worm."

For a long time, we sit there. He is still kicking his legs, while my knuckles are white from gripping the edge of the roof.

_"We help ghouls that are in need of assistance."_

"Perhaps, there could be an alternative method?" I wonder aloud. If Hoshi hears it, he doesn't say anything in reply. Or he simply doesn't understand what I am saying.

"It's getting late, and I am tired." I stand up and Hoshi follows. We leap down the roof and onto the quiet street.

The two of us walks to the main road where the majority of the shops are still open for tourists. Turning a corner, we enter a familiar alley. The building where my apartment is come into sight. We enter the lobby and I remember the night I got back after Kaneki's incident.

I hope the lift is 'working' this time, because I have no more strength go lift the both of us to our floor.

Hoshi grips tighter on my hand.

The lift arrives with no disturbance, but we didn't relax. Not until I turn the keys and we enter the apartment, both of us visibly loosen up.

Hoshi stands at the entrance, not quite knowing what to do. I usher him in and give him a pair for extra slippers which I have kept in case I have a visitor. And now, this pair of slippers will hopefully become Hoshi's, since I don't know if I can really take care of him or not. But I know even if I have to die protecting him, I would do it.

"Make yourself at hom-" I shake my head and correct myself, "this is your new home." I hope it didn't disappoint him.

Tears start to fall from his eyes, and somehow I know it isn't from sadness. I pull him around the apartment, introducing different things to him. And he asks a lot of questions, like 'what is the water for?' in the toilet.

He is particularly interested in the camera which Yuki gave it to me as a birthday present last year.

_"Huh, there aren't any pictures in here." Yuki becomes puzzle at the sight of the lack of personal belongings in my apartment._

_"I don't need pictures-"_

_"Okay, how long do I need to save my money for a camera?" She walks around the apartment, looking up and thinking._

_"You don't need to do that."_

_"Your birthday is coming anyway, and I am the one who decide what gift I will give you. You'll be glad someday that you have a camera."_

I feel thankful for Yuku's thoughtfulness, though not what she originally intended, the camera comes into use.

"Xandra, look here." I turn to the voice and a snap is heard.

"Huh?" Then I realise. "Delete it! I look so dumb!" I try to catch the little devil but damn he has some good reflexes.

We are laughing the whole time. When I finally catch Hoshi, we are both breathing hard as we sprawl on the wooden floor.

"Okay little devil, go take a shower." I gesture lazily towards the general direction of the toilet.

He laughs at the nickname. "Promise me you won't delete the photo."

"Yeah I promise I will you keep my dumb face in the camera. Now go! You stink." I toss some bed clothes to him that I have grown out of years ago but forgot to throw them away. "You know how to take a shower right?"

Silence.

I groan. He doesn't.

I pull him into the bathroom.

"So this is the shampoo, this is the conditioner, and this is the shower gel. These two, you put in your head and do this." I ruffle my own hair. "And then you rinse your hair with water. Then this shower gel, you turn it into bubbles and clean your body, and rinse yourself with water as well."

"What are about this?" He points at the face washing products.

"I don't think you need to use that yet." And it's quite expensive, though I didn't say it out loud.

"Okay?"

"Okay." He nods with determination.

"Then I will be out there, okay? Shout if you need anything." I close the door behind me and turns on the TV so the apartment is not completely silent. Narrowing my eyes at the unwashed dishes, I make up my mind to wash them while the bathroom is occupied.

After Hoshi comes out safe and clean, U take my turn and finishes my shower quickly. I put a towel on my neck so my hair won't wet my t-shirt.

It feels like a sleepover. Hoshi is playing with the camera when I come out. I go to sit beside him, huggings my knees.

"If you like the camera so much, I can give it to you." At this suggestion, his head snaps up.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really really really?" He is leaning closer with his big orbs and a grin. Leaning back, I chuckle.

"Yes."

"YES!" He jumps around with the camera, when he almost fling the camera into some unknown direction, he immediately recoil and hug the camera to his chest instead. He runs around the couch.

I have never seen someone as crazily happy as him before.

He calms down a few minutes later and drop onto the floor, cushioning the camera with his body.

That night, both of us fell asleep on the floor.


	8. Intimidation: VIII

Intimidation: VIII

A week has passed, it felt as if Hoshi has been living here all along. I am glad that he is happier than he was, he reminded me that everyday before we say goodnight.

_"I am really happy today. I took lots of pictures."_

_"The box over there is so amazing, there are dancing people and so many different moving things in it!"_

When he will stop feeling astonished about the electrical appliances, I don't know. But what will happen afterwards? Will he find my apartment boring? During the day, I have to go to the university for my classes. I only come back quite late at night. And I still haven't found out where Anteiku is.

"Hey, Kaneki!" Someone shouts from a distance. I turn to see Hide running towards Kaneki at top speed, I hope they don't crash.

"Hide." The black head sounds surprised.

"I need to get some DVDs from my senpai, come with me?" Hide is already pulling Kaneki along with him.

I look at my schedule, my lessons for today have already ended. Maybe if I follow them, I can find some clues to where Anteiku is?

This is such a stupid plan.

I have to hide behind corridors, follow them from a distance and act natural. All of which makes me look like an idiot trying to pretend to be some agent.

I am making a fool of myself.

The three of them, Kaneki, Hide and the senpai called Nishio are walking down the street. Suddenly they stop, I stumble back in fear that they might have noticed that someone is following them. I step on someone's feet accidentally, but the person ignores my apologies and continues her way.

Standing away from the main flow of people, I observe them over the crowd. Kaneki looks surprised that the senpai can eat human food.

Why does he look like that? Maybe Kaneki thinks the senpai is a ghoul? But ghouls can't eat human food, it tastes rotten and utterly disgusting.

They turn to an alley. Suddenly, the senpai throws Hide into the far end of the alley and knocks him out. I am tempted to reveal myself and help Kaneki, but something is holding me back.

Is he worth helping? I don't even know him that much. I know I have decided I wouldn't eat him, but that doesn't mean I would protect him.

Nishio taunts Kaneki by stepping and puking on Hide's head. I wince. Disgusting.

I leap up to the top of the building, where I can see the battle clearer. On the opposite side, the girl Touka is also standing. We acknowledge each other as she raises her eyebrow upon seeing another person.

Whatever that is in Kaneki snapped, and he becomes another person. More brutal, but more powerful. He stabs Nishio with his three tenacles and the binkaku ghoul is defeated. The binkaku ghoul escapes, and what's left are the four of us.

"Meat. I want to eat..." Kaneki chants as he staggers towards his fallen friend. The girl leaps down and approaches him.

"This is your friend. Are you going to eat your friend just to satisfy your hunger? You are going to regret it after you eat him."

It is as if Kaneki is having a seizure, as if there are two personalities fighting for dominance.

"This is not food." He kneels on the ground in front of his fallen friend.

"This is food." Then, his hands reaches out, trying to grip his friend's arm.

"I SAID THIS IS NOT FOOD!" Then, he faints. I guess he tired himself out with all these internal struggles. It is terrifying to see how conflicted he is, how Rize has changed him. For the better or worse, no one knows.

"Who are you?" Turning around, the girl asks sharply with hostility.

I hesitate, should I tell her my name? Or should I just state my relationship with the two boys? Though I have talked to each of them only once.

"Someone who knows them." I decide for a relatively safe answer. Or at least I think it's safe.

"That doesn't say anything." She situates herself so Kaneki and Hide are behind her.

"I mean no harm. I go to the same university as them. I only follow them because I know that binkaku guy has planned something against them, and I have to make sure they are alright." I sigh internally, what a lie.

The girl relaxes and her eyes become normal again.

"My name is Xandra." I hold my hand out.

"Touka." She reluctantly shakes my hand, I can see the purse of her lips.

I lift Kaneki up as Touka takes Hide. The first thought that comes to my mind is how light Kaneki weight.

"Where are we going?" I ask as we carry them on our backs, earning a lot of curious stared as to why there are two girls each carrying an unconscious boy. Touka glares at them and the people continue with their business.

"Anteiku."

I smile a bit. At least my plan has succeeded.

We didn't say anything for the whole journey, and I am glad. I have nothing to say to her, just as how she is to me. The slight air movement on my neck reassures me that Kaneki is alive, and just sleeping. And once again, I am glad.

I bounce a little because he is sliding off my back.

We arrive a little later and walk up the stairs. The old man looks the same as that night, in formal waitor uniform and standing straight. He radiates knowledge and kindness, but also an underlying sadness.

He walks out of the counter and helps us as Touka tells him what happened.

I realise that this old man, the manager of the coffee shop, has his eyes closed even when he is walking around. I conclude that he must have superior hearing, just as how the bats detect the environment.

"Miss. Xandra, that's your name. Am I correct?" He stands in front me, and I feel overwhelmed. Other than kindness, I can also feel the power when he is near.

I am sitting in a room which they led me upstairs, the other part of the coffee shop which acts as a residential area.

"Yes, and please call me Xandra." He nods with a slight smile as he sits on the sofa.

"Touka has told me that you were there observing the fight between Kaneki and Nishio. And you also helped carrying Kaneki back, for this, I thank you."

"It's no problem at all." After all, it's a coincidence that I did find out where Anteiku is, not knowing if my plan will succeed or not. God, I feel like I used Kaneki and Hide.

"Ah. I am sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I am Yoshimura, the manager of this coffee store. And I would like to propose something to you."

I nod for him to continue.

"We help ghouls that are in need of assistance, and to do that, we provide food for ghouls who can't hunt for themselves.

All the employees here are ghouls. It is inevitable for some ghouls to think that they are superior and kill humans for food or entertainment. However, ghouls can live harmoniously with humans as well. I think you know this well as you are studying in a university.

I am going to offer you a job here in Anteiku, will you accept it?"

That's unexpected.

I planned to go to this shop for a few times to gather more information of the ghouls who work here before thinking what to do next.

With bated breath, I start. "Actually, I am tempted to accept this job, but I have a kid at home, and leaving him alone for such a long time is not really a good thing to do..." I can't just leave Hoshi alone in the house. I am not worried that he will break something, but for the loneliness that seems to follow his shadows sometimes. I am afraid the loneliness might eat him alive, figuratively speaking.

"You don't have to worry about that, you allowed to take him here. There is a mother and her child coming next week as well, so he wouldn't be bored."

"One more question, where do the food come from?" They wouldn't just capture a human and butcher him, would they?

"There are always humans who are at the end of the hope."

"I see."

This is a relatively guilt-free ghoul life. To not intentionally kill humans for food, but wait for them to end their life themselves.

"Yes, I accept your offer."


	9. Intimidation: IX (unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:   
> I think is going a bit too slow, sorry for that. I will try to improve it but not in the coming weeks because there are exams.
> 
> And thanks for reading. Please give comments if there is anything to be improved.

Intimidation: IX

"Welcome to Anteiku." I bow to the customers and lead them to a vacant table. After placing the menus on the table, I go behind the counter for a table cloth. 

"Excuse me." 

I look up, ready to put down the table cloth and take the order, but Kaneki beats me to it. I wipe and clear the tables where the customers have just left.

The coffee shop has a pleasant atmosphere, the walls are painted with fading yellow. The brown wooden floor and tables are well-polished. Wood is heavily used in this coffee shop as the counter and the coffee beans rack are also made of wood. Jars line up neatly along the rack, different coffee beans are separated accordingly. Hoshi is really happy and took a lot pictures of the cafe when I first brought him here, and now he stays at a guest room, doing his own things. Ocasionally, he comes out to explore.

Apart from the homey feeling, constant scoldings from a purple headed girl can be heard.

"Idiot! You should be doing this instead of doing it like that. You will ruin the coffee."

"Sorry." And then the feverish apologies from Kaneki.

"Xandra! Go restock some coffee beans." 

"Okay." I throw the table cloth into the sink for rinsing later and walk up the stairs to the room filled with ingredients and ghoul food.

It is funny how Touka, a high schooler, is a ordering two university students around. I didn't mean that she is ordering us around while she is slacking. In fact, she is very hardworking. She cares a lot about the order in Anteiku, and being the person who stayed the longest here, she makes sure we don't do anything wrong within her vincinity. Underneath the hot-headedness, is the desire to fulfill one's responsibility. 

That's admirable. But it doesn't make her less annoying.

Or that could be because we don't know each other that well yet. I have a feeling that Touka still doesn't trust me for whatever reason.

"Xandra?" I snap out of my reverie and face the person that is peeking behind the door.

"Yeah, I am taking the coffee beans, just a sec." I take the sack of required coffee beans down, putting some into the empty jars that I have brought with me here.

"I'll help." Kaneki walks in.

"It's okay, I can handle it. If you are up here, isn't Touka all alone downstairs?" I see a bad coffee bean and throw at the bin at the corner of the room. Bingo.

"She told me to take a rest." I face the black head momentarily, his eyepatch is making him look funny. But I know it's necessary for him to wear it.

"She is a tough girl." I refer to the fact that she hasn't taken a rest today. 

"Yeah, she is." I can hear admiration from his voice. 

Seems like they have gotten pretty close from all the scolding, I snicker slightly. Though some part of me feel left out.

I sigh, it's not the time for jealousy.

An awkward silence comes where neither of us knows what to say. We fill the jar quietly. The memory of our first meeting replays in my mind, especially what he said to me after I told him about my eye.

"Then you must be seeing more than I do, right?"

I hope so. 

"It's all done." He announces. He scratches his face, a habit for nervousness which I have noticed. 

"Thanks a lot." I put the jars down.

"I-it's no problem at all." He laughs nervously, "I want to ask you something-" 

"Why are you taking so long?" Touka barges in, leaving whatever Kaneki has to say into the drainage.

"Sorry! I will take the coffee beans down now." I scurry past Touka as she glares at Kaneki, who might be sweating in fear now.

"Kaneki!" 

A voice that can be recognized every where almost causes me to drop all the jars.

"He's upstairs-" 

"Hide." Kaneki looks at his bestfriend in bewilderment. Touka follows behind Kaneki shortly, standing a step on the staircase.

"You look great in the uniform! It's great that you get a job here." Hide wriggles his eyebrows, suggesting whatever that is.

"Haha... yeah. But I thought you are still hurt..." Kaneki scratches the back of his head.

Hide pats Kaneki's shoulder, grinning like he just won the lottery. "Oh, it's no big deal. I am all healed up. However Nishio senpai seems to sustain a heavier injury in the car accident."

"Car acciden- oh, right. I hope he is getting better." Kaneki catches himself before the lie unveil itself. However, even I didn't know Hide doesn't know.

Hide sits at a vacant table, he waves at Touka, who smiles lightly. "And Touka, thanks for nursing us back to health."

I place the menu on his table a little bit too heavily. The three of them look at me. Hide seems to only realize I am here now, Kaneki looks worried while Touka has no expression.

"Hi Xandra. Uh, I have already decided what I want."

"What are you going to order?" Kaneki comes and stands next to me.

"A cappuccino. To rejoice for your work here."

Upon hearing the order, Touka quickly set to work. I go back to the counter to place the jars onto the rack and grind some coffee beans into powder.

In no time, a cappuccino with a cute pattern on it is made. Kaneki serves it to Hide. After a sip, Hide sighs in contentment.

The three of us busy ourselves with orders from the ghouls and humans alike. Hide leaves after he finishes the cup of coffee, saying that he has something to do and waves goodbye happily.

Kaneki is clearing the table when Touka approaches him. She whispers in his ears, soft enough to prevent humans from hearing but loud enough for me to hear.

"You can't let Hide know you are a ghoul."

"But he is my bestfriend-"

"I would kill him immediately if he is to find out." Touka's tone gets me shivering internally. "I know it's harsh, but he can't know. Because you are not only endangering yourself, but everyone in this cafe. I admit that I don't trust him that much, and I am true to my words."

"Touka, that's enough." The manager comes out. Touka closes her mouth but still give a warning glance at Kaneki and me.

"Kaneki and Xandra, come upstairs with me, I need to talk to you two for a bit."

Our questioning gazes eyes meet each other, I shrug and we proceed to the room Yoshomura is standing in. There is a table in the middle of the stock room, a plate of sandwiches waiting there. The sandwich is nicely prepared, but underneath the surface is the monstrosity of nasueas rotten food.

I gulp. No way.

"To us ghouls, humans are like a walking textbook. We learn a lot from them, but unfortunately, they repel the idea of ghouls since they are food to us. And we have to blend into the human society in order to survive." Yoshimura starts, I start to frown.

"And the first step to blend into the society, is to learn how to pretend. Eating human food will deteriorate your health, but pretending to eat it wouldn't. Let me demonstrate." The elder man takes a sandwich gracefully and puts it in his mouth, chewing.

Both Kaneki and I almost have our eyes dropped for opening them so wide. We wait for the manager to spit out the food, but he swallows.

"Ho-how did you do that?" Undisguised astonishment is dripping from my voice.

He smiles knowingly and gestures us to do as he did. Kaneki hands a sandwich to me and takes his hesitantly, we look at each other.

"On three. One. Two. Three." We nod and take a bite.

It's so disgusting. It's feels like my tongue is being attacked by little spincers and the taste of long rotten food invade my senses. My vision starts to blur.

Swallow it whole! 

With difficulty, I finally get it to enter my oesophagus. I sigh in relief that it is over.

On the other hand, Kaneki is puking into the rubbish bin at the corner.

"Good job, Xandra." Yoshimura nods in approval.

Kaneki returns with haunted eyes and he looks dejectedly at the remaining sandwich.

"The key is to not chew the food, but swallow it whole. With practise, you two can do it smoothly and your human companion will believe that you are enjoying the food. However, remember to regurgitate it or else it will affect your health. Well done, the both of you."

Touka barges in. "Miss Fuguechi and Hinami have arrived."

Hoshi suddenly appears next to Touka, "who are they?" 

Touka orders Kaneki to take some towels and she takes some supplies as well. 

I ruffle Hoshi's hair as the five of us goes down. "Remember that I have told you that there is a mother and a girl that you are meeting?"

"They are here?"

"Yes."

"Woohoo!" Hoshi races out. The mother and daughter are wet from the rain. My instituition tells me she is a gentle woman, and possibly inable to hunt for herself. Her daughter, Hinami is hiding behind her. The girl looks older than Hoshi, I hope they will get along well.

"U-uh hi, welcome to Anteiku." Kaneki smiles awkwardly at them as he hands them the towels. Hinami clutches her mother's dress tighter and try to hide.

"Thank you." Her mother smiles thankfully at Kaneki and Touka, when she catches the sight of me and Hoshi. She smiles.

"Miss Fuguechi, I will lead you to the room upstairs." Touka leads them, and the forever curious kid, Hoshi tails them as well and disappears.


	10. Intimidation: X (unedited)

Intimidation: X

By Yoshimura's orders, Touka got the both of us, me and Kaneki, a mask each made by Uta.

When Uta saw me walking into his studio, he cocked his head to the side. I shook my head, it's better they don't know.

"Hey! Xandra!" Yuki catches up with me and bend on her knees, panting hard from running. 

"I haven't seen you in ages." She manages to speak in between pants.

I stand there, feeling strangely calm but guilty at the same time. I avoided her, I admit that. I didn't visit her after the night we were attacked as I planned, it was out of my mind from all the work in Anteiku and Hoshi. And in university, I work harder than I used to, for no reason at all.

"I miss you, you know. Hey, say something." Yuki shakes me, I avert my gaze to the ground. Seeing that I am stubborn, she pulls me away from the campus and into the streets of Tokyo. 

"We are going to skip lessons."

I look at her, expressionless. She doesnt seem to notice as we walk through the busy streets, going a familiar way. To Anteiku.

"I remember, you know." She mumbles.

My head pounds, this is going to be troublesome. We enter the shop, the little bell chimes. Some other employees of the shop greets us and leads us to a table.

"I want a latte."

"Just water." I don't like black coffee, though it is the only thing ghouls can share with humans.

As the waiter leave, Yuki fumbles with her fingers.

"I don't really like how we are acting like strangers now that I know." Her eyes start to water.

"How does the fact that I know changes anything? Even if it does change things, shouldn't it be better rather than worse. I understand why you don't want to tell me, but I really consider you as my bestfriend." She rambles on, seeing her tear filled face makes my guts clench. I am such a coward.

"Knowing that makes me want to become closer to you, I want you to trust me more. Because I trust you a lot, didn't I entrust my life to you?" She wipes away her tears with her sleeves, sobbing quietly as the customers nearby watches us with pity. 

After sighing, I ignore the nosy customers. "Yes, you did. And I cannot ask you to do the same again."

"Wh-what do you me-mean?" 

The Evil Ape, as he calls himself, comes to our table and serves the beverages we ordered.

"What I mean is, you can't just put your life in my hands. Because there are... people that are even more powerful than me, and yes, of course, I will protect you with all I've got. But-" I sigh. "Nevermind. It doesn't change anything, the fact you know, I mean. We are still best friends." I smile as best I could, though it might look like a whimper instead.

As Yuki continue to sip her latte, my cup of water remain untouched. Where's Kaneki? I think he has a shift today.

I shake him off my mind, he must have something to do. We leave the cafe after Yuki finishes her latte, in which I paid for as an apology.

As we walk down the stairs to the streets, I see Mrs. Fueguchi leaving in a hurry. She gets into a taxi. 

Where is she going? Isn't she suppose to stay in Anteiku? There are doves here, as Yoshimura has warned us. And the doves are here for them... Hinami and Mrs. Fueguchi.

Should I go after her? Or should I pretend that I didn't see any of it at all? But what if the doves track down Mrs. Fueguchi and use this chance to kill her? She can't fight and she will surely die.

"Yuki, I am sorry. Can I ask you to go back home or somewhere safe first? I need to track down someone." The cab has stopped due to the traffic light. I take both of Yuki's hands, hoping she will understand.

"I will go with you." My head snaps back to her.

"What? No-"

The lights are starting to turn.

"You can't say no-" 

"Oh darn it." I wave for a taxi, pulling Yuki with me. "Follow that taxi please." The taxi driver looks at us suspiciously, but shakes his head.

"When we arrive there, I want you to follow me closely okay, perferably next to me or in front of me where I can see you." If we really meet the doves and engage into a battle, they will think that Yuki is a ghoul as well. I really hope Mrs. Fueguchi knows how to use her kagune to protect herself even though she doesn't fight. Because then I have one less person to worry about too much.

"This is getting exciting." Yuki wriggles a bit. 

"Yuki."

"Sorry."

We arrive at a graveyard. As we walk leisurely a few hundred metres behind Mrs. Fueguchi, I hold onto Yuki. Mrs. Fueguchi turns and walk down a slope, where she stops and kneels at a tombstone, makes a prayer and begins to dig.

What is she trying to bury?

"Xandra, the CCGs are here." Yuki whispers.

I look around, they are standing a few rows of graves away, looking at the widow.

Shit.

I pull Yuki along with me, towards Mrs. Fueguchi. By the time we arrive, she has already bury it.

"Mrs. Fuguechi."

Said woman looks up, surprise and sorrowful tears fill her eyes. I kneel next to her, pay my respects to the dead and continue, "I am sorry for your loss, but we must go."

"But..."

"Xandra, they are coming." Yuki warns.

"Mrs. Fueguchi, I am sorry, we must really go." I pull the two women out of the graveyard.

When we arrive at the entrance of the graveyard, I look back to see the two CCGs standing at the tombstone. The man with white hair catches my eyes, he smiles.

I turn back, my heart is trembling. My face is on the suspicion list now. I continue to pull them away, my fear is almost taking over me. I want to fly away, I want to be free-

A car suddenly stops next to us, I turn around so abruptly, my kagune almost got out. Kaneki is sitting next to the driver. The driver comes out of the car, approaching us while Kaneki looks shock to see us all walking around.

"Mrs. Fueguchi, what are you doing here?" The driver asks. He has a stern face and short blond hair.

"I was visiting my husband's grave, to bury his mask." She gives a pained smile, trying to reassure all of us that she is okay, she is strong. But we all know it is not going to work.

"You are the other new worker, right?"

"Yes, I am Xandra." 

"Get in the car, I will take you all back to Anteiku."

All of us get in and the car starts again. The smell of leather fill my nose. Ugh. I hate this smell.

"Huh. Kaneki?" Mrs. Fueguchi greets him, while Kaneki being the dork, returns a stuttering greeting.

Kaneki seems to have something to say but decided against it. I nod at him while he awkwardly smiles back.

I can feel the tension in the car.

I turn away, trying to seek comfort by looking at the blurred scenary outside.

"Did you escort Mrs. Fueguchi?"

Suddenly, all the attention in the car is on me. I try not to fidget but my fingers start to fumble unconsciously.

It feels like I am choosing between betraying Mrs. Fueguchi and lying.

"Sort of..." I trail off, not wanting to tell the full truth. Since I have been nothing but rude to Mrs. Fueguchi by forcing her to leave during her visit to her dead beloved so abruptly, I believe my image isn't that great already.

I glance at Mrs. Fueguchi. She stares off into some unknown, as if nothing else from the world can wake her from the memories.

And here is another problem, if I were to live the rest of my life with my ghoul other, we will have to live in fear of being hunted. What kind of life would it be? And when one of us dies unjustified, what would I or he do?

I am sorry, Mrs. Fueguchi.

"I saw Mrs. Fueguchi going out when I was leaving Anteiku with my friend." I gestured to Yuki who is sitting next to me, she is surprisingly relaxed. "So we followed her," I flinch a bit at the 'follow' part, "and we arrive at the graveyard. I surprised Mrs. Fueguchi a bit for interupting her visit, but we actually saw the CCGs standing not far away..."

After getting it out, I feel more burdened. The white man has seen my face. And people as old as him, survived a lot of battles and has a really good instituition, not to mention fighting skills. Good lord.

I decide not to mention the eye meeting part. I can fight. I am supposed to protect those who can't, and there are already two of them to me. 

Kaneki sneaks some glances at me, at which I catches some but decides to ignore the rest. My head is throbbing from all these stress.

I sigh. What a day.


	11. Intimidation: XI (unedited)

Intimidation: XI

I told Yuki a lot of things after our encounter with Mrs. Fueguchi at the graveyard. However, I refrain from telling her about my past. I don't want anyone to know. I told her about Hoshi, and after their meeting, the two of them clickes and act as if they are brother and sister. Totally ignoring me. And Hoshi went out with Yuki today as I work.

"Wah! I-I am sorry for intruding!" Kaneki rushes down from Hinami's room in a frenzy.

"What happened?" I place a hand on Kaneki's shoulder, he looks upset.

The Evil Ape, Koma smiles a bit. "You didn't go into Hinami's room, did you? She is eating, and ladies don't like being seen eating."

I pipe in. "You could have tell Kaneki sooner. And I don't really care if you see me eating." I shrug nonchalently, though seeing Kaneki being scared like that... if he sees me, he will surely faint.

As Koma dries a dish, he mutters, "you are not a lady."

"Well excuse me." I feign offended, playfully glaring at Koma. "Prepare to become a piece of crap as I beat you up." Smirking, I show my canines.

Snorting, Koma retorts, "and beating up people is what a lady does obviously." Kaneki is trying to suppress his chuckles, seeing that I have achieved my goal, I smile.

Turning back, I snare a bit. Koma puts up his hands in defeat.

"Okay, okay. You are a pretty lady person. Putting that aside, why don't you take this cup of coffee to Hinami, Kaneki? To apologize for being uncivilized." I roll my eyes at his wordings - 'uncivilized'.

"I am pretty sure the most civilized person here is Kaneki." I follow Kaneki up the stairs, not wanting to talk to the obnoxious monkey man further.

"Xandra, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Yeah.." I answer absentmindedly. "Huh? Oh, I mean I don't mind at all."

"Do you-" he shakes his head, face a bit flushed, "what is it like to be a born ghoul?"

"Oh." Suddenly I turn serious, "do you expect me to tell you it has been horrible since I was born?" Quoting Touka's words, it strike him like a spear.

"N-no. I didn't mean it like that, but how did you-"

"How I know Touka said those words to you is not the point." We stop at the corridor, just outside Hinami's room.

"Go on, after you give her the coffee, I will tell you more." I nudge him towards the door, he looks at me uncertainly, but harden his will as he knocks.

"Hi Hinami, I am sorry for intruding you earlier, please accept this cup of coffee as an apology." He places the coffee on the table, Hinami puts down her book. I smile to myself, closing the door behind me to give them some privacy.

"Kaneki, I am going to be downstairs."

The 'okay' is muffled by the wall. I walk down, continue to work for the day.

Kaneki comes down a bit later, smiling happily. Mrs. Fueguchi and Hinami walks out with the manager. Kaneki takes his place beside me.

"Big brother, thanks for teaching me Kanji."

"You can always find us when you need to." Kaneki bows at them as they wave goodbye. The manager goes back into his office.

Us?

Don't read too much into things, Xandra. I remind myself, after all, the only person who gets her hopes up suffers alone in the end.

"I am going to have my resting time. So work hard." At that Koma leaves us as well, that leaves only the two of us and some customers. The business is quite slow today.

"Kaneki, you might become afraid of me for what I am about to say. But that is my opinion and I hope you can respect that." I hope he doesn't see me as a monster after that.

"I wouldn't be afraid of you, of course!" He waves his arms frantically, in which I don't understand why he is making such a fuss out of this one sentence. I want to pat him in the head, for being so naive.

"Please don't make promises that you can't keep." I sigh, I hate people who does that, I can find a lot of these people in my past. But the monster part of my grinned, I ate all of them, ghoul and human.

Seeing that all the customers are enjoying their coffee or cake, I start. "I don't hate my... other self. Sure, I have a social life out of all that, and I have to keep it in order to survive in this cruel but beautiful world. But I also find myself treasuring the other part of me." 

He frowns.

"The fact that I am blessed, or cursed in your opinion, with these physcial abilities, is rather objective. To me, this ability is a tool for me to protect the ones I love, or someone I deem worth fighting for." I add the last sentence refering to him. He doesn't need to know it, of course.

"Eating is... solely for survival, unless you are like Rize, finding pleasure in playing with her food and seeing them in realization and fear." He averted his gaze a bit at his memories, I pat his back gently, hoping the physical contact will remind him that all has passed. They are just memories, what is done, is done.

"For me, I don't feel anything particular when I eat, just like how humans eat beef and pork and all sorts of meat. If these animals have human intelligence, I can see the human race going extinct. But of course, humans are known to be the top of the food chain, apart from the ghouls. Since the beginning of the human era, humans have been killing. Killing other 'inferior' beings, killing each other, killing whatever that is in their place. Trample over the homes of others, burn the remains of what was precious." I take it deep breath, saying all these out loud make me want to cry.

"I am not saying this to justify the killings done by ghouls. All I want to say is, humans are not as glorious as they see themselves as. And I hope you can see different races as they are without being blinded by what the society, what the norm feeds us with. Because that's far from the truth, and living in ignorance is the most pitiful and hateful thing to do."

My eyes start to blur.

Why?

Why am I crying?

Because I was once blinded as well, living in the pain of hating yourself for what you are, for something that you can't change at all.

"Please excuse me." I rush out of the scene before the customers see me crying. I hide in a corner of the stock room, next to the bin.

I look at the inanimate object, a wave of fear washing over me.

_"Go sit there, face the wall, next to the rubbish bin."_

_I obey wordlessly. I have failed again._

_I want to get out of here, I want to kill this monster in a human hide and escape from this wrenched place. But I failed._

_I asked him for a spar, but all I wanted was to kill him. But in order to kill someone as mad as him, I have to become just as mad._

_"Now, now. Why don't you reflect on your mistakes before you come to me again? You know you will never kill me, you are too weak, too naive, too dumb to do all that." Then, a whip come across my back, tearing the piece of clothe that I had sewn for countless times._

_This is endless._

_"You know what is in this rubbish bin? It's human food, rotten ones at that. Do you think there is a difference in taste if you eat these? Will they taste normal instead? Since normal human food taste rotten to you."_

_He pulls my hair, pushing my head into the rubbish bin. The smell of sourness and decomposition makes my eyes tear up, I want to puke._

_"Eat it, dumb bitch. I want to see you eat it."_   
_And I did. Because I failed. And until next time, I have to continue doing this._

I lie my head back, breathing heavily from the flashback. They are just memories. That's all.

"Horrible, aren't they?" A voice suddenly appear next to me. Looking up, Koma sits beside me.

"No. They were in the past."

"You can always tell someone about it, you know."

I turn away.

"Letting go of your memories is one thing, letting out your emotions is another thing. I will let you think about that." At that, Koma leaves me alone. Wiping my tears, I walk out of the room as well. I have escaped from work too much.

"Xandra! Are you okay? I am sorry." Kaneki looks relieved when he sees me walking down the stairs, he comes to me.

"No, it's not your fault." I try to smile.

It's showering outside. Did Mrs. Fueguchi and Hinami bring their umbrellas?

"Our shift has ended, Xandra." Kaneki reminds me, we walk up the stairs again.

"Oh, okay. Sorry for leaving you out there fending for yourself."

"It's okay, there aren't that many customers anyway."

A comfortable silence takes over, as we reach the respective changing rooms, he stops.

"Hey, um.. Would you mind hanging out with me after this? If you have nothing to do, of course."

"Yeah, it's okay."

We go into our rooms and change, I can see the tips of his ears becoming red as the door closes.

Closing my hands over my cheeks, I feel the heat coming off of them.


	12. Intimidation: XII(unedited)

Intimidation: XII

"So tell me, how was your life before you become this hybrid?"

"It's relatively duller, I guess."

We are walking down the streets. I didn't bring my umbrella, one more reason for me to 'hang out' with Kaneki.

"I always have Hide with me, but that's it. Hide was the world to me," seeing the smirk forming on my face, he quickly adds, "not romantically of course. I submerge myself in the world of Takatsuki Sen's fictions, and Hide acts as a gateway for me to the real world."

"I see."

"And moreover, I... I don't know if I should tell you this or not." We stop outside a bookshop. He isn't even looking at the books, but the slippery concrete.

"You don't have to, just because I made a speech back there doesn't mean you are entitled to tell me things that are private to you.

But if you want to, then by all means, be my guest."

"I will be your guest then." He chuckles a bit, but the corners of his lips turn down. "My father died when I was four. I was so young then that I can't even remember his face, but I know he loved books by the collections at my old home. When I read books," he lifts his head, looking longingly at the new book Takatsuki Sen has published, "I feel like I am having a conversation with him.

As for my mother, I loved her a lot. She is kind, gentle and hardworking. However, when I was ten, she passes away as well, from overworking.

When she was still alive, my mother's younger sister always come to my mother for money. And my mother always cave in, giving her the hard earned money where my aunt did nothing but take the money as if my mother owed her, as if she deserved it." His hands clenches in fury, I look at it, trying to decide whether or not to hold it. But it will stop his flow of words.

"My aunt adopted me when my mother died. She saw me as a nuisance, as a source of her money was gone and she had to take care of me as well. I tried to please her by working hard, I wanted someone to love me. At first, it was okay. Then she started comparing me with her son. I got the top in class whereas his son doesn't do well, even failing at times.

Things become worse, and I gave up. I feel foolish for even hoping for love from her. I was so stupid. But Hide was there to save me, and I didn't care about them again. Just as they did to me."

I should say sorry for what he has gone through, shouldn't I? Just like how most of the people will do. But I understand very well that people who go through these kind of things in their life doesn't want an apology nor pity from others. Contrarily, they need the comfort of someone always being there for them, just like how Hide is to Kaneki.

"You want a hug?" I open my arms wide, my hands go beyond the umbrella, becoming wet.

"Wh-what?" He flushes bright red.

"You are my friend, and very obviously you are upset about it. Oh come on." I embrace him. To be honest, I rarely do this to a lot of people. Well, there aren't a lot of people I can hug to begin with.

This isn't how I pictured it. It is a bit awkward, but it is warm nevertheless.

We break apart, neither of us saying anything.

"Big brother! Big sister!" Hinami running towards us, she gasps and almost fall.

I rush out to hold her. My clothes are starting to get soaked, all the warmth earlier has left, what's left behind is dread when we see her face.

"M-my mom-CCGs-" she manages to choke out as she cries. She pulls me towards the scene. Kaneki follows behind as we weave through pedestrians.

As we are about to turn a corner, I pull Hinami back. I can hear the fighting, or rather, the one way attacking by the CCGs.

"A mother sacrificing for her child. Disgusting. A ghoul trying to imitate a human."

The three of us take a glimpse from our hiding, what happens next leave me vengeful.

Kaneki covers Hinami's eyes, while trying to suppress his cry himself.

Her head falls. Her last words unheard of. The last emotion in her eyes extinguished as her head hits the ground.

"Now, as for the little worm, her end will come soon."

I pull Kaneki and Hinami away. Both of them are paralyzed in fear and sadness. If we don't get out of here, we will be killed too. My old mask is not with me while the new ones are still undone.

Retreating is the best option now.

The both of them are shakened, I wouldn't blame them. I am pretty upset about it myself. Hinami has lost her family, all in a few months. Kaneki has just seen the cruelty of humans, that should be make him rethink about the values humans have and impose on others unconsciously. As for me, I feel like it is all over again. I am numb to it. The dying of a ghoul that I cared for.

Mrs. Fueguchi, if you can hear me, I will protect Hinami with all my might. I promise you, your sacrifice will not go in vain. Until Hinami can protect herself, Anteiku will give her the warmth and the home she needs. Please rest in peace.

We arrive at Anteiku, all soaked through. The manager sees us and immediately understands. Koma ushers us into Hinami's room as Kaneki and Hinami sit there with dull eyes. I help Koma take some towels from the stock room, he hands some to Kaneki while I tend to Hinami. Kneeling in front of her, I dry her hair gently.

I don't know what to say to her, so I decided that leaving her alone is the best. Telling her that she still has a home with us is a bit harsh. As a twelve years old child like her should be still in denial, if I said that, it will be confirming that her mother and father were dead.

Not now. She should take a rest and perhaps Yoshimura will tell her later.

I put a towel over Hinami's body, she is ice cold. I hold her hands, hoping the little warmth that I have will pass on to her. I hope she understands that I will protect her.

Yoshimura invites all of us out of the room, leaving Hinami alone in the room. I stare at her worrily, she might catch a cold if she stays like that.

We enter Yoshimura's office, this is not the first time I have entered it. In fact, the last time was when he offers me a job here.

He gives us a debriefing session, where Kaneki tried to answer all the questions calmly, but I can see the underlying disbelief and shock to what happened only a few moments ago.

"Here is your new mask, Xandra." Yoshimura hands me a brown paper bag. I start to hesitate. I thought Uta will give it to us at the same time. What would mine look like? What if it reminds people of what I was?

I grit my teeth, these fears are stupid anyway. I trust Uta for his artistic tastes. And if I don't like it, I will just have to make some adjustments myself.

I take mine out.

This isn't Uta's usual style. It is almost blank, apart from a few symbols which the meaning is unknown to me. My right eye will be covered but the left won't. If my right eye is left uncovered, everyone will recognize my white eye.

It fits my face, and provides enough space for me to breathe. Why is it so blank? There is a slip inside.

_**Create your own.** _

Huh. I put the slip back into the paper bag, making sure no one has seen it.

"You two should go home and take a rest. Both of you have done well."

"No we didn't." The black head mutters, his head is down.

"Sometimes, there are things we can't control. Kaneki, and Xandra, you have done your best. Hinami could have died as well if you two weren't there."

I stand and walk to the door without saying anything. Bitterness at the tip of my tongue, I leave the cafe regardless of the rain. It is going to stop soon anyway.

It didn't.

I arrive at my apartment, soaked to the skin.

"Oh my gosh, what happened to you?" Yuki was reading something to Hoshi, the both of them come to me when they see my state.

I sigh wearily.

"Mrs. Fueguchi is killed by the CCGs."

"Hinami's mother is dead?" Hoshi starts to tear up.

"Yes."

"That's... That's horrible." Yuki gasps, covering her mouth.

"I was there, seeing it but I could do nothing."

All of us stand here, contemplating. I have brought enough gloom into this house, I walk towards the shower with some clean pajamas.

I placed the mask on the sink.

Create my own, huh.


	13. Intimidation: XIII (unedited)

Intimidation: XIII

"The 'best' thing? Even though our friends have been murdered, you are just going to suck on your thumb and watch quietly? That's the 'best' thing to you, manager?

Both Hinami's parents were killed by the doves, it would be pathetic if we don't attack the enemy."

I shake my head, knowing where this is going. And after the manager says what he is going to say, Touka is going act recklessly. Kaneki watches helplessly as the scene unfolds before him. 

"The pathetic thing is not that we won't attack the enemy... what truely pathetic is to be consumed by the desire to revenge and being unable to live one's life."

"Are you talking about me?" Touka glares at the manager. She clicks her tongue and left. Slaming the door behind her, I hear the complaints from the hinge of the door.

"Don't worry, she has a lot to think about. And all of you here, please don't get involved with them. Mr. Koma and Miss. Irimi, please warn our customers." 

We leave the room, the manager gives us both a day off. The atmosphere is heavy, Kaneki is looking at his own hand, deep in thought.

"Kaneki, I don't think Touka can save her even if she is in our place." I put his hand away, he looks at me. 

"I-I am sorry?" 

With patience, I rephrase. "It's not our fault, I think it was better that we were the ones with Hinami instead of Touka at that time. There are always things that happen at the wrong time in the wrong place."

The manager opens the door, Kaneki and I turns to him. "Xandra is correct, even ghouls are hesistent to go up against the investigators. Above all else, you two are able to fulfill Mrs. Fueguchi's wish, and that is to keep Hinami safe."

"I wouldn't say that yet, manager. Until Hinami can protect herself, we still haven't fulfilled Mrs. Fueguchi's wish."

"You are right." the manager says, walking away with his hands at his back.

As we walk down the stairs to the cafe, Kaneki says out of the blue. "Xandra, there is this training I have with Touka. Do you think Hinami should join us?"

"I don't think now is the best time. If she joins in now, she will think that we provide all these trainings to her so that she can have revenge."

"You are right."

Although I want to say I am always right, it's not true. "It's just a piece of my opinion."

We part ways, I wander around the streets. I am worried. I know Touka is a hot-headed person, she is reckless. It might have something to do with her past. And this time, she is bound to get herself hurt. As for Kaneki, I know he still blames himself for the death of Mrs. Fueguchi.

When you lose something, you want to make sure next time you won't lose it again. And to ensure it won't happen again, you will want to become stronger. Perhaps, that's what Kaneki is going through now. Once upon a time, I go through the same thing as well. No, I am still going through the same thing. 

How strong can I get? Is there a limit? Will I be blinded by the rage and power that I lose what is the most important to me, myself?

It's the time of the month. 

My stomach growls. I need to hunt. Running back to my apartment, I enter in a hurry for my new mask. Stuffing it into my bag, I almost bump into Hoshi.

"Xandra, where are you going?" 

"I need to hunt. I will bring some back for you." 

"Can I go with you?" 

"I think it's best you stay here, the doves are here. If they see me hunting with you, they won't hesitate to kill you first because you are a easier target. So please stay here, okay?"

"Okay..." Hoshi walks away sadly. I am sorry, I can't risk it.

"I'll be back soon." I step out of the apartment. It's almost sunset, the time for killing is coming.

Walking among the humans and ghouls, I try to pin on a victim for food. Two investigator with white luggages, or more specifically, the two murderers of Mrs. Fueguchi walks toward my direction. 

The white man. His pale complex gives me the creeps, he reminds me of white snakes.  
"Ah, aren't you the lady we saw at the graveyard with Mrs. Fueguchi?" They stop in front of me.

"No. Who is Mrs. Fueguchi?" I pretend to examine them, putting up a look of confusion on my face. 

"Are you sure you don't know her? Isn't she missing for a day now? Her daughter will surely miss her." 

Shut the fuck up. I wanted to say, but I can't blow my cover.

"She has been missing for a day now? And she has a daughter? I do hope she goes back for her daughter soon. I can't help you, I really don't know this Mrs. Fueguchi except that I feel pity for her daughter. Her daughter must be very worried and afraid." I try to side step and leave. But the taller man blocks my way.

"Are you sure? You sound like you know her." As the white man continue to grin wider and wider. The taller man comes closer to me, my heart hammers in fear. I am afraid I might break down in front of them and lash out.

"I am sure. Please get out of my way, I need to go to work or else my boss will fire me for being late again." My voice barely shake.

"I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time. We don't want you to lose your job, Amon, let's go." And they left, I look at them. I am sure they didn't buy my excuse, but we are attracting attention. 

Xandra. It's sunset, it's when people leave their work and go home. How are you going to be late to work? 

I smack my head. I am so stupid! They know I am lying. Or they even guessed that I am a ghoul now, and they know I am connected to Mrs. Fueguchi somehow. They might use me as a lead to Hinami. 

I hope they buy my excuse, I can be a night watcher. I look at my clothes, I don't look like that night watcher wearing jeans and a hoodie like this. Ugh. I am so doomed.

I still need to hunt though. Or should I wait till they are off my scent. No, they are going to be on my tail until they kill me anyway. Might as well fill my stomach first, then I will tell someone about it.

Quickly finding my victim, I put on my mask, pull him into an alley and go for his throat. He was an old hobo, probably not even on the citizen list. But food is food. It doesn't matter.

"So you are really a ghoul." Getting annoyed, I flick some shards at the two investigators. They side step it.

"You are so annoying, shut up. Congrats, you have guessed it right and I am a ghoul. And here I am eating human meat. And you are going to kill me. But if you kill me, you wouldn't know where her daughter is, because I have hide her so deep that she is out of your reach." Tearing a piece of flesh from the old man's arm, I put it in my mouth. Grinning and chewing, I show as much of my bloodied teeth as possible. The taller man, Amon grimaces at my face.

"An ukaku huh. It should be easy to kill you." The white man clicks his suitcase and a quinque come out. It reminds me of some kind of insect. 

"The old man is yum. You want some?" 

"I should rip off your mouth first for talking so much." The quinque swosh in the air, landing at where I was standing on, and snapping the old man's body in half.

I laugh in the air, then I turn serious.

"As if you can." Spinning in the air, I hug myself and my ukaku act as a blade. Spinning towards them and separating his quinque in half.

Uncurling, I give a low swipe on his legs but he leap back. The other man, Amon charges at me.

"Say Amon, why are you so huge?" As he slash at me with his quinque, I jump away but remain a relatively close distance to him. 

"Shut up, it's none of you human eating monster's business." He snares, putting his quinque overhead for the next blow. I could have kill him there and then by plunging my hands into where his unguarded heart is.

But I didn't.

Smiling sweetly, I ask. "How much meat have you consumed in your life? Do you like beef? Or pork? Or chicken? Or lamb? Aren't all humans murderers as well?" 

The white man slash and breaks our dance. Aw, it was such a lively one. "Amon, don't listen to her. She is a ghoul."

I narrow my eyes at him, showing my canines. "I thought we have already established that, old man." Both of them slash at me, I backflip to the dead old hobo again.

"If I am a human eating monster, what are you? A diversed animal eating monster?" I laugh at the comparison. "I bet you have killed more lives than me in your pathetic human life.

I don't have more time to waste on you two." Pulling the legs off the body, I take off into the air, narrowly missing an attack by the white man as the quinque tries to wrap around my body.

Any wounds I have sustained from the battle heals immediately. Pulling a piece of muscle fibre, I chew on my way back home.


	14. Intimidation: XIV(unedited)

Intimidation: XIV

I told the manager everything the other day.

"I am going to leave the 20th ward, manager." I take a sip of the black coffee, it's bitter and it burns my throat. But this is the first and the last cup of coffee made by Yoshimura that I am going to taste. They say he makes the best coffee here, after all.

"And why is that?" His kindred eyes are closed, or am I just imagining that his eyes are kind? 

"The investigators know who I am and plan to use me as their lead to find Hinami." I place my cup on the table, I don't like black coffee. And the manager's coffee didn't change my mind about it.

"I thought that out of the three of you, you would be the one to know best that you are not to get involved with them."

"I know that very well, manager. But they have seen me with Mrs. Fueguchi when we were visiting the graves." That reminds me. Yuki.

"Can I make a request?"

"Let's hear it." He leans in, business like.

"I have a human bestfriend, I saved her from a ghoul before so she knows our true identity. She was with me when we visit the graves. She is a loyal friend, and I have been in her debt for being so kind to me, and reaching out to me when I was alone.

Can I ask for Anteiku's protection over her when I am gone?"

"Yes. But what will you give in return?" 

"Gi-give in return?" I have nothing to offer, except hoping that the investigators will follow me to the other wards. "I ha-have nothing."

"Then, can I ask you to be loyal to Anteiku?" 

He doesn't even have to ask.

"Yes."

"That's all I needed." 

I can't believe it. It's all done. I am going to leave tonight, with Hoshi. I know the 20th ward is the most peaceful ward and others are like shit. Taking Hoshi with me will be dangerous, when I don't even know if I can protect myself or not.

"Do you want the others to know of your whereabouts?"

I shake my head, "I will tell them individually."

He nods and smiles, "I pray for your safety."

"And everyone here as well." I reply and go down to work. Kaneki and Touka are on the shift.

"Touka, Kaneki, I have something to tell you." Both of them look up, waiting for me to continue. Seeing that Touka has a bandage over her right arm, I sigh internally. "This is my last day working here, I am going to move out of the 20th ward due to some circumstances."

Both of them are shocked, Touka demands, "why?"

"I rather not tell. But this is for the best interest of Hinami."

"Xandra, what really happened?" Kaneki places a hand on my shoulder, I stare at it dully. It might have made me happy that he is concerned for me before, but now I will just miss him more.

Shaking my head, I refuse to tell. "Touka, I know you wanted revenge for Mrs. Fueguchi. But please be careful, if you are hurt, everyone on Anteiku will be sad and worried. So please act with vigilance." She averts her gaze, gritting her teeth. I take her hands, "just a piece of advice from someone is not careful enough." She looks up, I can only smile sadly.

Turning to Kaneki, I hope he will remember my words. "Kaneki, I know you still blame yourself for not able to save Mrs. Fueguchi. But don't blame youself too much, okay? Becoming stronger is one way to protect, but on the path towards power and strength, there are a lot of challenges and you might lose yourself. Always remember who you are. You are someone who lives in both worlds, remember that." I wipe a tear that escaped the corner of my blind eye. 

Good lord I am getting sappy.

"Can we still talk?"

"By letter." I don't have a phone. Since the night my identity was first revealed to Yuki, I forgot to get a new one.

"Huh?" Touka snickers, "you are so old schooled." But she gives me her phone number nevertheless.

"Yeah yeah, I don't have a phone. The most valuable thing on me was my camera, which is Hoshi's now. Oh well, then the next most valuable thing would be my clothes." Touka clicks her tongue, but there is a smile.

"I will send you a letter when I find a place to live." Kaneki writes down his address and his phone number on a little slip, in which I put in my wallet. Both of us look at Touka. 

"Wah, I am not as willing in giving her my address as you, idiot Kaneki. Moreover, you can just send your letters here for me."

"It-it's not like that, Touka." Kaneki flails his arms in the air. I chuckle, embarassed that she pointed that out.

"Whatever, just do your work, shithead. And... Xandra, good luck and take care."

"You too. I will tell you guys what happen as soon as possible, and possibly getting a phone."

"Yeah, do that. Bye."

I wave without saying goodbye, this isn't really a good bye after all. I will go back when this ends. As I walk back to my apartment, I see a person I have never thought to meet here.

"Why are you here, gourmet?" 

"Ah, bonne journée, milady. Where are you going?" 

"It's none of your business. Are you here for another victim for your disgusting entertainment?" 

"Why else would I be here? I hear that the last sight of Rize is here. And I can smell the delicious fragrance of a human boy with her scent. I wonder why."

"Don't wonder. Just leave." 

"Ah, so rude. You can't stop me."

"Shut up with your 'ah's and 'oh's, just piss off already." I am ready to push him away, but he catches my hand in mid air. 

"By any chance, do you know this boy?" 

I click my tongue in annoyance, and flick my hand out of his grip. "As if I know, if I know, I would have eaten him already. You know how much I hate her."

He hums and looks at me, the gears in his mind turning and scheming for his next meal. "Goodbye, my milady. I am going to find him myself."

"Good luck with the search then." I walk away to find the nearest electronics shop.

"Good afternoon, I want to buy a phone."

"Here are the latest models, is there any function you need in particular? Like HD photo shooting or fast internet connection?"

"I don't need any of that. What I want is to cheap one which can call and send messages." I don't have time for internet surfing and taking photos anyway. Moreover, Hoshi has a camera.

"Maam, all phones can do that." The saleman looks annoyed that he can't sell some latest phones that goes by the name of a fruit or starts with the letter 'S'.

"Then give me the cheapest one." I wait impatiently, thrumming my fingers on the table. 

"Please pay here. This is the cheapest model. Do you need to check it?" I check the contents of my new phone. 

"Yeah it's fine, let's pay for it- wait. Give me one more of it." One for Hoshi as well.

"Is that all?" I check the contents of the other one as well.

"Yes." 

After I pay for the phones, I quickly go to buy the sim cards. Inserting the battery and the sim cards, I try to turn it on. I failed. The batteries are not charged. 

Oh whatever. I will have to leave tonight and charge my phone when I pack the stuff.

"Hoshi, I am home!" I quickly close the door.

"Xandra, are we really going away?" Hoshi bounces to me with the camera strapped on.

I bend my knees to his height, ruffling his hair. "Yes. I am sorry. I said I will give you a stable home, but the investigators are on my tail. I am really sorry for getting you into this as well, I can't just get you to stay in Anteiku, I have given them enough trouble. I am really sorry, Hoshi." I ramble on, but stopped when Hoshi hugs me.

"It's okay. I will follow you, we will live together. Even if we have to live out there." 

"I certainly hope not, but let's help each other out okay? And you have to know a few moves to protect yourself. I will teach you as much as I can."

He nods enthusiastically.

Then we pack a few of our belongings, the apartment doesn't look like it has changed much. Instead, it is like how it was before. Bare. 

I forgot to charge the phones. Oh well, I will do it when we get to the train stations.


	15. Intimidation: XV(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes:
> 
> I try to follow the manga as closely as possible. Please disregard any minor inconsistency in this story with the manga, because it is actually quite difficult to do that and adding your own insert at the same time. 
> 
> And sorry if it is weird that Hoshi suddenly have a 180 degrees change, he is a teenager but due to the lack of communication with people for the most of his life, he sounded like a little toddler. In this chapter, he will be more of a teenager and will be a lot more mature as well.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for the reading!! ^.^
> 
> Comments and kudos are most welcomed.

Intimidation: XV

**Dear Kaneki,**

**Hi, Kaneki. I am Xandra. How are you? And how is Touka? Anything interesting happening in Anteiku?**

**I have found a place to settle down with Hoshi. It's in the 11th ward. I know it's a dangerous ward, but it was once my home.**

I cross everything and throw the piece of paper at a random direction.

"Xan- Ow." Whoops.

"I am sorry." I laugh at my mistake, Hoshi clutches his forehead and glare at me half heartedly.

Boy has he grown in this month. How can a ten years old have a growth spurt this early?

"How old are you exactly, Hoshi?"

"About thirteen? I don't know."

"Thirteen?!" I have always thought he is ten or something, with his height and his speaking. But his speaking style has matured as well, more like a normal teenager now. "I thought you were ten."

"Yeah..." He looks away.

"I am sorry."

"It's okay." Changing the subject, he retrieves the fallen draft. "So the first person you are going to contact is Kaneki." He smiles knowingly.

"No! I plan to write to Yuki and every one of them as well."

"But I see litters everywhere. And I guess all of them are for Kaneki?" He is right, I have been drafting the letter the whole night and the place is filled with drafts.

He randomly picks one up. "Nice doodle. It kind of looks like him." He holds the paper up, a disfigured Kaneki on the paper.

I groan and slump on the table. "Shut up and throw it away."

"Are you sure? Should I burn it as well?" This Hoshi is going to get beat up if he continues with this cheeky attitude.

"Do what you want." I am embarassed enough, my heart is beating too fast. I missed them, all the people in Anteiku as well as my bestfriend. Do they miss me as well? And Hoshi? I wonder what they will think if Hoshi goes back like this.

"Then I am going to send all these to them."

"Hoshi!" I screech.

"I am just kidding, you know I am on your side right?" He draps his arm on my shoulder, which has gained a lot of muscles from the trainings. He has a koukaku that is shaped like an sword.

"I am starting to doubt that." Hoshi ruffles my hair, something that only I should be able to do because I am older than him for goodness sake!

"Aw don't. Just because I am starting to win you in every fighting session doesn't mean I will stop loving you." He kisses my cheek, intentionally leaving saliva on my face.

"Ew. Piss off." I rub them off as if they are contaminated with HIV.

"Ready to be defeated again?" He leaps out of the broken window.

Giving a last glance to all the paper, I follow Hoshi and leap down the three stories height. "You wish. Why am I living with a douchebag again?"

He is standing at the opposite side of the abandoned basketball court. "What's a douchebag? Kagune?"

The good thing about 11th ward is that even if you fight on the streets with a kagune during the day, you won't be chased by investigators. It's like a fallen district in Japan, some place that is dominated by ghouls.

"'Douchebag' means smarty pants. And no, hand-to-hand." I snigger internally but become serious again.

Carefully examining his motions, I take a deep breath. His stance is reckless as always. His arms are still too wide apart, the abdominal part is not well protected, and he relies a lot on his kagune. So when he fights without a kagune, his kagune arm is put much farther away from his body due to habit. His legs are appropriately placed, such that he can sprint or leap without delay.

I wait for him, something he has been trying to replicate but his patience runs thinner than a piece of paper.

He sprints towards me.

Wait for it.

When he almost reaches me, he leaps up. I slide beneath him to dodge the overhead strike. If I was crueler, I would have just strike his leg and let him lose his balance.

"Too slow. Go faster." I shout, straighten myself again.

He growls and head straight at me again. He lifts his leg for a kick at my head, but I block it and punch his gut. It dazes him momentarily, I take this chance to give a low kick at which he barely jumps over. He flips backward to put distance between us.

Sweat rolls down his forehead.

Then, everything comes from reflexes. We punch, kick and block without a thought while thinking of strategies to deafeat the opponent.

Hoshi grabs my arm.

"Wait, Xan-"

I flip his hand and knee the elbow, a sickening crunch makes the monster part of me dance in delight. Then I kick his gut and he slides across the dusty ground.

When I realize what I have done, I immediately crouch next to Hoshi. The teenage is groaning in pain for his broken arm.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?" This question is stupid. Obviously he is not okay.

"I am going to put you bone back into the joint." Holding his arm, I put his elbow back in place. He bites his lips until it is bleeding. His ghoul body will heal the rest of the broken bones and injuries.

As we lay on the ground, looking at the clear sky. I hear the taps of the footsteps of two people, then it's gone as sudden as it comes.

"Xandra, I was going to tell you that there were two people looking at us when we were training." Hoshi gasps. I sit up.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I look around the basketball court. There isn't anyone except us, the strangers have left.

"I was going to tell you, but you broke my arm."

"Right, sorry." I stand up and pat my pants. "Let's go back. We need to organize our things." I jump onto the broken air conditioner on the first floor and leap into the room.

Hoshi follows shortly, a bit unbalanced due to his injured arm. "Huh? Why?"

I have a bad feeling about the two people who spectated our fight. But I make an excuse instead, I don't even know why I do this.

"Don't you think it's a bit messy?" I stack the paper up and put them on the desk, while he stands there clutching his injured arm.

"Why are you standing there? Help me tidy up the place." Tearing all the paper, I throw them into a metal bin.

He rolls his eyes. "I can't use my right arm."

"Then use your left, and it will heal in about an hour's time." He starts to pick up the clothes and blankets on the floor, dust fly everywhere.

Sneezing for a few times, I curse. "Holy cow and it's disciples." Using a lighter that I have picked up randomly on the streets on the first day here, I burn a corner of a piece of draft.

Bad idea.

"Ugh, what the hell did you do? It smells so bad." Hoshi shouts at me.

"Sorry. I suppose we need to find a new place to sleep now." I help him take some of the load. After gathering all of our personal belongings, we leap to the basketball court again. Smoke begins to pour out of the broken window.

"It really smells." I comment, both of us looking at the burning place.

After a while, the fire is visible and is licking the walls of the building.

Hoshi hugs his blanket and bag more closely. "You know, instead of using paper, why don't you use your phone?" He shoves his hand into his pocket and hands me my phone, the one that I have finally remembered to charge but never used.

I sigh. "Because I am stupid."

"You finally admit it." He tries to clap, his laughs echoes around the basketball court.

I pout. I turn on the phone, it's those with a physical keyboard, and that has to flip to answer the call.

"Where's my wallet?" I search around Hoshi's bag, finally finding the one thing that I haven't used since I come here. Opening it, I can remember exactly where I have put the little slip with Kaneki's number and address, as well as Touka's number. Inserting the information, I walk nearer to our burning sleeping place and throw the paper into fire as well.

"Let's find a place to sleep first."

I roll up the blankets while Hoshi rearranges the backpack for more space. Putting them inside, I pick up the backpack. Usually he is the one who takes it voluntarily. But his arm is injured and I didn't mind the load at all.

"Who are you?" Someone jumps out and rudely asks us as we walk down the streets.

"Who are you?" Hoshi narros his eyes at the stranger. This person doesn't seem like the people who spectated. He is large, with a swirling pattern as his beard. Three other ghouls with identical masks stand behind him.

"I am Banjou. I have never seen you here before."

"Oh come on, we have lived here for a month no-" I steps in front Hoshi, he has to stop running his mouth and we don't even know who these people are.

"Are you part of the Aogiri Tree?"

"No." I answer cautiously. What is that? Aogiri Tree? I thought it was the name of some Chinese tree.

"You should leave this ward immediately."

I need more information. "Why?"

"It might be too late for your two." The Banjou guy looks at his followers, all of them shake their heads and sigh.

"We saw two people looking at us just now." Hoshi steps out of my shadow, bravely talks to the large man. They all turn to him. I give a warning glance at Hoshi, which he nods slightly to.

"Can you describe their appearance?" All of them are leaning in. I want to swat their faces away, but I let them.

"They wore masks that are really similar, but not entirely the same. The background is white in colour where the pattern is red in colour. They also wear a dark cloak." I am surprised that Hoshi saw that much when we were fighting. This is something I need to improve on, otherwise I might attacked on the back by another ghoul other than the one I was facing.

"They are the Bin Brothers. You have no escape now."


	16. Intimidation: XVI(unedited)

Intimidation: XVI

"What exactly is 'Aogiri Tree'?" I ask, still very confused. Banjou scratches his chin, making a very troubled face.

I frown. What the heck? There are two ghouls called the Bin Brothers, which I suppose are really blood related brothers instead of just really good friends that always fight together. 

One of the follower says when he sees the leader deep in thought, "it's a ghoul organization. Even I don't know that much about them, I am just a very low ranked ghoul."

Since Banjou's followers all wear identical masks and clothes, I will just name them 1, 2 and 3 for the sake of simplicity.

"Are they the leaders of this organization? What do they actually do?" 

It will not surprising to see a ghoul organization that is against the CCGs.

Follower number 2 replies,"you mean the Bin Brothers? No, they are not. But they are high ranked enough to have a sufficient number of ghouls under their command, and escaping them will be very hard."

"Indeed. We were caught by them as well." Follower number 1 adds.

"In one of the conference, the leader says something about dominating the humans. So I suppose the purpose of this group is to kill humans?" Follower number 3 looks at his companions for support, the other two nods vigorously.

I click my tongue and cross my arms, glaring down at the four men in front of me. "How can I trust that you are telling the truth?" I can't think of any reason that they will be lying, but I am not sure if I can trust them as well.

"I can tell they are speaking the truth." Hoshi whispers.

"How?"

Hoshi shrugs. "I just can tell." 

Alright then.

"Since we can't escape now, do you think you can lead us to a shelter? You may be rewarded by the Bin Brothers if we are with you, since we are 'captured'." I hold out my hand, ready for a handshake. Banjou looks at the hand, then at me.

"Uh..."

"Xandra. And this is Hoshi."

He takes my hand in his both. I fight the urge to pull it out and punch him. "Xandra and Hoshi, you should escape while you can. You don't know what you are dealing with."

His three followers nod.

"But you just told me that we have no escape." And I want to know more about this organization as well, it might, no, it is most possible that it will threaten the peace in other wards, and I want to warn Anteiku.

"Yes that's true. But we have seen the terrors that this organization brings, shouldn't you take this young boy to some safe place first?" 

I become angry at his words. "Don't make me laugh. Is there really a 'safe place' in Japan? I think you can answer that yourself." I pull my hand out roughly. My only kakugan shows but I didn't summon my ukaku. I didn't mean to hurt them, it's just a warning.

His three followers push him back, forming a protective semi circle around Banjou.

"We don't need your help. We won't escape and we won't die either." I turn around.

"You are underestimating the power of the Aogiri Tree." A new voice says on my left. I spin around, I scrutinize the person.

He has messy purple hair, and features that reminds me of Touka. He wears an overcoat with white fur on the hood. 

"Who are you?" Hoshi accuses.

"What a brat. Is that how you speak to someone more powerful than you?" He strolls towards us, eyes filled with the intent to kill. Or just to beat us up.

"Your name is 'what a brat'? Nice name." Hoshi retorts, trying to piss him off. I chuckle.

"Shut up, brat." He does a flying kick at Hoshi, which I jump in and block with my arm.

"Aren't you the brat? Obviously I am older than you." I claw at his face, but he dodges.

"Then I shall make you taste the bitterness of defeat by someone younger than you, you piece of useless shit." He summons his kagune, which is an Ukaku. They look like fire sprouting out of his back. I guess they can fly as well, or at least glide.

I sigh dramatically, shrugging. "Do you have to add an insult in every sentence you say?"

He is fast, I have to give him that. His punches are very different from the ones that Hoshi gives, faster, more powerful, and filled with hatred. I block all of his punches, dodge his kicks. The shards he flicks at me imbeded itself on my arms.

"Why are you just defending? Are you too afraid that you can't beat me?"

"You are just a kid, how will you know the art of defence?" I dodge more of his attacks, I want him to think that he has my movements controlled. In which, of course he doesn't.

Suddenly, he changes the usual punching direction, aiming for my neck. I lean back a bit to avoid the attack.

Time for offence.

I grin at him, showing my change in attitude. Fear flashes in his eyes for a second, but it is gone as quickly as it came. 

I imagine myself storing energy, punching quicker and quicker while I block all his attacks with more force. It almost throw him off balance due to the unbalanced force I return.

I feel the rip of fabric on my back, my kagune has flatten itself and become horizontal. I jump and give a kick. Spinning, I land on my feet. 

I look back, that little brat has jump back a few metres, his hand covering his chest where my kagune has sliced through. Blood drips at the corner of his mouth. 

"Oh? What's wrong? Now you know your place?" One step at a time, our distance remain as he steps back. He spits. 

"The fight hasn't ended yet, bitch. Don't be so cocky." He wipes the corner of his mouth with his sleeves. Disgusting.

I laugh, pretending to be in disbelief. "What? Is it a fight to death battle? I will gladly carry out your death wish, you know."

"Cocky piece of trash. I hate trash like you the most."

"But aren't you one yourself? Hating oneself is such a painful thing to suffer from." I taunt. Pissing the opponent is a great strategy. They become more powerful in every punch, but much more careless and have less stamina.

"Ayato. Let us handle it."

I look up at the source of voice. The Bin Brothers stands on the roof of some short building not very far away. Hoshi shruggles from their grasp. 

Seeing this, Ayato smirks and jumps to join their side as well.

"If you give your loyalty to us, we will let him live." One of the twin ghoul has his tail out, the tip pointing at Hoshi's abdomen.

Hoshi tries to lean back, but his movements are limited by the other twin's bikaku.

I remain in silence, contemplating the pros and cons. Is there anything I can get out of joining this ghoul organization?

I rub my chin, my ukaku flutters behind me. "I will join your organization, but only if Hoshi stays with me and he will not be harmed by any of you."

"We cannot promise any of that. However, if you don't join, he will surely die." I don't even know which of the twin said that.

"If I join, I only ask that he will not be harmed by ghouls in the organization." I wonder, what gives me the bargaining power actually? Because I beat up that little purple haired fluff? 

"Alright, he will not be harmed by ghouls in the organization only if he pledges his loyalty to us as well." The bikaku is lowered.

"Very well." I leap up to the roof as well, Hoshi falls in my arms. My ukaku retreats, I pat Hoshi's back. Glad that he is back with me again.

"Welcome..." As I am about to tell them my name again, one of them says, "Xandra."

The way he pronounce it sends a shiver along my spine, why does it sound so familiar? The voice. The way he says it. Or actually, both of them reminds me of my forbidden memories that I can't recall anymore.


	17. Intimidation: XVII(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:
> 
> HEY! HI! HELLO! I DON'T EVEN CARE IF I AM TALKING TO MYSELF ANYMORE. 
> 
> BUT IF YOU ARE READING THIS, *DON'T WORRY I PLAN TO MAKE YOU SUFFER MORE BECAUSE I WILL CONTINUE THE STORY*, can you answer my questions? A prior thanks to anyone who does that. It's not neccessary to answer all of these questions, but it would be nice if you can. ☆.☆
> 
> 1\. Up till now, do you think the characters are as protrayed in the manga? (except Hoshi, Xandra and Yuki, because they are mine. ;) )  
> Especially the people in Aogiri Tree, e.g. Tatara/Noro/Banjou/Ayato/Bin brothers/Yamori/etc.  
> And also people in Anteiku: dorky Kaneki(whom is becoming stronger)/Touka/Hinami/etc.
> 
> 2\. What do you think of Xandra? Is she plain? Is she deep? Is she stupid? Is she weird? Is she *adjectives*? And do you like her?
> 
> 3\. What do you think of the story up till now? I know I follow the manga a lot, but do you think the insert is good? Or bad? Or just plain boring? ~.~
> 
> THANKS A LOT FOR JUST READING. 
> 
> Kudos and comments? Anyone?

"Stay in here." The Bin Brothers ask some of his subcoordinates to shove us into a dark cell which has a few other skinny ghouls in it. All of them looks like they are humans on drugs for a long time.

So, what now? We haven't eaten for this month yet, and it doesn't look like they will feed us either.

I crawl to the ghouls that seems to have a thin layer of dust on them, I shutter in disgust. Rubbing away my goosebumps, I manage to tap the shoulder of one of the ghouls without visibly recoil from the contact.

"Excuse me, how long have been you staying here?"

"Huh?" The ghoul I tapped has her kakugans activated. Her finger nails are black in colour and she hugs her legs tighter. They all look like a skeleton with just skin as its clothes.

"Don.t.. k..now..." her voice is raspy, as if her vocal cords have been torn and torn all over again for God know how many times. Her hair sticks up in all directions, something that looks suspriciously like dried blood caked in her hair. Hollow eyes are the most horrible, and hollow eyes with kakugan activated is scary even for me.

Someone pulls me back, Hoshi winces as the girl makes eye contact with him.

"What are we going to do now?"

I shake my head, I don't know.

Some guards passes by, chatting out loud as their cloaks caused the dust on the floor to swirl.

"They have found the first experiment?"

"Yeah, it seems the subject is at the 20th ward. Isn't he the one in the rumor? The one that has killed a high rank dove?"

20th ward?

The other person clicks his tongue, "don't sound like you are going to idolize him just because he killed an high class dove. Our leaders Noro and Tatara can beat them up without even blinking an eye."

"You can't even see Noro's eyes."

"That's just an expression, dumbass."

The voices become dimmer and dimmer and what's left is the echoes of their footsteps.

What has happened in the 20th ward? It's only been a month since I have left and it seems that there is a turmoil in the once most peaceful ward in Japan.

I peer out, looking for any Aogiri ghouls that are coming. When the coast is clear, I shrink back to the back of the cell. My back faces the outside and I hug my knees together.

"Hoshi, come here." He crawls to the spot next to me.

I pull out my phone, the only thing I have salvaged when those stupid Aogiri ghouls take away our bags and blankets.

This should be easy. I hope. I press a button, and a beep sound vibrates around the walls of the cell.

Both of us jump at the sound, we look at the outside of the cell. No one is here yet.

After a few heart attacks, I finally turn off the sound function. Then, to the message app.

"Xan, incoming." Hoshi whispers and sit away from me, acting natural.

"Got it." I put the phone behind me, almost sitting on it.

"What's that sound?" The previous ghoul, who almost 'idolized' the rumored killer of a high class dove, shouts at us. He glares at the malnutritioned ghouls, then at us.

"You! Are you the one who made those sounds?"

"What sounds? I can't hear anything." Hoshi scratches his head, pretending to think hard.

"The beep sounds! Do you have some devices with you?" He starts to take out the keys.

"Oh you mean those beep sounds? It was him farting. Can't you smell it? It's disgusting in here." I wave at the air and wrinkle my nose at the non existence stench. The ghoul puts his hand down and hastily put the keys back into his cloak.

He wriggles his finger at us. "Behave or else you will have a taste of what is worse than just a fart." And then he leaves.

"Is that really necessary?" Hoshi smacks my head lightly, I rub the spot. It actually hurts.

"Yes it is." We go back to our corner, I retreive my phone from the concrete. The bright screen blinded my eye for a millisecond.

**At 11th ward. Ghoul org. Aogiri Tree has someone they want in 20th ward. Be careful. -Xan**

I click the send button, and almost jump when the cell doors click open.

"You two, come out. You have been released." Another ghoul push the door open, Hoshi goes out first while I slip my phone into my pocket as I turn around.

The ghoul pulls my arm roughly and I almost hit my head in the metal bars above the door.

"You will be seeing our executives and leaders, be respectful and kneel."

We are seeing them? The Bin brothers? And those two ghouls that the ghoul guard mentioned?

I examine the corridor we are currently walking down. The walls have cracks on it and the metal rods that gives supporting force to the whole building are exposed. It looks as if the building will be collapsing when you are least prepared for it. Can't they find a better place other than this dump?

We enter a hall, the broken windows are stained wih grease and a lot of other mysterious substances that I am not sure of. There is a slightly elevated floor at the back, where chairs are put. A petite ghoul with bandages all over her body crosses her legs and leans her head on the her fist. A tall man with long white robe stands next to her. His mask covers the lower part of a face, which reveals stern and cruel eyes to intimidate any ghouls that crosses his path.

I don't like people who intimidate me. My hands are itching to claw his mask out and kill this feeling of intimidated. To kill the source of this feeling. I can feel rationality slipping away from the grasp.

Focus, Xandra. He is probably very strong. You might not get able to take him down now without consuming any food for the month.

I tear my heated gaze from the white man, he seems to be amused for the defiance which is clearly shown on my face.

Another person in black stands there. He wears a full face mask, which has been large mouth with two small slits that represents nostrils or eyes.

Other than these ying yang pair of ghouls, there stood the Bin Brothers, Ayato the trash talker, a woman with weird hair and a buff man with slitted eyes that reminds me of lizards.

We are forced to kneel down as the guard pushes our backs.

"I've heard that you have quite some fighting abilities." A voice boom in the silent hall. I search for the one who has spoken, but I cannot determine it is the white or the black man as the one without masks did not move their mouths at all.

"I believe there are stronger." I encloses my hands in my back. I don't want to pretend, but I need to earn their trust.

"Modesty. A trait that can only be found in someone who is truely powerful." The voice continues.

Ayato clicks his tongue and turn away in annoyance.

"You said you will join our organization if the weakling that is kneeling beside you is not harmed by us. What makes you think you have a value here? What makes you... so brave... and foolish to believe that you have bargaining power?"

He is mocking me.

"You will lose a potential ghoul follower if my terms are not complied."

"Have you not consider that we can always and will force you to join? Even if we have to kill everyone you treasure."

Suddenly, Hoshi isn't next to me anymore, but is in the grasp of the black man. He is lifted into the air by the throat, his legs dangle in the air helplessly.

I grit my teeth. Son of a bitch.

Seething, I manage to say it. "You will have my devoted loyalty to you if you do not harm Hoshi."

I hate this ghoul organization, the one that terrorizes not only human, but ghouls as well.

"Loyalty? I like the sound of it. But what will be your punishment if you are found to be disloyal to us?"

"I will teach them a lesson." The buff man grins at me, cracking his index finger.

"What will be your punishments be? Xandra?" My name rolls off the person's tongue in smooth velvety. It sends a shiver in my spine, I want to rub away the cold on my skin.

"End my life."

"Great choice. But no." The white man nods at the buff man. The buff man grins wider and cracks more fingers. Until he has no more fingers to crack, I think he will crack his toes as well. He walks towards me, I stare at him cautiously.

He leans in and whispers happily.

"I will tear your limbs apart and then destroy what's left in your puny heart."


	18. Intimidation: XVIII(unedited)

Intimidation: XVIII

My phone vibrates suddenly. My fingers are twtiching to pull it out, but I am currently scraping food from a human body. To further elaborate, I became a worker that prepares meat for the ghouls that is in a higher rank than us, that is, ghouls that don't have to do this lowly job. Ghouls that go out, hunt and kill.

Hoshi is doing his with a blank face. I purse my lips in worry, did the earlier events affect him that much? Or is it this place, this work that render him speechless?

We work in silence, the other ghouls are too afraid to speak. A man that supervises us whips his lash on the ground periodically to remind us that we will be whipped if we don't finish our job in time.

I want to kill and eat him.

More vibrations come until I am afraid the man will hear it. Then, it suddenly ended. I sigh in relief.

They provided us a knife each to cut the meat. I cut through the organs and wince in disgust as more unknown substance squirts out from it. They gave us some instructions to how to prepare the meat.

There shouldn't be skin.

The meat should be in an equal proportion.

Only organs like the liver, heart and lungs are preserved. Others are to be discarded.

I want to just chop everything into small bits and shove the mince meat in their face. Here is 'equal proportion' you ordered.

I want to check my phone desperately, I know it is Kaneki. Because who else?

One more human body, and I will be done for the day. I wonder when we will get to eat, looking at the lump of mucles in front of me is like seeing light when you are in the dark, but it keeps going out of your reach.

Moreover, I need to be as strong as possible. I have to get out of here and gather information, even if I have to do their dirty work.... And staying here cutting meat isn't going to get me anywhere. People here doesn't open their mouths, and even if they did, it would be for a scolding or a whimper in despair. I need to know more about the 'subject at the 20th ward'.

Chopping the meat into the sizes they want, I slice it like a professional after doing it for two days and eight hours each day.

Done. Finally. I would have rub away the beads of sweat in my forehead if not for my bloodied hands. No water. Not meat. Blood cakes in my finger nails. Looking at the one thing you want but can't have if not granted.

How long have the ghouls suffer like this? Ghouls fight and have their lives snuffed out like it was nothing. The leaders sees us as ants that is devoid of emotions. They think all ghouls love them huh? They think everyone idolizes their 'divine' ambition to conquer the world?

Well, that's not the case. They are disgusting psychos who likes power.

"Xan, your eye." Hoshi glances at me briefly before returning to his work.

I snap out of my thoughts, my grip almost breaking the wooden handle of the knife. I take a deep breath and relax.

Focus on getting information.

I pack the meat into the containers they gave us. Placing the last piece inside, I cover it.

That will be the last. For today.

I walk to Hoshi's working table. "Hoshi, give me some of yours." My muscles are tired, but I convince myself this can been seen as a training to increase my stamina and endurance.

"You have already done your fair share, I know you are tired. I will handle it." Hoshi cuts faster.

"Four hands are better than two. Besides, it is my responsibility to help you." I take the last body he has to prepare and chop it down with record speed.

I hum to myself. I am actually quite handy with weapons other than my kagune. Maybe I should keep this knife.

They wouldn't mind, would they? Normal weapons do not harm ghouls.

But what if... What if I follow the CCG's idea and make my own quinque...

I shake my head. It will require me to choose and kill a ghoul of quality, then make it. I don't have the knowledge and technology.

A normal knife is fine for now. Maybe I should just take one of their suitcases, when I have to chance... that is.

"Alright, leave now scumbags. You have finished your jobs." The man with a whip shouts at us and opens the door to yet again - confinement.

This is such a low life. The thing I treasured the most is stripped away from me. But a promise is a promise, my loyalty lies in Anteiku, not here.

We are in the cell again, the 'skeleton' ghoul is not here. What's left, are two ghouls that looks exactly like the girl. The life in their eyes are gone, they are just a breathing container that almost resemble humans.

I give them a pitious glance before going to our corner, where Hoshi and I huddle together in the cruel coldness when the sun is down.

Hoshi joins me in the corner, his head droping on my shoulder. I can feel my clothes become wet.

I shift our positions so I can soothe his back as he sobs silently.

"I am so tired. I want to go back."

"I know, me too. I am sorry." I whisper.

It was me who decided to take him away from the only place that is relatively safer in Japan.

"I hate this place. I miss Hinami, big sister Touka, and big brother Kaneki."

"Me too." I sigh. I miss them too. That reminds me. My phone.

I pull my phone out.

 **1 new message.**  
**1 missed call.**

I click for the missed call first.

**Unknown caller.**

Ignoring it, I click for the message.

**Hey Xandra, thanks for the warning. Please be careful as well. We all miss you and Hoshi.**

**Hinami moved in Touka's place, Touka is the usual hot head. A lot has happened after you left. Hinami escaped the night you left. During our search, we met the two doves. One of the them was killed. And everyone thought it was me who did it, but it wasn't me. And lately, there has been a French classy ghoul frequently paying visits to Anteiku. He is weird, but nice. He told me he likes Takatsuki Sen as well, what a coincidence.**

**I**  
**-Ken**

My hand clenches the back of Hoshi's shirt, I feel like my heart is going to burst. But I hate crying, and my tears never come.

_**In the middle of the spotlight, a red lump pumps consistently.** _

_**Expand. Contract. Recoil.** _

_**Expand. Contract. Recoil.** _

_**With every pump, the metal chains on it clinks. Suddenly, it pumps faster. The mad symphony gets louder until all I hear is silence. Looking at the lump, I want to help it get rid of its confinements. But all I can do is helplessly look at it as it moves like a struggling bird. The confinements are too strong. Even if it beats faster, the chains will just laugh and curl tighter around it. Until it can no longer pump.** _

I shake out of my vision. It's still pumping consistently.

I miss them a lot. And I have missed out a lot of things that has happened in 20th ward. My original reason of coming here is gone, the investigators didn't fall for it. But at least all of them are safe.

I chuckle coldly at my stupidity, they didn't fall for it. What's the point of me being here? Dragging Hoshi into this mess of a hellhole and suffer together? I am so stupid. I hope Hoshi will forgive me. Said boy has fallen asleep on my shoulder, I continue soothing his back. Partly because it reassures me he is still with me, and I am not alone.

I have a different goal now.

I reread the message, hardening my will. I click the delete button. But before I choose 'proceed', I notice the isolated 'I' at the end of his message. Did Kaneki want to type something, but was interrupted and decided to send the message instead? Or was it just the finger's fault for typing an extra letter?

I click the 'proceed' button.

**I am glad for Hinami. And please don't fall into the gourmet's mouth, Kaneki. -Xan**

I hope he understands my warning.

I wish I can type longer messages. I sound so cold and heartless.

I wish I can take Hoshi back to Anteiku. To somewhere that has become my home within an unbelievably short period of time.

I slip my phone back into my pocket, my head leans back and rest on the wall behind me.

Perhaps, this is for the best now.


	19. Intimidation: XIX(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:  
> Just a warning here. There is torture at the second half of the chapter. And next chappie will be torture and depression. Read at your own risk.
> 
> Kudos. Comments. Subscriptions. ^.^

Intimidation: XIX

They throw the ridiculously little lump of meat into our cell at our direction. I retrieve it before the skinny ghouls can take it. It's not like I don't pity them, and I know it sounds very immoral to say it, but I value my own life and Hoshi's more than their's.

We are all selfish in one way or another.

I do feel sorry for them, for some unknown torturous events they have gone through that scarred them so deeply. They might just be beyond repair.

The meat they toss in is as big as my palm.

I tear it equally, half for me and half for Hoshi. When he has the meat in his hands, he stares at it as if it is the most incredible thing.

"Don't stare, eat it." I remind him as I take a bite in my share.

This is not enough, but it will have to do. If Hoshi is not here in the cell with me, I might even consider eating the skinny ghouls. But I shouldn't expose him to canibalism, should I?

"It seems Ayato and Yamori will be going to the 20th ward to retrieve the test subject." The guard resumes his chat with his fellow ghoul as they toss the meat into cells next to us.

_And everyone thought it was me who did it, but it wasn't me._

20th ward. Test subject. Rumored murderer of a high class dove.

Realization dawn on me.

Kaneki Ken. Why haven't I notice this earlier?

I quickly gulp down my meal and pull my phone out.

**Kaneki, someone in the Aogiri Tree|**

"Hey! What are you doing! What is that!"

I jump and my phone fell from my grasp.

Shit. Shit. Fuck my life. I am hopeless.

Metals keys clink against the door as it is pushed open. I stomp on my phone, it cracks and become pieces.

"Wh-what? It was just something I pick up randomly-" I stutter. I feel like I am caught by a teacher red-handed for using my phone in class. And the punishments are worse than just a detention.

"Then why did you destroy it? You have been suspicious since the day you come here. Sneaky bitch. Don't think we didn't notice." He pulls my collar so I am lifted slightly, the tip of my toes can still touch the ground.

"Hey! Put her down!" Hoshi stands up but is pushed onto the ground. He winces in pain.

"Shut up! Do you want to be punished as well?" He spits on Hoshi, then he grins at me from behind his mask which covers his upper part of the face. "If Yamori knows this, he is going to have so much fun for this." The guard cackles. What the fuck?

Hoshi has tears in his eyes, I shake my head at him. Praying that he will get through this on his own now.

I can't fight this guard, because more will come. And more means the whole Aogiri Tree. Moreover, they will kill Hoshi as well.

Accepting my fate, I follow the guard obediently. Mentally cursing myself, since when have I become so weak? So easily bend down and submit to fate?

There aren't even tears.

The guard brings me to the hall. The girl with bandages, known as Eto is absent, as well as Tatara and Noro. Only the Bin brothers and Yamori are present.

The guard does some kind of bow and starts to report with a disgustingly excited voice.

"This ghoul has done something against our organization. That is treason. She was using her phone, I believe it is to contact someone outside the Aogiri Tree." He reports. As he speaks, Yamori's grin becomes wider and wider.

"Little girl, what have you done?" He walks towards me, I hold my ground.

"When you say you will be devoted to this organization, we all know you are lying. And oh how I want to punish you for lying." He cracks his finger.

"We will have so much fun, Xandra."

His follower, Naki pulls me along with them and giggles.

I pray that I survive this.

***Warning: Torture. If you can't stand it, stop reading from here.***

The metal chains on my bracelet clank against the ones that bounded me. I feel so tired. I want to sleep. I want to save Kaneki. But I am of no use now.

Yamori enters his torture room. The floor are in checker boxes, the walls provides a red gleam and curves up into a dome. The place is so huge, but every part of the floor is stained with dried crimson blood.

How many people have been tortured here exactly? Will I only be a number in a mast of people he has ruined?

Pathetic.

"Now now. This is going to be so fun. Let me tell you how to do it. I am an impatient man, so don't make me wait. Because your suffering is my pleasure."

He lifts his hand, a syringe gleams offensively in his hand. It's full of some slightly yellowish liquid. As he approaches me, he pushes me into my chair.

My heart is leaping. The chair is tilted backwards, the needle becomes closer and closer to my left eye. I want to close my eyes, but he forces his fingers on my eyelids. As I watch the needles coming nearer and nearer, he says, "this is for supressing your RC cells. Humans are quite clever, aren't they?"

Then it is inserted into my eyeball.

"Because the only part in a ghouls body that allow non-kagune to enter is the eyeball, I am going to insert it here regularly. It's going to be so fun hearing you scream, don't you think?" He smirks.

It feels like acid burning in my eye, contaminating the vitreous humor and make my retina corrode.

"You will not have the pleasure of hearing me scream." I spit at his face, the spit slides down slowly on his mask.

I can feel his wrath boiling inside of him. Then he laughs madly.

"YOU WILL SCREAM. I WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM. I WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM. BITCH."

I wince at the volume of his voice, but I feel weak. It must be the effects of the RC suppressant. He puts a bit in my mouth so I can't speak.

"Let it begin."

He picks a knife off a cart filled with tools.

He hold it in front of me, then I notice the slight cracks in the handle.

"This the knife you have stolen, do you remember it?" The glint of the knife blinds my eye.

"I am going to skin you and then cut off your meat like how you did with the food." My eyes widen. "I will start with the face."

The moment he starts to slice, pain emitted throughtout my body and spreads like wild fire. I bite the bit harder. It is blinding, even if I open my eyes, I wouldn't be able to see anything. It's so cold without the layer of skin, and so wet. My blood drips down from my exposed cheeks muscles to my shirt.

The icyness of the blade creates agonizing friction against my flesh. Slowly, oh so slowly, my face is peeled like apple skin.

"Whoops, I went too deep." He chuckles. The blade graze the gums of my teeth, they are exposed, tears fall from my eyes. I breathe heavily through my nose, I will not scream. Drool drips from the corner of my mouth.

Contract. Relax. Breath in. Breath out.

"What's one thousand minus seven?" He asks.

I can't say anything because of the bit, though I wouldn't reply him even if I don't have that in my mouth.

"What's one thousand minus seven?"

He starts on another cheek.

"What's one thousand minus seven?"

When I give no response, he screams in my ears.

"I ASKED, WHAT'S ONE THOUSAND MINUS SEVEN?"

I shruggle in the chains, making them clink.

"Oh right, I put the bit in your mouth because you are annoying. I have told you before I am an impatient man, since you still haven't answered my question. Heavier punishment is required."

He pulls back and walk to his table of tools.  Humming to himself, his hand flitter over the tools indecisively.

"Ah. This one. I have never like you eyes anyway."

Then he spoons my eyes out.


	20. Intimidation: XX(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author Notes:  
> Hi. It's very gloomy in this chapter. I like writing gloomy chapters because I am insane. 
> 
> Just a warning. The majority of this chapter is Xandra's torture and depression. If you can't stand it, please don't read. Read it at your own risk.
> 
> If you did read it, did it bring you to tears or at least shatter your heart a little for Xandra?
> 
> Thanks for reading anyway. Happy... er.. sad reading this chapter! Kudos/comments/subscriptions are most welcomed.

Intimidation: XX  
***Warning: Torture and Depression***

The 'hooby room' is silent, but my ears ring with sounds. It repeats and repeats like the tick of a clock. Annoying. Irritating. Painful.

A crack.

Then another crack.

Then another crack.

Then another crack.

Endless cracks. As he pushes his index finger, and then other fingers. And the crack of my bones, from my toes to my nose.

Then the snaps. As the tool snaps off my fingers and toes, the snap when my tendons tear apart.

I imagine hearing a squish when my eyeballs fall out, but surprisingly, there aren't any sounds as if my ears are covered.

Darkness. Blackness. Shades of the ghosts haunts me. But I can't even see light, how will there be shadows? Where is my shadow?

Peel it off. Peel it all off. Because it will regenerate, slowly and very slowly, I become what I looked like as if I was unharmed. But my mind is already in shreds.

I live in my own world, where pain comes one way. It wriggles into my senses, pulls me away from tranquility, brings me back to the the dome of crimson red, black and white illusions.

"Ah. Kaneki has just arrived, I know that he will make a good 'toy'. I wonder how his screams are like, it must be melodic. Like music to my ears." Yamori hits my head with his tool, the one he used to snap my toes and fingers off. The side of my forehead bleeds. But it feels like I am showering, I bath in my own blood. Then I will regenerate, heal my wounds regardless of my desire to die.

By now, the pain is nothing. I am numb. I wonder if my sensory neurones have already been destroyed, or have they leveled up? Will they be stimulated only when heavier pain is inflicted?

My head lolls to the left, from the impact, I close my eyes. Let it come. It will be like heaven if he continues, it will only be a tickle.

"Useless piece of shit." He hits my head again, until my blood drips down either side of my eyebrows.

Kaneki... I told you to be careful. Why didn't you listen?

A tear slips down my cheek. Why didn't you listen? Why did you get caught by the Aogiri Tree? Why didn't you run when you have a chance?

_Then you must be seeing more than I do, right?_

Touka, please tell me you try your best to protect him too. Because we both know he is the weakest among the three of us.

_And Xandra... Good luck and take care._

I didn't take care. I fucked up, you know?

Hoshi, are you alive? Are you still out there? Praying that I am alive too? Or have you left me and take your step into heaven already?

_It's okay. I will follow you, we will live together. Even if we have to live out there._

_Aw don't. Just because I am starting to win you in every fighting session doesn't mean I will stop loving you._

_I am tired. I want to go back._

_I hate this place. I miss Hinami, big sister Touka, and big brother Kaneki._

Please don't hate me as well.

Yuki. I have nothing but apologies for you, for not being a better friend. For not being there when I should. For not being able to protect you.

_When I first saw you, I think there is something in you that is trying to get out desparately._

_Maybe this is what that is trying so desparately to get out._

You still haven't told me what is trying to get out.

I guess I will never know.

Hide. Are you worried for Kaneki? He is caught, and his path is guaranteed to be nothing but agony.

_It's okay, at least he's alive._

Sometimes, it better to die than to live. That's what the expression 'living hell' is for.

The beauty in death. I can finally see it.

For someone who have never been beautiful for her whole life, I have never seen death suit me so well. Like the perfect piece of clothing for the biggest event of your life.

"What are you thinking in that little brain of yours?"

He holds my head, I can feel his disgusting breath fanning on my face. The gold on his fingers is digging into my skin, but I feel numb.

"You are just a piece of ruined trash. You are no fun. I am going to get Kaneki in here instead." He chuckles.

I open my eyes, staring at him hollowly. That must be how the skinny ghouls feel like. Hollow. Numb.

During all these times, I pick up the shards that have fallen down from the picture above. My picture, the one that portrayed me, the happy memories that I once have. They have been destroyed, I pick up the remains of what I once held dear. Then, I form a coccoon around them, to prevent them from being touched again. Never. No one. Not even myself. For I fear I will lost what I still have, what I have salvaged from the foot of the meanies. The small shards become sand and was blown away, but the larger ones remained.

They become the invisible lifeline.

He tosses me back into my cell. It is bare. Where's Hoshi?

Where's everyone?

"Xandra?" I look up when someone calls my name. It has been the first time I have heard my name for a long time. How long have I stayed in the 'hobby room'?

His grey orbs settle on my face, I look at him dully. My voice is stuck in my throat, I have so much to tell him. So much that he will be frightened. I want to spare him no details, and leave him afraid.

He is pushed into my cell by the guard.

I turn my head away, looking at the wall and hugging my legs nearer to my chest. I have no scars on my skin, but I must have become a skeleton looking ghoul too.

I am disgusting. I hope he doesn't see me.

"What happened to you? Your eyes, they are... different." He inspects me from a distance. I stare at him boredly.

What happened to me? Shit, that is.

He is afraid to touch me. I don't know if he is disgusted or just afraid that I might shatter from one touch.

"Don't... defy... the Aogiri... Yamori..." I manage, I didn't have water for a month. That's the consequence, I can barely speak without rasping and coughing.

Kaneki shuffles closer to me. _**The shadows all close in on me.** _ I hug myself tighter. _**They are going to kill me. Their shadows are overwhelming.** _ Seeing my gesture, Kaneki become hesistant.

Cautiously, Kaneki puts his hand on my shoulder. I didn't flinch, then he proceeds to cup my face so I am forced to face him.

I breathe evenly. My gaze is narrowed as I stubbornly stare at the wall.

"We have been so worried for you. We lost contact with you for the month, and now I am here to find you like this." He starts to cry, the eye patch becoming wet.

"I... am... fine..." My fingers and toes are working, I can see as clearly as a hawk, my heart is beating, I am breathing, my stomach is churning.

"No, you are not! I wish I could have been there for you! Why do you have to bear everything on your own?" He shouts at me, while sobbing and crying at the same time.

He knows nothing about it, yet he wishes to be there when I am tortured? His ignorance angers me.

I glare at him. "Do not speak so lightly of 'being there' for me! You don't understand it, and when you have gone through it, you wish for nothing but death. Do not make promises you can't keep." I cough, feeling blood coming up. It leaves a metallic taste at the back of my throat. He gapes at my sudden outburst.

I look away. He disappoints me.

"I am sorry." He sits next to me, imitating my posture. He is still sobbing slightly.

Silence merges with gloominess. I can still hear the cursed reminders of what I have been through, if he doesn't say anything, I am going to become insane. Oh wait. Maybe I am already insane.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask without looking at him, I can feel his heat seeping into my icy bones.

"The manager and my doctor who took charge in my implant." He mutters.

"What about it?" I notice the patch of red on his abdomen. Reaching out, I touch the torn fabric on his stomach. The blood is still wet. He looks at my hand, "someone impaled you. Who?"

"The leader called Tatara." He leans his head on his knees. He did build some muscles during these two months, I can see the emergence of abs coming.

"They said since I am not Rize, I have no use. And tossed me here. I guess that's luck, because if I have been of 'use', I wouldn't been able to reunite with you." He chuckles without humor, but looks like he is really glad.

"There is no 'luck' in here. It's either power or suffering. One wrong step, and you will be in a living hell."

"Kaneki!- Xan-Xandra?!" A shocked male stands outside our cell.

I try to smile at him, but it might have looks like a grimace or a snarl.

"You survived? I mean, you survived! And your right eye! It's normal!" His eyes started to wet.

"Isn't that such a wonderful thing?" Sarcasm laces in my voice. Why do people keep telling my eyes are normal. Of course they are normal because I regenerate.

"Wh-what do you mean?" Both of them are taken aback.

I chuckle darkly. They must be thinking I have gone out of my mind, which I think I do too.

Banjou enters our cell and sits down in front of both of us. Kaneki looks very upset at what I have said. I couldn't care less.

"Kaneki and Xandra, I think we should run away from this Aogiri hideout."

I snap my head at him, staring at him. He can't possibly think he will succeed.

"Huh?" That is all Kaneki replied.


	21. Intimidation: XXI(unedited)

Intimidation: XXI

Banjou invited himself to sit in my cell, with an arm in bandage. I narrow my eyes, he is hurt by the Aogiri ghouls and yet he still thinks it's possible to escape here. Just how dumb is he?

"Run away...? But there are tons of guards outside." Kaneki asks hesitantly.

Banjou shuffles his feet. "I know. But I believe this isn't a place Xandra and the others should be staying. And... Even if I suddenly tell you everything... you really wouldn't understand it. But I am not just telling you two to trust me. Honestly, I can't bear to drag any more uninvolved people into all this." He averts his gaze.

Kaneki stands there, contemplating. I remain in my position since I came in here.

"I think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself here." I push against the ground, and stumbles to them. Kaneki catches me before I fall. I mutter my thanks before continuing, in which Kaneki returns with a small 'you're welcome'.

"Firstly, it is highly impossible to escape here once you have entered. Believe me, I want to get out of here as much as you two do. But there are eyes everywhere, and as Kaneki has said, there are tons of guard outside. If we were to sneak outside, we will definitely be caught. I don't know how well you fight, Banjou, but with your arm like that," I nod to his bandaged limb, he flinched in shame, "we will all be doomed. I am very weak. And I know you are someone who doesn't abandon others, you just have that stupid vibe on you that screams it. I will only be a burden. Actually, everyone who can't fight well here is a burden."

"That's harsh-" Kaneki frowns at me. I put up a hand, and limp away from him, supporting myself on the wall instead.

"Secondly, you don't drag uninvolved people into this, Banjou. Don't blame yourself. The only people you have dragged into this are those three idiots who follows you everywhere." I smile slightly, they are really loyal friends. "It is Aogiri Tree that drags people into this mess."

"I don't even know if I should be offended or touched that you said those things to me." Banjou wipes a tear at the corner of his eye.

"Think about my first point. In life, it is not only having a goal or a plan, the possibility of carrying out the plan is also a major component." I slump onto the floor. My legs can't carry me anymore.

"Xandra!" They both shouted in horror.

"Shut up! You guys are so loud. I am just tired." I groan when their voices sting my ears. I feel nauseous, but I know I should eat. Where do I find meat? My eyes find the two men before me.

"Uh... uh... Xandra?" Kaneki waves his hands in front of me as I look at him hungrily.

**_Eat._ **

**_Meat._ **

**_Eat Kaneki. He should taste nice right? A mix of ghoul and human. Rare and exotic. The delicate balance of fat and meat..._ **

In the midst of all the muttering voices in my head. I manage to tell them, "slap me."

"Wh-what?" Kaneki starts to stutter.

They are so stupid, they wouldn't help. I bite my own hand, so hard until I tear my own flesh out.

"You are hurting yourself!" Kaneki tries to pull my hand away from my mouth with the help of Banjou.

I swallow.

When I regain my self control, I release my hand. The wound heals almost immediately. I stare at it, I haven't consume the right amount of food for two months, yet it heals immediately before my eye. The speed is frighteningly fast.

When I return my attention in them, they are gaping.

"Did... you just... eat yourself?" Kaneki asks weakly.

Why are they so surprised?

"Do you want me to eat you then?"

"No!" Banjou jumps away, while Kaneki moves closer.

"If it means that you can survive, I think I can withstand the pain." Kaneki undoes his three buttons, and slip his shirt down slightly, exposing his right shoulder.

Banjou has a shocked expression on him as he watches the scenes unfold.

I swear to myself I won't eat him. And here he is offering it to me. Kaneki closes his eyes, waiting for the pain to come.

I wonder how he tastes like. Ghouls tastes bitter, but humans have a mild sweetness mixed with salinity. What would the combination taste like? It is definitely not something I have tasted before. Naturally, half ghouls are as rare as they can get. I doubt if I need more than ten fingers to count the number these ghouls in the world.

The mere thought of me eating Kaneki disgusts me.

I crawl nearer to him until he is right in front of me. When he senses my presence, he tightens. Gently pulling his shirt back up, I button up his shirt.

Slowly, he opens his eyes again. Relief mix with disappointment reflects in his eyes.

"I have sworn to myself that I won't hurt you in anyway."

I wonder if I can survive by eating myself.

"Well, putting that aside, what is going to happen next?" I ask Banjou as Kaneki stands up again.

"I... will take you guys to meet the others. And there are some things I want to ask Kaneki privately." At the mention of his name, Kaneki pauses slightly from helping me up.

"Oh."

Banjou leads us out of the cell and into the dry stone corridor. Kaneki offered to help me walk, but I declined. Banjou needs to talk to him privately, and I will give them as much privacy as I can.

I stay a bit farther away from them as we walk down the corridor, my hands slide across the uneven minerals that will probably cut my hands if I lean too much of my weight on the wall.

I still hear the conversation nevertheless.

"Was Rize really killed?"

After a moment of thoughts and hesistance, Kaneki turns his head and stare at his right.

"I don't know whether or not she is killed... But I think that she is definitely in another world. I am sorry for not telling you back then." The larger man looks defeated, his strides are less confident, and his steps are dragging.

"It's okay." He pauses, and we follow suit. "You were being considerate when we talked in the shop. As I thought, you are a good guy." They continue again and stop in front of a room. I approach them silently, which the 'good guy' jumps when I appear soundlessly behind him.

There are eight people in the room. A child and a mother, Banjou's three followers, and two men.

"Everyone, this is Kaneki and-" pulling me gently from behind Kaneki's back, I am placed in front of everyone's sight. "Xandra."

"H-hello..." Kaneki stares at them nervously. Everyone waited for me to greet them, but I just look away stubbornly. In which the awkward silence is broken when the follower number one starts by directing to Kaneki, "we met in the shop."

"You got captured too."

"Sorry about that, we can't go against the higher ups that were there..."

Everyone starts to talk about one-eyed ghouls, and how they have never seen one. And how glad they have one with them now. They talk about things that I have already known about the Aogiri Tree.

I sit far away from everyone. I don't want to be so close to them, I want to be alone. I want to sleep without waking up feeling that all my toes and fingers were gone. I am so tired. But I have to live to find out if Hoshi is still living, I have to find out if everyone in Anteiku, apart from Kaneki, is okay. I need to see Yuki still living her life and not being affected by the world she is not suppose to step foot in.

And more importantly, I need to see Kaneki get out of here alive, if Banjou were to carry out his plans.

I was wrong in the beginning. Seeing how Kaneki has changed from a shy book worm into a hybrid with his innocence stripped off from him. Maybe, he has been the protagonist all along. And I am only a character that will die without anyone remembering. Even if they remember, they will only be sad for a while. The author of my life has been kind to me for keeping me alive for so long.

Seeing that Kaneki has actually warmed up to them pretty quickly, I sigh and hug myself tighter.


	22. Intimidation: XXII(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:
> 
> Instead of just stating what was happening in the manga, I give some time for Kaneki and Xandra to talk. It's better this way, isn't it? I am sorry for boring you with what is stated in the manga already.
> 
> *hands together. 1.2.3. Bow.* Sorry!
> 
> Enjoy reading this chapter. Kudos. Subscribe. Comments.

Intimidation: XXII

_**I should have known. I should have tried harder to prevent them from doing it. Their heads fall the same way Mrs. Yueguchi's did, they bounce and roll on the floor until coming to a halt.** _

_**However, it is not the doves. It is the same species who wanted to devour and dominate the humans, that brought their own downfall. Not because humans are strong and undefeatable, but because ghouls fight amongst each other.** _

_**The blue kagunes glows in the dark. One after the other, they sprint at me.** _  
_**Swish. And my legs are chopped off.** _  
_**Swosh. And my arms are detached.** _  
_**Thud. And there goes my head.** _

_**It rolls, and I see the world spinning. Until mine also came to a halt, face to face with the head which carries the eyeballs with grey irises, the hair that was black but splattered with drying blood, the delicate nose that was broken by a punch and will no longer heal, the soft lips that would smile a shy one.** _

I wake up and sit up, feeling the blood rushing from my head, rendering me momentarily sightless. The white stars blinded my eyes, instead of spinning, the world tilts. I lean my head on the wall, trying to catch the breath that I seems to keep losing.

I chose a relatively secluded area of the room for myself, where they cannot see me, not even Kaneki. I know I might make some noises when I thrash around during my sleep, and that's why I stay away, but near enough for them to find me and vice versa. I look around, the room is empty.

Immediately, I jump up and leave my territory. A pang of pain struck my head, I groan and hit my head on the wall when I fall.

One blink, the room is empty.  
Second blink, they are there.  
Another blink, they are still there.

Why would I not see the gang in my first blink, I don't know. The kid sleeps in his mother's embrace. And men sleeps nearer to the exit of the room. Kaneki's back is facing me.

Moonlight shines down the hole on the wall, summoning heavy shadows that seems to be waiting for the right moment to strike and kill me. To fill my mind with darkness, and make me rewind the torture in my mind again and again.

The light does nothing on the sight before me, it doesn't look more mysterious or beautiful. But it calms me. Walking towards Kaneki's sleeping form, I crouch down and examine him. He is sleeping on his arm, slightly curled up. He seems fragile, but I know he has been training hard and is becoming stronger.

My heart beats painfully, I want to touch him, just so I know he is real. But I am scared that he will wake up as well, turn and stare at me with judging eyes, the weird damaged girl who can never be the same again.

My hand reaching out, I touch his hair. It could have been silky before, but after days of staying here, it becomes a little bit sticky. Pushing his hair away, his cheek reveals. I become hesitant, if I touch his cheek, he will surely wake. But it's so smooth, as if my palm will slide down and will never be able to cup it.

I am so damaged, I don't deserve to hold it anyway. Moreover, we are just friends, not even best friends.

My fingers move on their own accord. It's as smooth as a baby's butt.

I laugh internally at my description.

He shifts slightly, turning so he sleeps on his back. I stumble back, heart running erratically. I thought he has woken up for a second there.

Slowly, his eyes open. Blinking slowly, he frowns.

I did wake him up. Damn, I push myself up. He turns his head, first time noticing me.

"Xandra? Are you alright?" His voice cracks at my name. I turn away from him, I hear shuffling as he sits up.

"I am alright. Sorry for waking you up."

"It's okay, you didn't wake me up. It wasn't a pleasant dream anyway. I am glad I am out of it." Stopping, I go back. He pats the floor next to him, I sit and hug my knees.

"What did you dreamt about?" Both of us star at the hole on the wall, then I turn my gaze to the floor. After some time, he says,

"About... someone's death."

"I see." I mutter as I draw invisible circles on the floor.

"What about you? Why are you awake?" He micmick my posture.

"Same reason as yours, I dreamt about deaths."

"Deaths?"

"Kaneki." I turn to him, putting my hands on the floor. I stare at his eyes to let him know I am being very serious about this.

"Yeah?" He is calm, unlike the Kaneki I have seen during day time. He isn't a stuttering mess, he isn't chuckling nervously, he isn't scratching his cheek.

"I swear, I will protect you and make sure you get out of here alive. Even if it costs my life."

Wind blows slightly from the only hole, snores from the men fill the momentary silence.

"And me too." He eyes flash with determination.

"No, you will not. You must get out of here even though if Banjou's plan seems impossible to achieve, it is the only and best plan for now. I am already ruined, it doesn't matter if I die."

"It matters!" After realizing he almost shouted and wake everyone in the room, he lowers his voice again.

"You matter. I don't know or understand what exactly you have gone through, but you are Xandra. You are my friend, and you matter. I know I am weak. And heck if they can put you into this state, I know I am not going to last long." He shakes me by my shoulders, "even if you are ruined, even if you are damaged, even if you are dying, you would still matter. I will feel sad, I will cry for you. All because I- because you matter to me, okay?"

I smile slightly, glad that someone is willing to pick me up when I already threw away myself. "That's one heck of a confession." I joke.

"It's the truth." He releases my shoulders. With the steady weight of his hands gone, I feel like I am floating and he is the only thing that keeps me from floating away and getting lost.

"That's what I am afraid the most."

"Why?" Genuine confusion causes Kaneki to crease his forehead.

It is because if he says that, then I can't die. I can't escape this mortal pain because I know he will be sad and I don't want that. My whole purpose for living would be based on his emotions.

It is terrifying.

"Because then how my life turns out will depend on your... choices."

"Then live for me, and others as well."

_Live for me._

The night is still raging on. Even if there aren't any sounds, there are fights and wars going on out there, don't let the facade of the dark trick you. But knowing this fact, we still sleep, we still go on.

"Whose death did you dream of?"

"Everyone in this room. And my own." I say it as if it doesn't affect me. Even if I know it was just a dream, I can't help but panic.

"I saw my mom."

My eyelids start to drop. "Oh."

"She told me she has to bear all the pain in the world."

"That's stupid." You can't bear all of it, even if you wanted to. Some people just wanted to be in pain on their own.

"Then she shows me a vision, I saw you..." I fall to a side and let sleep consume me. What Kaneki has said hangs in the hair, with no one but only he himself know.

After some time, I feel someone brush away my hair. But I didn't open my eyes.


	23. Intimidation: XXIII(unedited)

Intimidation: XXIII

Today is the twelth day of the so called cycle that Banjou has counted.

_"Noro and Ayato goes out every five days. Yamori goes out every three days to the town, and it's not like he can come back within one day. As for the Bin brothers, they never leave." Banjou explained. "The success rate will be higher if more people joined, so I hope you and her can help us."_

_The day after that night was the seventh day of the cycle. It was as if nothing happened, as if I haven't talked to Kaneki._

_Everyone listened intently to Banjou, I sat at a corner far away from the sweaty bodies. As long as I hear the plan, it will be alright. Then, Kaneki started to doubt himself. The group managed to convince him that he would do alright, they could survive._

_I lowered my head as the child looked at me curiously, it attracted his mother's attention. She turned his head back to the conversation and give me a distrustful glare. When the group noticed her staring at me, they proceeded to do the same. The scruntinizing stares were so threatening, I hugged myself tighter and averted my gaze._

_Banjou stood up and walked to my corner. He placed his large hands on my shoulder, "please join us, Xandra."_

Hiding behind a wall, Banjou glimpses out. The Bin brothers are talking on a roof, "it is almost time for the younger of the Bin brothers to take a break."

"Let's go!" At the signal, all of us sprint towards the forest. I am the last of them, not because I am weaker. In fact, when the Aogiri ghouls have only given us bones pieces, I found another way for nutrition.

I don't know why it worked, but it did. It filled my stomach, gave me power as if I have eaten two humans in a row. It didn't involve harming anyone else, so there's that.

The man next to Kaneki starts to get chatty, and everyone in the group starts to talk.

"Kaneki, do you know what I am thinking now?" He continues without waiting for a reply, "'something is happening' is what I am thinking. To think that an one-eyed ghoul is on our side, we are blessed."

"You knocked out Banjou with just one hit, right?"

"That was an accident...."

"Well, his opponent was Banjou.."

"Hey! What do you mean?!"

The atmosphere is too cheery, they are going to become careless. I ignore their comments and scan the surroundings, closing my eyes, I listen intently.

Their footsteps are so loud, I can't hear anything else. Suddenly, everyone stop in their tracks.

Seeing an old man that looked as if his nose is sliced off, he screams.

Fuck.

The three followers slice his head off.

"Why is there an Aogiri guy so far off?" One of the follower wonders.

"If my guess is correct, this old man acts like a siren." I say as I move to the front and kick the man's head, it flies away and hit a tree. Leaves rustle and fall off.

"We need to keep moving." Banjou starts to run again and everyone follows suit, and I stand for a while so I can remain at the back. Hearing a tap as someone lands on the concrete, I turn around.

"Fuck! He is coming this way." Another man shouts. At that moment I want to slice his head off just like how Banjou's followers did. Can they not shout out everything?

As our pursuer becomes closer and closer, the mother in front of me slips. I almost crash into her. He leaps into the air, kagune all ready to slice us into pieces.

Her son steps in front of the mother, "no!"

Before he can strike, I leap and push him off the course. Both of us land on our feet quietly.

"Hello little Bin." I say sweetly.

"Traitor." He utters as we clash again.

"Run!" Banjou shouts, and they leave me behind. I didn't mind, because I will crush this joke of an obstacle and catch up with them.

"Where's your brother?" He tries a swipe, I jump. Not even using my kagune yet.

"Behind you." I hear a grin in his voice and something pierced my stomach. Blood seeps out from my wound.

"Am I suppose to say 'ouch'?" It is my turn to grin at him, I sprint towards the Bin in front of me, pulling with me the one behind me.

The kagune immediately pulls out of me, I swing my leg and hit his head. Then cartwheeling away to prevent another pierce of the stomach as the it landed on his own brother instead.

I guess the younger one pulled back at the last minute as they both recover quickly, though the older one continues to bleed.

However, my wound has already healed. They start sprinting again and do their signature pair attacks. Summoning my kagune, I block all their attempts to attack me.

"Huh? You are one-eyed?" One of them stops. Slightly surprised by the younger's comment, I reacted a second late. The older one leaps up, preparing to strike.

"Xandra!" Someone comes in front of me, and is impaled in my place. Older Bin spins and Banjou flies into a nearby tree.

"Banjou?" He tries to stand, but falls back down. His three followers run towards him and haul him up.

"Naoko!" I grit out his name, said brother turns his head to me in surprise.

I remembered their names. Naoko for the older brother, and Nobu for the younger brother. _We were once people that walked the same path. The human finds humor on forcing us do things we don't want to do. They always huddle together, if it weren't for the scar on the Naoko's face, I wouldn't be able to distinguish them._

 _Their tails looked like a fox's with blue demon fire litting up the room._ But now their tails certainly lost the quality that once attracted me, they become flat with a ring in the middle.

They don't matter to me now. I crack a finger, I can feel every nerve on my violet wings.

They sprint at me again, I lower myself and do the same. They won't even feel the pain when I slice their body into spaghetti.

Instead of striking me, both of them leap over me. Before I can even turn around, I hear a bang as the RC muscles collide.

Damn bastards. Aiming to take down the weaker ones in our group, isn't it? I click my tongue in annoyance.

Kaneki shields himself and Banjou with his blood red tenacles.

"Let's escape together, Xandra." Kaneki avoids the younger Bin's horizontal slice. With his fighting stance, he seems to have forgotten about the other brother. As Kaneki lifts a pole and hit the younger like a baseball, he pins him down.

I smile, he did improve a lot.

"Surrender." Rize's kagune gleam dangerously above Kaneki's head.

The younger holds his tongue out.

Where has the other bastard gone? I grit my teeth and look around.

Without any warning, Kaneki rolls out of the way just before the older strikes him.

Kaneki becomes hesistant. I flick some shards between the Bin and Kaneki, the Bin halt their advances.

I hear some rustles behind me. I sniff. A smell that I will never forget for my whole life.

Yamori. I growl. The odds are not in our favor today, the plan is a total failure.

I leap next to Kaneki and face the intruder.

"Looks like a tough fight. Shall I lend a hand? Oh? The broken doll is here as well." He smiles brutally at me.

Yamori pulls two body as if they are just sacks, while the other hand lifts two heads by the hair. Behind him is the disgusting gay clown, Nico. His bitch, huh? I guess ghouls like Yamori would bend this way. Must be his favourite pass time, other than torturing.

I want to kill him. My nails dig into my palm until blood comes out.

"Moku.. Tetsu..!" Banjou gapes. Something protude out of Tetsu's eyeballs.

So, that's their names. It's a pity I only know their names after they died.

"I heard from Nico. 'Anti-Aogiri'?" Yamori laughs.

"Sorry, I have hellishly good ears." Nico smiles obscenely and wink at Kaneki.

"You shouldn't underestimate us so much, just as this little girl did. She has learnt her lesson, hasn't she?" He flicks his head at me, and I growl.

"Apparently not. It's okay, the more the merrier."

"Banjou, I am... sorry... we were... ambushed." The man that is pulled like a sack chokes out. His blood runs down his nose like a waterfall.

"I trust that you know what happens next, Xandra?" Yamori grins at me.

Calming down and grinning, I say it as venomously as possible. "I will kill you."

"Tsk tsk tsk. Wrong answer. The punishment of breaking Aogiri's rules is 'death'. I honestly don't care if you die or escape." Lier.

"What are you saying, Yamori?" Younger Bin asks in shock, half of his mask is destroyed.

"I am only interested in this one thing. I have always wanted an excellent underling." Yamori explains. "You see, neither Ayato nor Tatara notices your true value. Do you know how frustrated I was when you were given to Ayato, the one who holds part of Rize?"

Yamori is trying to bait Kaneki. I see.

"Kaneki, if you-"

"Don't trust him, Kaneki." I turn to him, but Kaneki seems to be dominated by fear. He cannot hear me. Suddenly, Nico stabs me with his Rinkaku. I hold my wound and spit out blood as he retracts, whispering a "sorry".

"Let me start over again, as I was rudely interrupted. Kaneki, if you become my subcoordinate. I will overlook the remaining people, the ones that are still alive."

"Don't." I croak. Why isn't my wound healing?

"That's... That's a lie!"

That's right, it's a lie. Don't trust Yamori to keep his promise.

"You think I will tell such a boring lie? Or do you want to watch this woman die?" Yamori squishes the mother's head.

"Yamori!" Said man turns slowly to the older Bin. "We haven't said a word and listened to you. What the hell do you think you are saying? I haven't been able to stand your attitude since a long time ago, I am doubting your loyalty towards Aogiri. Are you even trying to 'change the world' just as our 'king' has aimed to do?"

"Shut up. If I think it will be fun, then I will do it. Nothing more, nothing less." Yamori cracks his finger, it echos in my head. Suddenly, my legs become weak and I fall onto the ground. I heave.

_**The buckets of toes and fingers, the table of tools that were never cleaned, stained checker tiles that creates illusions. The dark swirl at the peak of the dome seems to descend slowly. Ever so slowly. And engulf me into it's cold stomach.** _

_**And the man, that wears a suit and a mask that strides excitedly towards me. No matter how well he tries to hide his true self, his hunger will be always there. The psychopath's call...** _

"Bin... do you think you can really kill me? Shall I send you ahead?" Yamori licks his lips, his two rinkaku looks like red icy spears.

"Ohohoho. It can't be helped that there are Aogiri higher ups that aren't loyal to the 'king'. Besides, " Nico giggles, "it doesn't matter does it. Even if they escape, their boss is Ayato."

"Do whatever you want." With a huff, the Bin brothers left.

"Thanks Nico, I was going to kill them." Yamori smiles at Nico, the first time I have seen that is not menacing.

"No problem dear." Nico giggles again.

"Well then, what's you answer, Kaneki?" Yamori narrows his eyes at Kaneki again.

"Don't believe in what he has said, Kaneki." Banjou says weakly. "You don't have to bear it on you own."

"Kaneki... listen to me. Don't agree... He is going to-" Yamori glares at me. Then there is the sickening crack from my ribs, his tenacle penetrating through my lungs.

I can't breathe. All I can do is wheeze. Choke on my own blood as I try to take in air. The blood enters the remains of my lungs, even regeneration can't help me. It is meant for me to die choking, suffocated by my own blood.

"That's what will be happening to the remaining people if you don't agree."

Kaneki tightened his fists as he spare a glance at me. He thought I will survive. But this might be the last time.

"I'll go."


	24. Intimidation: XXIV(unedited)

Intimidation: XXIV

Time passes very slowly. Even the flaps of the sparrow wings seems to flutter ever so slowly. So slowly. My breathing slows down as well. It is no longer painful. My body doesn't hurt anymore. My breath no longer erratic. I am tired, so does my heart, we reach a silent agreement to slow down and rest a bit.

**_A pond gleams under the sunlight, vibrant colours of blue and green fulfills the men's desire for beautiful things. And Kaneki has put his foot into the pond that looked safe at first, and then another step on the imaginary pond bed, he stumble into the water. It is so deep, he starts to sink to the limitless depth of misery._ **

**_And I am there, sinking quite some distance beneath him, looking at his falling form as bubbles rush out of his nose and mouth. My blood makes the water hazy, but it fades away in the mast of water. Diluted. Not a single trace left. He struggles and frails his arms, but to no avail, he continues to sink as if there are invisible metal chains is pulling him down._ **

Something wet drops onto my cheeks and slide down. It is a mush of male voices, gaping mouths that seem as if they are going to eat me.

Please don't eat me.

Please leave me alone. Please grant my wish to die in tranquility.

They forcefully open my mouth. Something warm and smooth slides down my tongue and into my throat. Out of reflexes, I choke.

"Drink it, goddamn it Xandra!"

More slides down.

"Why aren't you drinking it?" Someone wails. It sounds so familiar. Why? Who is it?

"It's hopeless. We can't save her. She wants to die."

"We c-can't just let her die here! I have to save her! She... she.. No!" Then the person cups my face. Did it suddenly rain? "You have to live!"

"A person who doesn't want to be saved, cannot be saved. She's pathetic, she doesn't deserve to be helped."

_She's pathetic._

Yes, I am.

 _She's pathetic. What wrong with her eye? It's so weird._  
_It's so scary._  
_It's so freaky._  
_It's so-_

Shut up.

I know I am pathetic. All I can do is hide in a corner, head between my knees and cover my ears. Chanting words to block the voices.

**_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._ **

But they still wriggle through and settle within my skull.

"Do you not care about me anymore? Are you so willing to throw everything away? What about big sister Touka, Hinami and big brother Kaneki? What about big sister Yuki? Do you not care about them anymore?"

Hoshi?

"Fine. If you don't care, then I don't care about you too."

Still so childish, I see.

I gulp. My vision starts to clear. The leaves aren't a mess of green anymore, the sparrows shoot forward and away into the blue sky. And more importantly, I can finally see him. The star that has stayed beside me no matter what.

"Hoshi." I croak. He wipes his tears on his sleeves roughly. I try to sit up, but it feels like my stomach is bruised and the muscles are burning. I look down, my blood has stained my clothes, and still spreading.

"Where's Banjou? And the others?" The forest is empty, except for me and Hoshi. And who is that voice that called me pathetic?

"They weren't here when I found you lying here bleeding to death." He starts to cry again.

"Stop crying, trash."

I turn to the voice. How dare he?

"Who are you?" I narrow my eyes at the boy that is not much older than Hoshi. He sounds like Ayato, must be one of his subcoordinates.

"None of your business." He looks away. Tsk. Just another kid who needs to be educated.

"It is my business when you are so rude to Hoshi." Not caring if my blood will stain his shirt as well, Hoshi hugs me, still sobbing.

"I can be rude to whoever I want. It is a mistake to come here with you, Hoshi."

"It is not a mistake! If we didn't patrol the ground, Xandra would be here to die alone!"

"I don't care. I don't even know her."

"Heartless bastard." Hoshi mutters under his breath.

"Okay okay boys, settle down. What are we going to do next?" I pull away from Hoshi and pat his head.

"I am going to hand you back to Aogiri." The still nameless boy flicks my forehead and sniggers when I wince.

Hoshi swat his hand away. "No! What are you thinking? They are going to kill her!"

"Do I look like I care?"

"Stop trying to act cool."

"I am cool, I don't need to pretend."

"Yeah right." Hoshi rolls his eyes.

"No. I have to go back, Kaneki is in there." I test my strength, standing up should be okay. Pushing the ground, I try to stand. My legs are shaking.

"Big brother?"

"Who is Kaneki?"

I cross my arms, looking evilly at the boy standing next to Hoshi. "If you tell me your name, then I will tell you about Kaneki."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"What? No!"

Hoshi whispers loudly into the boy's ears, "you know, I have always suspected that Xandra likes big brother, but she always deny it."

"No."

Both of them reply. "No means yes, and yes means yes."

"Kids are so annoying." They laugh, which brought a smile on my face despite of what has happened.

"His name is Ame, by the way." Hoshi points at him.

"Wha-? You betrayed me!"

"What. Your name is not that of a big deal."

"Still!"

"Ame, nice to meet you." I hold my hand out for a shake. I don't think I can hold it in the air much longer.

He slaps my hand away. "Do it right." He holds his fist out, a badly hidden smile is trying to fight its way out on his face. "Fist. Down. Up. Clap." A bro fist. That's surprising, considering how much I think he hates me.

After that, we walk quietly into the building, they tell me to wait and hide in somewhere as they go in and get something. I wait and huddle closer, it's so cold. I am hungry, tired and battered with injuries that seem to heal slower than snails.

A sudden hustle causes me to leap to my feet, adrenaline coursing through my blood. When the two shadows emerge from the bushes, I sigh in relief.

"Here's your cloak. Wear it and they wouldn't suspect you." Ame tosses the piece of clothing at me, I catch it and take a sniff. The smell has me wrinking my nose in disgust.

"It's the only one we can find that is relatively clean." Hoshi adds.

"Thanks." I put it on reluctantly, the hood shadowing my face. Still, I feel so unarmed without my mask on.

We walk into the building, the atmosphere is different. I am no longer a prisoner, but an 'Aogiri hunter'.

We walk into the place where they prepare food. Whips can be heard.

"Do it quick! Useless piece of shit." I want to eat him. Passing the door, I look in. A ghoul is whipping a child. Remembering Banjou had placed himself in front of the child and taken the punch and the blame, I become furious. I walk in.

"Who are you?" Turning to the intruder, he asks roughly.

"Someone higher rank than you, scumbag."

The man is shaking in anger. Everyone stop their work and watch as the drama unfolds.

"Kid, what's your name?" I ask, crouching in front of the whimpering kid.

"You are not in charge of here." He shouts and whip the floor. The crack makes the inferior workers flinch in fear.

"I am not talking to you." I have no intention to fight him, but if he starts it, I might kill him.

"What's your name?"

"A-aki."

Taking a lump of meat from the table, I hold it in front of her. "Alright Aki, are you hungry?"

"Yes!" Her eyes gleam hopefully.

"This is not for you!" Throwing his arm up, he holds the whip and flick it downwards. I turn just in time to block it with my arm. It left a gash on my arm.

Tearing a small piece from the lump, I give the remaining to the little girl. I dangle the meat in front of the man, he gulps. Everyone here is hungry.

"Do you want it?" I originally want to put it in my mouth and taunt him. But then, it seemed a good part of me survived and reminded me that hunger leads to desperation, and desperation leads to hopelessness and evil doings.

"Y-no. Why would I want that?" As if snapping out of a trance, he whips my arm that is dangling the meat. The meat is flicked to some dark corner of the preparation room.

"Because admit it, we are all hungry." Taking another lump, I toss it towards the ghoul.

He catches it swiftly and stares at it, gulping but refusing to give into his desire for he knows the consequences of doing it.

"Are you trying to cause a harvoc here?" Hoshi whispers in my ear.

"Maybe. Maybe not." Pausing next to the ghoul who is still staring at the meat, I hold his shoulder and whisper to his ear. "Eat it or not? I will leave you to think for yourself. But please don't harm a child, you were one yourself a long time ago."

Swiping another few lumps on the table, I pocket it and leave the room with Hoshi and Ame in toll.

Turning and facing the boys, "want some?"


	25. Intimidation: XXV(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:
> 
> It is very similar to the manga, the important details are the same except for the sequence of events.
> 
> Enjoy!

His breath is ragged. Thousands of questions burn in his mind.

So many whys.

So many what ifs.

But his main focus now, is the next number that is subtracted by seven of the previous number.

He is almost certain he cannot be saved. Even if he survived, he is not sure if he can function like a normal human anymore. No, he isn't a human, he is nothing but a disgusting half ghoul, a monster in disguise.

_At the back of everything, a place is illuminated weakly. This is a place where he can find tranquility, despite how his body is suffering right now. He sits on a chair bounded, in the land of white spider lilies. He finally understands what the girl has told him, why she was so desperate to get him out of here, why she said she will never be a the same again, and why she would rather die than live._

_He still remember her pleading eyes, begging him to save himself. He thought he was doing them good. He thought if he turned himself in, the people he cares about will not suffer. He thought if he can bear all the pain, she will not be hurt._

_His head is down and he thinks hard **.**_

_What if..._

_What if he didn't agree to Yamori's deal, would she, Banjou and the rest be killed?_

_What if they have all listened to what the girl had said?_

_What if he didn't go on that 'date' with Rize?_

_What if... he was never born?_

_Why?_

_Why did mother help her sister? Who is obviously sucking her money and hardwork like a leech._

_Why did mother leave him all alone in this cruel world? Why did father abandon them and leave mother to work until she dies?_

_Why is life so unfair?-_

**"Still cute as aways."**

_The person of the compliment snaps his head up, he narrows his eyes at the unwelcomed intruder in his mind._

**"Why are you here?"**

_A clear and seductive chuckle comes out of the purple-haired lady. The slight bitterness in his heart makes the place darker, he thinks, he once have thought the chuckle as alluring and sweet, but now, he only feels rage and hollowness._

**"What do you mean 'why are you here'? I am a part of you."** _She chuckles again and leans closer to his face. He would have blushed for the closeness in the past, but now, no matter how beautiful she tries to appear before him, he will only give her a cold eye._

 **"You are not a part of me. You are just something that Dr. Kanou has secretly and illegally put into my body."** _The bitterness is becoming stronger_ **.**

 **"But doesn't that make me yours?"** _She straightens herself and circle him. When she is behind him, she leans onto his back unexpectedly. He can feel the female parts, and he struggles not to push her away. Wrapping her arms around his shoulder, she asks,_ **"say, what has your childhood been like?"**

_He figured it wouldn't hurt to tell her a bit about himself. She isn't alive anyway. Just a vivid imagination of the binge eater._

**"It was quiet."** _Then, his memories are displayed in front of them like a muted_ _TV_ **.**

_His younger self read a lot of books, taking one after another as time passes. He sat quietly in a corner, completely absorbed in a book. Suddenly, he looked up, a younger Hide came into sight. The energetic boy made wide gestures and laughed a lot, he only smiled gently. He could feel that, sometimes even his friend doubted the sincerity of his smiles._

_He knew it himself that he could never smile innocently anymore._

_Not when life had been so cruel to him. Taking away his father, stripping him of his mother and tossed him into a family of prejudice and inequality._

**"Your bestfriend, Hide, isn't it?"** _He gives a slight nod._ **"He is quite a good friend."**

 **"Yes."** _He smiles at the memories, he was glad that Hide has decided to think he wanted to be friends with him._

 **"Is that your mother?"** _The memories have changed to when he is smaller still. A very intoxicating smell fills his senses, he has always loved his mother's burger meat the most. He wished he can taste it again._

_**His mother ruffled his hair. Then, the bell rang, a feeling of dread fills the younger mind of his.** _

_**That aunty again.** _

_**Why is she always asking for his mother's money?** _

_**She has a husband and a house bigger than our's.** _

_**Whenever he asked, mother would say, "she does need help."** _

_**He knew for one thing even when he was that small, that his mother thought that rather than being a person who hurt others, becomes a person who gets hurt. It is her responsibility to bear others' pains and reponsibilities, as the oldest sister in her family.** _

_For so many years, he had followed his mother's steps unknowingly._

_Sinister laughter makes his ears ring **, "**_ **that's so stupid. How did she think she can be the saint and do all that? Did she not think for you? If she had thought for you, she wouldn't give that lazy ass of a sister money. And she wouldn't overwork herself and die, leaving you all alone like this."**

_She continues to laugh at the 'stupidity' of his mother._

**"If I were you, I would loathe her for doing that. Or are you actually loathing her already?"** _She giggles at his blank face._

_He continues to remain in silence, it gives her enough proof that he is just doing what she has suggested._

_Fingers dancing across his cheek, her voice is smooth like olive oil._ **"Why don't you accept me? We both know that if you accept my powers, you can easily defeat that distasteful twit."** _She licks her lips hungrily._

"Kaneki! It has been a good day and I can't wait to start our session." Yamori cracks his finger with a twisted grin. "Since I am feeling lenient today, let's chat for a bit, shall we?"

What does he want to talk about?

"Remember the girl that I stabbed?"

Yamori pauses a while to wait for his response. When all he does is stare back at him with a small spark of recognition in his eyes, Yamori is satisfied.

"How do you feel now? Was it fun? She underwent the same things like you, but comparing to you, she is no fun at all. Do you know why? Because she doesn't scream. All she does is muttering little words. I think I have heard your name a few times."

He lowers his head tiredly, but listens intently to what Yamori has to say. Just what is his point of saying all of this?

"When the lower rank ghouls go back to check on her body, it disappeared. How mysterious, I wonder why." Yamori grins wider, his eyes almost becoming a line, his pupils dilate out of mad excitement.

A mixture of dread and relief leaves him confused. Not sighting of her body means she is rescued, she is still alive. One day, he will find her. However, dread mixed in like a rotten apple in the pile, because of what Yamori is going to say next.

"And I am going to let her, along with a few of the Aogiri traitors come here, and we are going to have so much fun." Suddenly, Yamori has a serious face on, "alright, enough talking. Let's proceed."

Then, all thoughts of her risking her life again for him is pushed into the back of his mind as pain numbs his body, and cracking of fingers turns him deaf to his own screams.

Pincers. Pliers. Knives. Scapels.  
His toes. His fingers. His skin. His face.

Now, he truly understands the weakness of a human. And he knows he is a monster as all of the lost parts regenerate.

Yamori told him why he came to enjoy hurting others. A torturer's mind duplicates itself into the mind of the tortured. And alarmingly, he can feel the effects of the torture on his mind. Apart from feeling despair, he is... becoming another person.

 _Everytime someone is in disadvantage in this world, it is because their lack of ability_.

He knows he is weak, he knows that he is just another existence that is fading into nothingness as the world goes on. They will forget about him.

_The weak are trampled. They are overrun, violated and afflicted._

_To escape pain, I inflict pain. It was wonderful, truly thrilling._

Then, a Chinese red headed centipede is put into his ear. And a cloth is put over his eyes. At that instance, he thinks, how pleasant it would be to just go mad.

If he is mad, he won't be affected by pain.

If he is mad, he won't be so worried over his existence anymore.

He remembers everyone. Is that what flits through her mind when she thought she was going to die? Did she think of him?

_He has returned to his garden of white spider lilies, except that, some of it has turned crimson red._

**"God, this is so boring."**


	26. Intimidation: XXVI(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:
> 
> Slight reference to the song Unravel, can you detect it?

**"Your hair is all white."**

**"Is it?"** _He chuckles. It no longer sound nervous or happy, just plain coldness resonates in the stained white lily garden. Rize smirks._

 _His memories start to play again. Rize scoots closer to him._ **"Your were a cute little boy. I never thought you were one to participate in a play, not to mention acting as a main character."**

**"I was forced into doing it after I said I know the story."**

**"Don't you agree that being forced means being weak?"**

_He narrows his eyes dangerously. Rize pays no attention, he can't hurt her, they both know it. Not yet._

**"Your mother who could never turn down her sister. You who is forced to participate in a play. Both of you are weak. Was your mom... really a 'kind and respectable' person? Are you being a 'decent' person by following her footsteps?"**

_Rize leaves him to think for a while. She knows just how to... help him think, and it is fun. She prefers the word 'helping' over 'manipulating', she is helping him, isn't she?_

_Hearing the footsteps outside, she makes a final blow._

**"Because of how you are, you might lose those precious friends of yours. And it is going to be... All. Your. Fault."** _Then she disappears like mist fading away._

"After these few days, I realize you have a unexpectedly tough mind. So I thought of something new." Yamori pulls two people out of his travelling bag. It is the child and the mother that were with Banjou. Kaneki widens his eyes, he thought-

"So, who are you going to pick? Mother or child first?"

"You are a fucking liar." He screams, struggling in his chains. Yamori promised him... he promised him they will let them go...

He should have known.

"I told you I don't tell boring lies. So which one first? I am not a patient man. If you don't choose, I will kill them both."

Choose Kouto. She mouths.

Why is he the one to choose? He will become the person killing those he cared about.

"If you have to kill someone, kill me." He hoped his death can exchange for their tickets out of here. How naive.

"Then watch closely." Yamori takes hold of the mother's head.

Then Nico, who appeared out of nowhere,  surprises them all, apart from Yamori. "Killing the mother in front of a child. This is sick. You are going overboard, Yamori."

Yamori strangles Kouto, while the mother cries out for her son with a voice that break the heart of everyone who hears it, apart from the psychopaths who torture people for pleasure. "EVERYTHING HERE IS MINE. You are too loud." Then, Yamori's kagune stabs the mother.

The mother and son lies peacefully on the checkerbox floor. As if they were asleep, save for the spreading blood that is pouring from the mother's abdomin.

Kaneki can hardly interpret the events that have happened. It was so fast, and he has made the wrong choice.

The cussing starts to fade away as Yamori leaves the room, leaving Kaneki and Nico the two only living beings in the 'hobby room'.

_Why is he always the one at fault?_

_Why is he always the one? Misfortunate seems to befall on him like never ending snow. A blizzard even._

_Someone. Please save him._

**"Help will never come."** _Rize crouches next to him._ **"I am not even real, but a figment of your imagination. You are on your own in this. She said she will save you? She should save herself first.**

 **There is no such thing as luck in this world. Everything results from combination of different situations. Some unexpected, some is obvious as hell."** _She puts her hands on his face, sliding and proding_.

**"You got tricked by me, got tampered with by the doctor and turned into a monster. That's all you fault."**

Let the brainwashing begin.

**"Rather than being a person who hurt others, becomes a person who gets hurt. How laughable. You are not a charity. Even God isn't that 'charitable' to let people sin again and again. Isn't this principle, the one that led to your mother's death and your fall?**

**If your were stronger and killed Yamori right there, they would have survived. If your mom didn't give her money away like that, she wouldn't die overworking."**

_Something in Kaneki broke, and he is sure it can never regenerate nor heal again._

_He cries for his mother. The one that he loved so dearly, the one that had abandoned him and chosen to overwork herself supporting her family and her damned sister's family. He has become truly insane finally. The balance has tilted, tipped. His humanity slides down the smooth surface and off the balance._

**"There are times when you have to sacrifice one thing to save the other. Your mother couldn't do it, and so, she died. This is not kindness, but weakness."**

_By sacrificing his humanity, he will protect the ones he cared the most._

**"Can you forgive Yamori for treating life do carelessly? And the organization that he is in?"** _His thoughts go back to Xandra, the girl that has entered this organization earlier than he did, suffered longer than he did. He wonders._

**"We both know if Aogiri gains more power, the 20th ward will never be the same as it was. Your Anteiku friends, your precious Hide and Xandra. They will all perish and become ash to be scattered in the wind."**

_Kaneki looks up at Rize with wide and mad eyes, something in him has changed, but he can't change it. He knows he is going insane, but he also knows he is unable to lose his mind._

_Rize smiles internally, finally._

**“I won’t let that happen. Not just Aogiri, anyone who dares to take away my place to be. I won’t forgive anyone who threatens the peace in my life. It’s just like hand-picking coffee beans. For the sake of a good cup of coffee, we pluck out the ones that are trash."**

**"But aren't you reluctant to use your 'kagune', something that you can't control?"**

_He breaks free of his chains and loom over Rize._ **"Then I will control it."** _He starts to devour her._ _  
_

**"Good boy..."** _She pats his head as he tear her apart, she smiles. She has achieved her goal._

_In the midst of all chaos, the black haired Kaneki died. Like a phoenix, another individual reborns in the ash of his previous self._

_He is a ghoul._

_He knows he is beyond repair, and he hopes others can help him remember what he used to be, because he can't remember it himself._

_To protect his loved ones, he must sacrifice himself._

_He waits for the 'master' to come back._

_It is going to be so much fun, truly thrilling._

_When the tables turn._


	27. Intimidation: XXVII(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Normal POV again~

Intimidation: XXVII

The Aogiri base is under attack. Though I have no desire to defend it, in fact I am hoping for it to fall, I still bear the symbol of Aogiri on the cloak I am wearing.

For a few days straight, I thought of how to get Kaneki out of the torture room. Ironically, I don't know where exactly the torture room was even after a month of staying in there. Though I have overheard that it might be at the building behind  Building 5. Hoshi thinks I shouldn't blame myself for not knowing. But I still did.

** I can't afford it. When someone's hands manage to find their way through strands of events and into my heart, a piece of it goes willingly with them as they retract. And there, pieces of it lay on their palm like a piece of living jewellry, it goes with them as they cross the border of life and death, as they leave me behind, the original owner of the treasure in their hand. Slowly, I will become hollow. A breathing but not living person. **

Then suddenly, they striked. Higher ups shouted at the lower ones. I am forced to follow a squad of ghouls I don't know. As far as I know, Hoshi and Ame are together in another squad. I have mixed emotions about it, I feel relieved that they are fighting together and looking out for each other, but at the same time, I am scared that I will lose them both. They are still so young. In these few days, Ame has joined our family. I am the big sis and take care of them, they do weird things that young boys do, but they always stick with me. if they were to be killed in this, I don't know what will happen to me. I don't know if I can carry on.

_Live for me._

I sigh, standing here on some metal bars and waiting for the CCG walk in. The ghouls are crouching, ready to leap down and give a surprise yet fatal blow to the humans.

If I sneak away, will they notice? They probably will. What am I going to do though?

I am brought out of my thoughts when I heard some footsteps. The other ghouls haven't heard it yet.

I don't really want to kill the CCGs. A foe of my enemy is my ally, isn't it?

I need a plan. I am currently at Building 3, quite far away from Building 5 if I might add. It's cliche, but it will work. I hope.

I wait for the other ghouls to hear it. The leader starts to whisper orders, how they are going to attack them when he makes a specific gesture.

I hear none of it.

With a swipe, they all leap down. I stay on top of the metal bar, watching how the battle goes. Plummeting down like rocks. The humans look up in surprise, the first few ones can't react in time and have their heads chopped off. However, the other CCGs quickly gain an upperhand on the ghouls. One of them looks familar, a tall built with insanely powerful strikes even for a human.

What's his name again? Something starts with A... oh right, Amon. The 'righteous' guy. His partner the white haired old man must be the one who was killed.

He strike with precision, fury in his eyes. Even the other humans spare glances at him in awe, especially the woman that looks like a man.

He intrigues me, but let's not forget about my original plan. Looking back for the last time, I leap off the metal bars and away from the battle area.

"Quick! There is an Aogiri escaping!" Someone shouts. I look back momentarily, damn that man looking woman.

Oh fuck it. I turn around, sending shards towards the pursuers.

"You!" Amon growls at me. I say nothing, but turns around and continue my way until I hear footsteps almost right behind me.

"I will not let you go this time, you filthy monster." He tries to hit me with his red quinque.

"I have somewhere else to be." I say angrily, annoyed that he has to follow me.

"I will destroy you, monster." I block his quique with my kagune, it almost slice through my shoulder.

"I have someone to rescue, please leave me alone." I flick shards at him, intentionally missing his body but halting his footsteps.

"Saving? What do you monster know about saving people?" He growls and leap over the small shards on the floor, heading for me again.

"Who are you to judge whether I am good or not? You don't even know me in person!" This is getting annoying.

"You have killed the old man."

"And you have killed a mother, and almost killing the daughter too, just because of what they are."

"Your race deserves to die." After he says that, I give a uncontrollable blow, he flies away and barely lands on his feet. My anger peaks, I have never been this angry before.

"Oh? And your's deserve to live? Is that so? Do you think so highly of yourself? Destorying other's lives while you live in luxury and watch other's perish." I am determined. Stronger blows, push him off his balance and let him cower in fear when I hover over him with the tip of my kagune pointed to his throat.

He fights back, returning equally strong blows, the impact damages my kagune. "You are man eating monsters who knows no boundaries, you all are disgusting-"

"Disgusting man eating monsters? Damn right we are." I slap his face. Didn't see it coming, huh?

His eyes widen in shock. Shock that my first hit landed on him isn't by a kagune, but from a slap instead. It did leave a bright red hand mark. I walk away. He is just another douchebag who thinks he is doing righteous things. By killing. How funny.

"Do you think that the person who survives until the end is the winner?" I ask him, still walking away. It is just a random thought, but it will leave him thinking and buy time for me to go where I want. I turn a corner and start sprinting.

Kaneki. Please be alive.

I run up the stairs. It's risky to jump over buildings, but also the fastest way in my opinion. Continuing to sprint, I gather speed. My ukaku extends out as I leap into the air.

Building 5... Building 5... I look around. I put my weight slightly on my right and find my equilibrium again. It's there. I can almost feel the vibration of torturous voices coming from that horrible building.

The battle rages on, but it seems no one has notice me. I look around the roofs, there are 3 people on the roof somewhere farther away from building 5. Squinting and focusing, they seems like someone I know from Anteiku. Hinami, the manager and another woman whose name I forgot.

I shake my head, focusing on my goal instead. I must be dreaming.

I crash land onto the roof of building behind Building 5. Rolling a few seconds before coming to a stop, my arms are all scratched. Blood slides down my knees and arm, my cloak is torn. I pull it off in distaste. No use now.

Kaneki, where are you?

I run down the stairs again. It's rather strange how I encounter no CCGs after my fight with Amon, it might be a blessing, it might be a curse.

"Banjou..." I hear someone says. The gang must be locked up here. I rush down the stairs while listening to their conversation.

"There is a big ruckus going on outside, huh?"

"I wonder if Kei and Kouto are alright."

The mother and son were taken away?

"And Kaneki as well..."

"Jiro, just stop it already..."

"I am sorry, Aniki. I am just a little scared. When competing against Yamori, we are just bugs to be squashed. And eventually, we are all going to..."

I am almost there. Please hang in there. They are in the middle part of the building, meaning more than just a few floors below the roof.

"Goddamn it! Goddamn it! GODDAMN IT!" A voice I recognized as Banjou's shouts. I jump at the sudden projection but quickly recover.

Just around that corner, I will get you all out of here.

Just as I am about to run towards the cell, the metals that make the cells exploded. Leaving dust and particles floating in the air.

An attacker? CCGs? I know they would be here somewhere, swiping off Aogiri ghouls. To do that, they can't leave any building alone, can they? Damn it.

Banjou and the others are in danger.

I rush to the cell and flick some shards into the shadow of the person.

Before my shards can hit, the shadow moves away in incredible speed. It is so fast that before I can blink, I am pushed against the opposite wall with someone strangling me.

The moon shines dimly, casting long shadows over his features. His silvery white hair is almost glistening, even under such insufficient lighting. Wild eyes that once hold warmth, has nothing but melancholy and madness. Inches away from my face, is one that I almost didn't recognize.

"Kaneki?"


	28. Intimidation: XXVIII(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:
> 
> It's a special day for me. XD   
> So I will post the next chapter as well.

Intimidation: XXVIII

He grins as I cough out blood. But the psychotic part of him fades as realization suddenly take over.

He immediately releases his hold on my throat, kagune retracting back into his back. I hold my stomach. Why do I keep getting impaled?

"Kaneki! And... Xandra?" A sense of deja vu washes over me when Banjou repeated what he said about twenty day ago.

I fall to my knees, the blood that dripped out from my mouth is drying. I can feel my wound healing as well, but slowly.

"I am sorry! I am so sorry!" My eyes start to water, not from pain. But from relief and happiness that he is alive, he has survived! But I didn't save nor protect him, he got out himself, it seems.

The white haired Kaneki stares in shock at what he has done.

"Why are you apologizing?" He asks quietly as he crouches down and lifts me. Though his voice bears no emotion, I can see guilt in his eyes. I didn't reply him, I don't have a chance anyway.

Banjou, his three followers and another man come out of the cell.

"Kaneki... So, you are safe." Kaneki breaks his gaze from me and looks up. Banjou looks really relieved, so much that it seems he might cry.

We can all cry in relief because Kaneki is alive. I chuckle to myself for the childish thought.

However, something in him had changed. And I am not sure... if I like it or not.

"Y-you hair... Y-your appearance..." Banjou stutters.

"Yeah... A few things have happened, it's a long story." He smiles slightly, but it is forced.

"What happened to Yamori?" I croak. At the mention of his name, Kaneki's eyes turn crazed.

"Ah, I defeated him. He is still alive, but he is in no condition to fight though." Even his voice changes, it's so cold that even I am scared.

I pat his shoulder, it seems to snap him out of his reverie. I motion for him to put me down. He grips harder for a moment, before sighing and putting my down gently on my feet.

It's all healed.

Patting the dust on my clothes, I listen to their conversation. Banjou and the others are really surprised that Kaneki defeated Yamori. But I wouldn't be surprised if the present Kaneki defeated Yamori. I have a taste of it just now.

"Where's Kei and Kouto?" Banjou asks. I tear my gaze from the floor to Kaneki.

"I am sorry... I wasn't able to save those two because of my lack of ability..." Pain laces in his voice.

They are dead...? Because of Kaneki's lack of ability? Because of Yamori?

"So again, I am not able to do anything or save anyone because I am just a useless bastard." Banjou starts to cry. "I am sorry, Kei... I am sorry, Kouto..." We all remain silent, sorrowful for their unfortunate deaths and sympathetic for Banjou who blames himself again and again.

"Banjou, that's enough." Kaneki interrupts. We all turn to him in surprise. "You don't have to hold yourself responsible for the deaths of others because you are the leader. If you have done everything in your power, it's fine. Please don't suffer anymore than this from the guilt you harbour on a mission that cannot be accomplished on your own. I will take over your distress as a leader, so leave everything to me."

Banjou gapes at him.

"Because I am going to protect everyone, I won't let anyone else be killed." Kaneki meets my eyes for a moment, smiling sadly, before turning away again.

My fingers curl into fists. I feel angry, but I don't know why.

_I won't let anyone else be killed._

Giving a shaky sigh, I calm myself down. What am I angry for? Do I even have the right to be angry?

"The CCGs intend to clear out all the ghouls in this place. So let's get out of here as soon as possible." Kaneki starts walking towards the hole that is big enough for a person to jump off the building.

"I think I saw the manager, Hinami and another Anteiku waitress on the roof of Building 4." I mutters.

"What?"

I smile slightly in realization, but it is quickly replaced by a grimace. We are all in a mess.

"Anteiku has come to rescue you, Kaneki." I say quietly. The others start to follow Kaneki, leaving me standing there.

"Wait a bit, can you guys?" They stop. Kaneki turns and looks back questioningly. I pay his glance no attention and close my eyes, concentrating. I know my hearing is good enough to detect their voices and footsteps. They are heading here, so they shouldn't be too far away.

"What is she doing?" Someone asks, but I ignore it.

_Footsteps..._

_"It seems that the Aogiri and the CCGs are fighting in Building 5. It is going to get dangerous..."_

_"It's some dove troops..."_

I open my eyes again, they are still in their original position, staring at me.

"They are in building 6. Touka, Mr. Yomo, Uta, the stupid gourmet and Nishio." I report.

"Wow, I didn't know you could do that."I nod slightly to the compliments but didn't actually pay attention to them.

"Kaneki, are we going to meet up with them in building 6? I want to add that there seems to be a troop of doves in building 6 as well. Or shall we wait here and let them come to us?"

It is so business like. Have I already treated him like my leader? I shake my head to clear the stray thoughts. There is no time for this now.

"We will go to them. I want Banjou and the others leave this place behind this building. Xandra, you are coming with me-"  
I close my eyes again.

"Wait. They splited up. Touka and Nishio are together. The others are taking care of the doves. Touka and Nishio are arguing." I open my eyes again when Kaneki pulls me away from my spot.

"That's all I need, thank you, Xandra."

"You're welcome." I look at his hand on my wrist, I feel so distant from him. As if we have just known each other, as if he is a stranger I met on the streets one day who turns out to be my new boss. But he is not just a random someone. He is my friend- or he was... He pulls me to the stairs. I stop abruptly.

"What?" He releases his hand.

"Come here."

"We have no time for th-" I hug him, cutting off whatever he has to say. It is an instinct thing.

"Xandra..." Slowly, his arms close behind my waist.

"I know we don't have time, then we will make time for this." I sigh in his shoulder. It's just a hug.

Summoning my ukaku, I make a hole on the wall next to me.

"Hold tight." Releasing my hug, I lift his legs so they are clamped on my hips.

"What are you-"

"Shut up." Then I jump out of the hole, dropping slightly from the weight but quickly gain altitude.

"I didn't know you can fly." He examines my wings with awe. It is nice to see some emotions from his rather dead grey eyes.

"That's because I never showed you." I chuckle, his chest vibrates as his laugh quietly.

Silence engulf us. But it has been proding in my mind for a while now, so I say, "there's something I want to tell you. But I think it has to wait." As the roof comes nearer and nearer, I see Touka fighting Ayato, it doesn't look good. I slow down, still crashing onto the roof. I intend to act as a cushion for our fall, but at the last second, Kaneki turns and we land with him underneath instead.

"Are you alright?" I ask as I lift my self off him, he quickly sits up.

"I'm fine. Let's get to them first." We both stand. "We can talk later." I nod.

"Oh look who's there? Another two pieces of trash who crashed landed onto the roof. What a grand entrance."

"Shut up brat. Don't forget your place." I sneer.

"My place? It seems to me it is you who has forgotten your place. Now, sleep!" Ayato puts his foot on Touka's neck, slightly pushing down.

Before I can go after Ayato, the white haired ghoul has already flung Ayato across the building.

I quickly recover and run towards Touka. I shouldn't expect the same things from a changed person.

"Xandra... And is that Kaneki? Both of you has changed..."

"It has been a hard time for both of us." I mutter I hold her back so she can sit up. "It's a long story. And one that I don't think either of us would want to talk about yet... Do you think you can hold your own here? I need to help Nishio. And don't worry, Kaneki will take care of your brother for you." I stand and turn away, a hand grab on my wrist suddenly. I turn my head, pitying the crying girl.

"Please don't kill my brother. No matter how bad he is, he is the only brother I have left."

"I believe Kaneki won't kill him, he knows... things... after all." With that, she releases my wrist. I go down the stairs to find Nishio kicking off an Aogiri ghoul's head. But there are still too many for him.

I will do it quick. In a second, all the heads of the Aogiri ghouls are sliced off as I weave between them with my ukaku like a knife.

"Xandra!" He smiles, his glasses are gone.

"Nishio." I nod. "I need you to help take care of Touka, she is on the roof. Take her back to Hinami at Building 4."

Nishio frowns in confusion. "How did you know...?"

"I will tell you later, if we are to meet again." With that, I bolt off to where I think Hoshi and Ame is.


	29. Intimidation: XXIX(unedited)

Intimidation: XXIX

Scanning the place, I take in as much as I can. It seems the CCGs has taken over a few buildings in a short period of time. Hopefully, Hoshi and Ame aren't not in one of those buildings. I purse my lips, my heart weigh like lead. Please be alive.

At a time like this, one can only hope to survive and that others live on as well. Unconsciously, I gnaw my lower lips until it bleeds. It doesn't hurt.

I scream in frustration, it will take forever to find them. And the longer I take, the less likely they are to survive. Even if they are already dead, I want to find their bodies.

No, I shouldn't think like that. They are alive, aren't they? They must be alive.

Landing on a random roof, I close my eyes and listen.

_Rapid footsteps. Cautious footsteps. Quiet footsteps._

But they are neither Hoshi's nor Ame's. I close my eyes again, tears starting to flow down my cheeks. Please be alive. Let me hear your voice, just once. That is all I ask for.

God answers my prayer. I open my eyes immediately, they are in the next building. I quickly take off again. Please let me not be too late. Please.

My ukaku encloses around my body as I go through a small hole where I heard Ame's scream. Looking at the sight before me, I fall to my knees.

"Another ghoul! Exterminate her!" A dove shouts.

"Leave me alone." I mutter. I am too late.

Three doves come to me all at once, surrounding me with their quinques ready. They are cautious. The other doves fight off other remaining Aogiri ghouls.

When they strike at the same time, I stand up, my ukaku once again form a shield. They have their quinque stuck in my kagune. With a swirl, the doves fly away.

**The last piece of string that hold the cocoon that I have formed during my torture has snapped. It falls to the ground and break into pieces, its contents spilling everywhere. The pieces are so small that it is impossible to pick up again. _Now I am truly hollow_. The light that was once emitted from the cocoon fades away as it dies.**

I look at their dead bodies. Both were impaled, Hoshi lost his arm while Ame lost a leg.

I am too late. Fuck. I am too late. I am too late. I am too late. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Even when they die, they curl their fingers around each other's. Both of their eyes are closed, if it weren't for the lost limbs and the drying blood, I would have thought they are just sleeping peacefully.

But their passing is nothing near peaceful.

While I am mourning, the doves close in on me again.

"Why?" It is barely audible, but it rings clear. Why haven't I found them sooner? Why didn't I go with them? Why would they kill children? Do they have no humanity?

Overcome by sorrow, I close off any emotions. What is the purpose of being happy when you are going to feel sadder at the end? Why be so close, and let others influence so much of your life just to let them break you apart? I am afraid. It is the only feeling I can't get rid of.

I stare at them dully. Moments ago, I would have wept and wailed if not for the CCGs around. But now, as I look at their bodies, I feel nothing. They are just there, lying on the floor with blood oozing out slowly. Hand in hand, hair still unkempt, sharp chins due to little food. I have to accept that they are dead, there is no other way to conquer this.

There are eight of them surrounding me. Within ten seconds, all of them fall. I quickly lift both Hoshi's and Ame's bodies, one on each shoulder and leap into the air, leaving this wretched place behind. I don't want their blood to mix with the stupid humans. I can't give them a proper funeral, but they deserve a one. I arrive at the spot where Kaneki told Banjou and the others to wait. I land on the floor with a thud, the men look up and immediately come to me.

"Who... are they?" The others peer at their faces.

"Children that no longer breathe." I put them onto the ground gently. They slide off, revealing their identity.

"Hoshi!? And..."

Ignoring Banjou, I place a kiss on their cheeks. They are cold, once again reminding me how their lives are snuffed out so easily. How their bodies become stone cold, how the scratches on their arms and legs will never heal.

Straightening my back, I stare at them. Taking in details that I might have missed before, and burning them into my memory. But I know one day, I will forget that underneath Ame's chin, there was a little mole. I will forget how Hoshi had a long eyelashes and a delicate nose that can easily make him look like a girl with the right accessories. Their fingers were thin but they were filled with strength. How Hoshi had a broken toe nail from stubbing his toe on an uneven concrete in those buildings. How Ame broke his lips when he locked fight with another Aogiri ghoul because he was just that competitive. How I met Hoshi on that fateful day among the tall grass. How he came to choose his own name, a star amongst countless ones but still the only Hoshi that I came to love and care. How they both saved me from the brink of death. How we teased Ame for the whole day as it rained outside. How they laughed. Their voices. Their childishness. Their thoughts. Their dreams. I am afraid I will forget all of it.

"Xandra, I am sorry." Banjou says. But I continue staring at the bodies. I have to accept it, they aren't sleeping. They will never wake up. They will never move a muscle, their heart will never beat. They are dead.

We are all sorry for the deaths of the innocent. But what use is it to feel sorry?

"Kaneki... Looks like you are done here..." I continue to stare, deaf to all.

Someone put it hand on my shoulder. Finally, I turn to the person. Touka offers support as tears glisten in her eyes, embracing me into the hug. I didn't hug back. "At least they are in somewhere better than this world." She whispers.

I say nothing. How do you know they are in somewhere better than here? What if it is worse? What if... that afterlife just doesn't exist? What does it make 'somewhere better than this world'?

Leaving me alone again, Touka walks away to talk to someone else.

I don't know how long I stare at the corpses. How am I going to give them a funeral? Burying them? Cremating them? Or...

"Hey."

I look up. Kaneki has his hand behind his head, briefly looking at the bodies then at me. When he says nothing next, I return my gaze at them.

"What about burying them?" He suggests. I nod slightly and stand up with difficulty for kneeling in front of them so long. Some of the Anteiku people are still here, as well as Uta and the gourmet. Summoning my ukaku, a hole is quickly dugged. Gently, I lift them with with my wings and put them into the earth where worms and bacteria will eat away their bodies. Transfering the energy to the plants, and completing the cycle of life. The soil is quickly put on them again. It is as if I haven't done anything at all, apart from the gentle bump and uneven ground after the act.

I turn away, they are truly gone.

"Banjou, thanks for taking care of me. Follower one, two and three, you guys are great. It is my honour to know you guys." I offer a small smile at the four of them. Finally, I turn to Kaneki. He looks at me curiously. Unable to keep the eye contact, I avert my gaze immediately. "Kaneki, I am really grateful for you being my friend. Thank you for being there when I am broken. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Thank you for your care. Thank you for being so engrossed in your book that you bumped into me when we first met. Thank you for everything." I look up and smile, the widest I can without trying to let my tears slip.

_God, I have a request._

_I think I have come to like you, Kaneki. But too bad, I am not the one for you. Two broken person together does not make us full and complete. Moreover, I am not sure you would return the feelings. Living on is too painful for me. I don't know if I can bear it and truly live my life._

_Please end my life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for killing those two. Please don't kill me. );


	30. Intimidation: XXX(unedited)

Intimidation: XXX

I can already imagine.

**After I tell them my request, all of them except the white head talk at once.**

**"You are being irrational." "What the hell are you saying?" "Ohoho, asking for death? Trés intéressant." "You can't give up!"**

**In the midst of all the voices, I focus on only one.**

**"How can you do this to Kaneki? How can you be so selfish? Look at him! Look at everyone!"**

**I can't. To live for others is wrong from the beginning.**

**" _A person who doesn't want to be saved, cannot be saved." I can see Ame clicking his tongue at me._**

_**"Do you not care about me anymore? Are you so willing to throw everything away? What about big sister Touka, Hinami and big brother Kaneki? What about big sister Yuki? Do you not care about them anymore?"** _

**Hoshi, Ame, stop. You two are already dead.**

**My memories go back to the day before the CCGs attacked. _"We will never stop pestering you, Xandra, even when we are dead. Right, Ame?"_**

_**"Right."** _

**They were going to make sure I won't forget about them.**

"Snap out of it, Xandra." Kaneki growls at me coldly. I return the coldness to him as I glare at his back.

"We are on a mission, and I can't afford you dreaming." Silence hang on us like a heavy curtain.

The first thing we are doing after the Aogiri incident, is to strut into the ghoul resturant that the stupid gourmet had brought and tricked Kaneki to. And sweep the place.

"Xandra, you are thinking of them, aren't you?" Banjou's follower number one pat my shoulder.

I nod without saying anything. After Hoshi and Ame's... death, I find myself rarely saying anything. A nod, a shake from my head is all I need to communicate with others.

Banjou and his followers go off to the other exits of the resturant, sealing off the only escape of the hundred of ignorant ghouls inside this building.

"Tonight will be dolce." The gourmet sighs happily before opening the door for us into the resturant.

A butler immediately greets us, taking our overcoats. I shake my head and keep my hoodie.

After the torture, I have found out a lot of new things about myself, and mostly from the hard way.

I didn't pay too much attention when Kaneki and Banjou told me how my right eye is normal. So much was going on, that I didn't even notice it myself. But one day, I stood motionless as I stare at my reflection on the window of a resturant. I didn't recognize the reflection, until I  reminded myself, everyone has changed after what has happened. No matter physically or psychologically.

My right eye is not cloudy white anymore, it's 'normal', as Kaneki and Banjou have described it. I could see my irises, my pupils constricting as light shine into my eyes. Customers in the resturant looked at me warily, some whispering and throwing suspicious glances towards me. The waitress almost came out to shoo me away. I walked away before I could cause anymore embarrassment for myself.

The red carpet floor with a swirly pattern makes me feel slightly dizzy as I stare at it too long, there is a clothed wooden table in the middle. Food and wine sits on the table like the fake food in window display. I examine the place which the butler brings me and Kaneki into. Yet another classy room. I narrow my eyes with disgust, the victims will never expect what happens next. But why do I care? The victims were dead. And all the ghouls in the next room is going to be slaughtered anyway.

My fingers trace the silk of the tablecloth as I wander slowly around the room, boredom weighs heavily on my shoulders.

Kaneki crosses his arms, stands in one side of the room motionless. His shirt and black pants does nothing to make him blend in. In fact, with the centipede eyepatch on, he look more dangerous. Like the boss of a mafia group. When I finally steps within his two metre radius, his voice rings loud and clear despite he is merely speaking in a quiet baritone.

"Don't lag behind."

I hold my head high and stare at him.

Likewise.

His smirk is the last thing I see before we are engulfed in pitch blackness.

A small rumble from the ground is heard before it is covered by waves of cheers and screams for blood shed. And fear they should, because tonight the only ones who are going to have their blood shed are them.

I put my hood over my head. It isn't for the reasons like hiding my identity. It is just to intimidate them, put fear into their wide eyes as they breathe their last not knowing who killed them.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Your long wait is over!" The gourmet speaks into the microphone with mischief. "Tonight's dinner will be-"

The platform finally stops, revealing us two.

"All of you."

Some gasp in surprise. Some laugh in the absurdity of the whole situation. Some are frozen in shock, apparently recognizing Kaneki's white hair and the killer beneath the hood.

Then, the screaming starts as they push and step on the fallen ones. They stampede towards the exit only to find it blocked.

I leap up with my ukaku bursting out in mid air. Curling up, I do my spin, cutting off everything in my path. When my feet finally touches the ground, what's left is a pool of blood as well as the scattered entrails. Crimson paints the wall, broken masks sits on the liquid as if they are floating on the blood river.

I spare a glance searching for the white fury, his red kagune stabbing all living things.

So cold.

His slender body weaves through bodies before they fall lifelessly into the ground. The reckless moves makes his moves all the more dangerous, shadows of martial arts from all places follows his movements. Kicking a ghoul, she hits the wall with a loud crack and slides down. He moves on.

I am not saying they don't deserve to die, because they do, but the Kaneki now is so cold... I can't help but worry for him. Has he become a person of no feelings? A heartless person who knows only how to kill and take revenge.

The deaths of all these sadistic bastards do not concern me. What makes my heart wrenches in grief is how the Kaneki I once knew died.

My gaze leaves my fighting partner, I don't know my mood can be anymore dampened, but it did.

I shut off my emotions, it is useless on the battlefield anyway. I start to sprint, kicking a stray ghoul. He flies off the floor and onto the platform. Shards follow him and pin him on the ground like a specimen.

Another dead.

A punch goes my way, I move my shoulder away and the ghoul stumble towards me. I grab his arm and lift my knee upward, a satifying crunch brings a grin onto my face.

"You are truly insane-" I stab him.

Dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

All of them are dead.

Kaneki jumps back onto the platform, joined by the gourmet and Banjou's team.

I stay where I am, staring down. Banjou beckon me to go to them. I ignore him and turn away and walk the opposite direction. My stomach is growling, I suppose I can do one more thing to clean up this place.

When I finished my meal, they are already gone, leaving me behind. I wipe my mouth with my sleeve, the blood smeared on my cheeks are drying. It cracks when my face muscles moves, an uncomfortable prickly feeling causes me to winkle my nose.

I step out of the resturant with my hands in my pockets as if nothing happened. As if the massacre did not just happened. Since when do I think of life as so easily taken? Since when do I think I can take other's life so easily?

The strong will devour the weak. It is a universal rule of this world. What is so unnerving is that, the strong intervines with the weak. And though weak, they can take a piece of the core of the strong and make them fall apart. Just like how a little white termite can eat away the tree trunk, killing the plant in the process.

Light footsteps follow me. When I stop, silence take over. As I start to walk again, I hear the person starting to walk as well. Who is stalking me? Don't they know following a hooded figure at night can cost him his life?

I slow my footsteps, he slows down as well. Then I sprint and jump onto the roof, leaping from one to another. I can still hear the taps of his footsteps on the roof behind me. Before I leap to another roof, I swirl around and send shards to his way.

Rize's kagune blocks the shards, I widen my eyes in surprise.

I am falling to my death.


	31. Intimidation: XXXI(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:  
> IT IS COMING IT IS COMING  
> If you get what I mean (which you probably don't XD)
> 
> Enjoy

Intimidation: XXXI

If only I can really just die like that. 

One of his kagune wraps around my torso, other three imbed themselves into the building and slow down our fall.

Kaneki is not wearing his eyepatch nor his mask, just a emotionless face that intimidates me more than it should. I stare at his eyes, my hood is falling off. Moonlight casts on his silver hair, the wind blows slightly. 

Slowly, he lands on the ground. The tentacle is still wrapped around my torso, it pulls me nearer and near to Kaneki, until I fall into his waiting arms as he carry me. 

I glare.

Put me down.

He shakes his head, a small smile lingering at the corner of his lips. 

"A centipede saving a falling butterfly, huh?" 

I roll my eyes at the description. Why insects?

He sighs. "When will you start speaking to me? Your voice... I-we all miss it." 

I avert my gaze, turning to look at the trails of his kagune on the wall of the building. 

"You can tell me, you know? All your worries, your thoughts. Because I am the leader, I have responsibility for everyone in my team." 

I remain silent.

"Fine. I know you haven't lose your voice. Let's have a spar. If I win, you speak again. If I lose, I will do one thing for you. Anything." 

My head snap back, I raise my eyebrows. He puts me down gently on my feet. 

"Deal?" 

I consider my choices. I have seen Kaneki fight, but I have never fought him before. I know his style, but I might not be as strong as him, since his kagune has an advantage over mine in physique. If I don't fight him-

"If you refuse, I will have to ask you to leave."

What?

I grit my teeth. What a bastard. And he is smiling like he has already won.

Fine. Little devil. 

I grip his outstretched hand as hard as I could, almost to a bone breaking point. I shake his hand with so much force that he almost stumble on me. Guess he isn't prepared for this handshake huh.

When I release his hand, I walk off in anger, going back to our base. 

I arrive at the base with Banjou's followers sitting on the sofa chatting, then greeting me when they see me. Banjou himself is somewhere in the kitchen that has nothing, the gourmet is sitting on the sofa with his legs on the table like he owns the place. Oh. He does. But it doesn't make me want to punch him in a less hurtful way. 

The only thing I know that me and Kaneki share in common is that we don't trust this gourmet.

"Xandra, where are you going?" One of the followers comes towards me and asks.

Then, the door opens and Kaneki walks in. Great timing. I point at him, make a 'human two legs walking' gesture on my left palm, then a bam the little figure becomes a fist.

"You are going to fight Kaneki?" One of them says in surprise.

I roll my eyes in annoyance.

"No, she means, she is going to beat me up. Am I correct, Xandra?" Kaneki walks up next to me and smirks in self satisfaction.

I roll my eyes again and storm off to my room to prepare for a shower. The only great thing about this base, is that there is enough space to give me a room of my own. Kaneki has one, Banjou and his followers have one, the goumet end up having one by himself though he insists he wants to share a room with Kaneki. I gag. He is so obssessed with Kaneki that it is not healthy.

When I grab all my neccessities, I close my bedroom door quietly and go to the bathroom. Only to meet Kaneki, who is aiming for the same thing as me.

He smiles wickedly.

"Lady's first." He bows slightly as if he is a gentlemen.

I narrow my eyes at him as I enter the bathroom, my glare never leaving the top of his bowed head. I slam the door in his face. 

I grip the sink as hard as I can until my knuckles are white and the porcelain threatening to break. The girl inside the mirror is furious. I focus in my left eye. The one I usually look at even before my right eye becomes 'normal'. I activate my only kakugan, my left eye immediately turns black with red irises. But my right eye remains the same. 

Who are my parents? 

It is the question I have asked even before this discovery that I am a half ghoul. Before, I thought either one of my ghoul parents have some heriditary diseases that passed on to me. But it seems, I am the product of a human and a ghoul. Something must have gone wrong in the genetics. Or is it? The heavy use of regeneration during that time might have caused me to have a normal eye again, but still a defective one that cannot activate a kakugan.

I sigh heavily and release my death grip on the innocent sink, proceed to my long awaited shower. 

Cold water hit my head rudely, the sound of impact echoes in my head.

Tack. Tack. Tack. Tack.

It helps cool my head, but not entirely.  When I walk out of the bathroom, Kaneki is nowhere in sight. I shrug internally and get ready for bed. It is a night mission and after all the fuss, morning is almost coming. We all deserve some sleep. Even that little white headed devil.

I lie on my bed wide awake. I know I am tired, but something keeps my eyes wide open as I stare at the ceiling spacing off. 

This will not do.

I swing my legs over my bed and leave my room.

Why can't I sleep? 

I walk to the living room, it is dead silent and dark as if something will jump out of the shadows just as in the horror movies. But of course, I will just stab the thing that dares to jump out and scare me.

I continue to walk, goosebumps creeping up my neck as I glance cautiously at my surroundings. 

I breath a sigh of relief when I reach the door going to the roof. Someone put their hand on my shoulder- 

I jump, shrug the hand off and swing the door open. What is that annoying scream that is ringing in my ea-

I immediately clam my mouth shut and stop running. I look back at the stupid person who scared me. 

Kaneki. The bastard who is laughing and giggling like an idiot currently to embarrass me more.

I storm back to him and smack his head. He grabs my hand before it hits his head.

"I am sorry for scaring you." Tears linger at the corner of his eyes, he is still laughing. He is not sorry at all.

Despite that, it brings a smile to my face. I am so glad my assumption is wrong. He is not cold, not emotionless. He still have the capability to smile and laugh. He still have the ability to feel. I wonder...

In the midst of all my thoughts, I almost didn't realize that I am being led to the roof. But instead of gripping my wrist, he is holding my hand. I stare at it. I wonder...

When we arrive at the edge, he releases my hand. And I mentally hit myself for feeling a pang of disappointment. He leans on the railing, looking at a distant unknown. Wind caresses his face, his white hair moves slightly but never out of place. 

"Can't sleep because of the deal?" He asks out of the blue.

I nod. But I realize he wouldn't be able to see it because he isn't looking at me. Another trap for me to speak. 

"Me too." He sigh.

"Why are you so stubborn? If you speak now, we don't have to fight. But if you insist, I will gladly oblige, because I know I will win." Finally, he turns his head and stares at me seriously with his grey eyes. I return the stare just as serious.

You won't. And even if you do win at the end, I will make sure it is hard earned for you. 

He chuckles quietly. "But then, your stubbornness is one of the things I like about you. It makes you a great team member to have, sometimes." 

Another pang of disappointment makes my jaws tighten. I know I like him, but please, stop with all these feelings of disappointment because I should never expect him returning the feelings at the end.

"Anything you need to know about tomorrow's spar? Rules?" 

I make a gesture. Hand to hand combat or kagune?

He cocks his head to the side and feigns confusion. "What? I don't understand. If you don't have any questions, then I suggest you to go to bed. Because tomorrow you are going to need all the concentration and strength. I don't want a sloppy opponent."

He walks off with his hands in his pockets, leaving me fuming on the roof.


	32. Intimidation: XXXII(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes: 
> 
> Let's see if I can reach 20 kudos. XD (it's 18 now)

Intimidation: XXXII

The next day has finally come when I can beat up the little white haired pup.

I rise with the sun, getting only approximately four hours of sleep. I know it's not enough, but I can't sleep anymore. I don't feel sleepy at all, and it's impossible to sleep again anyway. I stretch like a cat on my bed and look at my surroundings. The door of my room is slightly ajar.

Did I not close my door last night? I remember clearly I slam the door close, not caring if I disturb others because I am just that angry. Probably bringing a satisfied smirk on Kaneki's face as he has successfully angered me again. Maybe the impact of the slam causes it to open.

Whatever.

I stumble to the bathroom to brush my teeth, colliding with another person. I look up, seeing an unfamiliar face.

Immediately awake, I leap backwards by instinct. My ukaku out and pointing at the throat of this intruder.

"Calm down, Xandra! It's me. Ichimi." He holds both his hands up. So that's his name?

I take him in. I have never seen the followers taking off their masks, I shouldn't be surprised they have to take off their masks to do things. But I have never thought a follower of Banjou would be that... young.

This guy who has spiky black hair, doesn't look older than thirty when Banjou looks like he is approaching forty. He doesn't have eyes as big as Kaneki's, or rather, he is quite average.

"What's going on here?" Kaneki's voice brings me back to the present.

"Nothing... Kaneki. I surprised Xandra, that's all."

I lower my ukaku slowly, it retracts back into my back as I continue to examine the person in front of me.

"Really?" Kaneki looks at him suspiciously.

"Yes." He answers.

I have no time to listen to their conversation because my bladder is going to explode. I push past the male in front of me and close the bathroom door.

I walk out again a few minutes later, heading straight to my bedroom for a change of clothes. I choose the usual baggy pants and T-shirt, and leave the house where everyone is drinking their morning cup of coffee at the table.

"Xandra, are you going out? Where are you going?" It is Ichimi.

I nod.

"I will go out with you."

I shrug. Whatever. I am just going for  a jog.

"But don't you want a cup of coffee first?"

I look at their cups of black substance in distaste, it's bitter and leaves a sour taste in my mouth, why do they even like it?

"Trying to escape?" And in comes the proud king of our little kingdom of seven people.

I ignore him and walk out of the apartment with the follower scurrying behind me like a little puppy. I start to jog down the stairs. It is a good thing that the windows are all opened. Not the stuffy staircase back in my home back in the Twentieth ward.

My home...

My bracelet is long gone. I wonder how Yuki's been. Does she know what happened to Hoshi? What happened to me? Does she know along with Hoshi, there was another kid that would surely bicker day and night with her if they were to meet.

I sadden at the thought, they will never meet.

After I reach the lowest floor, I jog back up again to the highest floor. I repeat this twice more and leave the building, jogging in the lonely streets. Shops are still closed, there aren't many people who wakes with the sun after all. It is at this time of the day, I feel at peace. There aren't honks or shouts and screams, just silence and occassionally bird chirping to praise for arrival of the next day.

I look back momentarily to see the follower hardly able to keep up with me. His breath is ragged. But of course, breathing in a mask isn't exactly the easiest thing.

I sprint back to our base. He is momentarily stunned, but quickly recovered as he sprint behind me, still lagging behind. I jog up the stairs again, arriving at the door to wait for him.

"Now- I know why- you are so- strong, Xandra." He bend on his knees to catch his breath again.

I open the door and head straight for the bathroom. I shortened the time for morning exercise because he is already gasping for breath halfway through. And it might be a good thing to reserve some energy for the spar. Kaneki's moves are strong and precise, he always have a strategy. He lures people into the places he wanted to then bash them with powerful moves. He has insanely fast regenerative abilities, just as I do. What is his weakness then?

I walk to the sink, washing my hands and face. Then I blindly grab for a towel. Someone hand it to me. After I dry the water on my face, I look up to the person who helped me.

I am so engross in my thoughts that I didn't know I stumbled into an occupied bathroom. I leap back in reflex for the second time of the day, using my towel to lash at Kaneki.

"I help you get your towel and that's how you repay me?" He stands with his hands on his hips. He is half naked with only a towel to cover his lower part. I avert my eyes.

Why didn't I notice? The fragrance of shampoo and body wash. The sounds of water falling down. The steamy environment. This is so embarrassing.

Shaking my head, I change my thoughts. What is his weakness? I squint my eyes at him. He is still as smug, though his smirk falters a bit when he sees that I am no longer in my embarrassed phase.

I hold my chin thoughtfully. What are my strengths over him?

I know it.

I throw my towel onto his chest, it falls onto his chest with a 'plat' sound. It will help him cover some skin. I pass him with a smirk of my own.

The door is closed with a small click.

I walk away with my heart leaping to my throat and my head throbbing. The aftermath of barging into occupied bathroom and pretending as if I have done nothing wrong. I sigh and smile slightly.

Then, I stroll into the kitchen for water. A bright yellow memo paper is stuck onto the wall.

 _5:00p.m. at training ground._  
_-Kaneki_

At least his penmanship is still the same.

I tear the paper off the wall and crumble it in my hand. I wonder if anyone will be watching our fight. It will be truly interesting to see.

It doesn't really matter if I am talking or not, what matters the most is if I am able to beat Kaneki. It's a battle for face. If he wins, I will lose face. If I win, he will do one thing for me.

I am more of a 'if I am sure I can't win, I will turn tail and run' person. But there are fights that cannot be avoided.

I won't let him win.

I spend most of the day on the roof. I sit at the edge, feet dangling in the air and watching birds flying away. I wait for the sun to go down.

What is Kaneki doing? Is he training? Eating? Reading?

Talk about reading, I have never seen Kaneki reads other books except martial arts books anymore. Does he still like Takatsuki Sen? I remember him looking longingly at the book she published a few months ago. Does he have it? Does he still want it?

I leap down from the edge and go into the house. Maybe I can have a peek in Kaneki's room to see if he has the book. His birthday is coming anyway, if I remember correctly. If not, I can just give it to him as a gift for some lame make-up reasons.

I glance at the clock on the wall in the corridor, I still have ten minutes before the spar.

I peek into his room. I can't believe my eyes. It's so tidy. Then, opposite to his bed, is the book shelf where it is almost filled. Maybe I should just buy him a new bookshelf.

I walk in and close the door quietly. My gaze goes down from the highest level of books. Martial arts. Martial arts. Martial arts.

Then at the bottom, a book catches my eyes. The Black Goat's Egg.

_While thinking who I should eat, I stumble into another person._

_He falls onto the floor, his book lying next to him, the pages surely crumbled a bit, I hope it's not torn._

_"I am really sorry." He lifts himself up and I retrieve his book._

_"It-it's fine. I am sorry too, I wasn't looking." He chuckles nervously while holding his book to his chest._

_He has black hair, just like the majority of the students in this place, Kamii University._

_"Is your book okay? It's not damaged or anything, right?" I glance curiously at the book, the Black Goat's Egg._

I sigh for the millionth time of the day. I miss the old Kaneki. The Kaneki now makes my emotions go from one extreme to another extreme, I can be intimidated by him one second, than I am extremely glad for him the next. What I sorely missed is stability.

I straighten myself again. Why am I even buying him things in the first place?

I leave his room and head towards the training ground with the intent to win.


	33. Intimidation: XXXIII(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes
> 
> :D nothing else to say. Enjoy!

Intimidation: XXXIII

I look around the training ground. It is actually just an unused underground tunnel that is rumoured to be made by ghouls for them to escape from the humans.

I chuckle. _To escape from humans._

"Waiting for long?" Kaneki's voice echoes behind me.

I turn to face him, not giving any answer.

"I told them not to come, I assume neither of us want to be embarrassed in front of them."

I raise my eyebrow. The only person who will be embarrassed is you, Kaneki.

"Let's start then." He cracks his index finger. Scenes of _that_ time fills my head, I try to push them down. But it's all coming back to me.

Focus. He was already long gone. The person in front of you is Kaneki, not Yamori. Yamori is dead. Kaneki killed Yamori. Yamori is dead.

I grit. Kaneki sprints towards me, Yamori's shadow runs next to him. They become closer and closer to each other, until they merge into one. Kaneki is gone, instead in his place, is the person I never wanted to see again.

All I can feel is fear. Fear for my life. Fear for the lives of people I cared about. I can't save Kaneki at that time. I failed him. I failed.

Calm down. Yamori is dead.

I side step at the last second before Kaneki can land his hit on me. I back flip to keep some distance between me and him. Short range attacks against Kaneki is not very advantageous for me. I should do long range attacks, but I have only shards as my long range attack. And shards are not as powerful as my slices. What should I do?

Taking advantage when I am thinking, Kaneki strikes again. This time I didn't react fast enough. I fly and hit my back on the wall, it leaves a dent as I slide down slowly. Dazed from the recent attack, I barely manage to move out when he decides to punch me into the wall again.

"Focus, Xandra. And stop spacing out. You are making this too easy for me." Kaneki growls.

His voice snaps me out of my little bubble. My head clears as if nothing has happened, the hallucinations fade away as Kaneki charges towards me again. My legs, as if they have a mind of their own, runs towards him. Before he can hit me, I side step and kick his back.

"Good. But not strong enough." He lands on his feet and slides backwards until he halts to a stop.

I wonder if the ceiling of this tunnel is dark enough for me to hide. This is going to be extremely difficult.

We clash again, limbs to limbs. I block his kick with my arm. My jaw tighten again, its so strong my arm almost broke. I push his leg away and punch his gut. He grabs and flips my arm, it pops out of the socket. While he is enjoying my feigned painful expression, I punch his face. He stumbles back and releases my arm. I pop it into place again.

I stare him down while he does the same, both of us breathe heavily. Surprising him, I turn around and run towards the giant pillar that suppots the whole place. He chases behind me. Even though he is fast, I still have my agility as my advantage. I leap up and reach the ceiling with my kagune imbeded into the concrete before he can reach the base of the pillar. He summons his kagune.

I flick shards at his direction. He blocks them and one of the tentacle shoots towards my area. I move out of place, and send shards his way occasionally as I move from places to places.

Maybe it is working.

His back is facing me, this is my chance. As silent as the wind, I push myself off the wall and curl myself in midair. He will never expect it. The edge of my kagune thins. I close my eyes, other senses sharpen.

I listen to the whistle of the wind next to my ears, feel the pull of gravity as it takes me nearer and nearer to my target.

He will never expect it, unless-

My spin is stopped when my kagune hits something just as hard. I open my eyes immediately to find another pair staring at me. He grins widely. I uncurl and leap back.

"Got you."

Before my feet can touch the ground, his kagune wraps around my ankles and wrists. My back hits the ground and force the air out of my lungs. All I can do is struggle.

He lowers himself until his face is hovering above mine, each of his hands beside my face.

"I have won."

My vision blurs and I blink harder. I can only see the shadow of his face becoming bigger and bigger.

It is gone as soon as it comes.

My eyes shoot open in surprise, while my voice sounds like claws scratching on wood. "What-what did you just do?" It tingles.

"Why are you crying?" Kaneki frowns, his eyes clouded by worries.

I don't know when his kagune releases its grip on my wrists and ankles. When I touch my eyes, tears keep flowing. I don't even know why, but the immense amount of grief I have kept up and pretended that it doesn't exist, suddenly burst out and stab me again and again. Maybe in my subconscious, I know if I open my mouth and use my voice, all I can do is cry and scream for their misfortune, for the loved ones I have lost.

I use my sleeves to wipe away my tears, but they keep coming. It is like the amount of tears I have stored up is enough for everyone in the world. Once it started, it cannot be stopped by others, only stopping when it runs out.

Kaneki rolls and sits next to me, not quite knowing what to do. I lift myself weakly, shoulders slumped and kneeling. I look at the tears as they drop like rain, darkening spots on the concrete. I can taste the saltiness of my tears, the sting on my face as they roll down my cheeks.

Kaneki stands up.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

Then I am all alone in the underground tunnel. The air is suddenly cold, the shadows seem to become longer as they stretch on the wall. Heart wrenching cries echo in the walls, I only realise that it was mine when I start to hiccup.

Time abandoned me as well. God knows how much time I kneel on the cold concrete and crying my eyes out. The person who finds me and hauls me back to the base is the person I have least expected.

Ichimi.

He didn't ask about anything, assuming he knows what has happened after seeing me in this state. Though me crying has nothing to do with losing, I still feel pathetic. I am put at the coffee table and given a glass of water.

"Thanks." I mutter.

"No problem."

I lift the glass as steadily as I can, trying not to drop it on the floor. The cool water washes down my throat soothingly, as if calming the black grief within. I sigh.

"So... are you feeling better?" He puts his hand behind his head. I see he hasn't worn his mask. I nod weakly.

He opens his mouth and closes it again. There is something he wants to ask but he decides against it. If he is not asking, then I am taking this chance.

"Why do you three aways wear your masks? It's so hard to recognise you guys even with the numbers." I blurt out, it is out of curiosity. But I immediately regret it, I sound so rude. I look down at my water. "Sorry."

"It's okay. It was an agreement between the three of us. It can help us keep our identity hidden. Since we are not that strong and we don't mess up with stuff, the CCG wouldn't pay much attention to us."

I nod, feeling a bit self conscious. After wailing and crying for so long, I finally feel like I am myself again. I have finally let go of the sadness that I have bottled up. I will miss Hoshi and Ame, and I know they, if there is afterlife, will miss me too.

My eyes are swollen and too warm.

"Thanks again, I think I am going to retreat to my room." I take the water with me.

"Good night." He calls out.

"Night." I walk quietly back to me room, but pausing at Kaneki's door.

It feels like a dream, but it did happen, right? I never know he likes me that way... But he left me after I started crying, so maybe he doesn't? Because if he does, why would he leave me all alone in the cold underground?

I shake my head. Whatever. I change my course to the bathroom. Luckily it isn't occupied this time, or else I would have stumbled into an awkward situation again. And I don't have the energy to face another one.

I take a short shower and wrap myself around a towel since I didn't bring any pyjamas with me. I peek outside the corridor. All clear. I tip toe to my room and close the door, feeling very proud of myself. Agent 12345 has successfully go from the bathroom to her room without being noticed.

I giggle at my own childishness as I shuffle around my small closet. The majority of the clothes I hanged are black hoodies and pants. I must look like an emo with all this dark matter. Finally, I find a pair of shorts and T-shirt, and slip them on.

Just as my head go through the hole in the T-shirt, someone opens my bedroom door.

"Xandra, I need to talk to you."


	34. Intimidation: XXXIV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :D

Intimidation: XXXIV

"There is something I have to apologise for." Kaneki enters my room and closes the door with a quiet click. He sits on my bed with his damp hair dripping water onto my mattress. At least he is not in his earlier attire.

I sit cross-legged on the floor, looking up to see his face but he refuses to meet my eyes.

"Apologise for what?"

He looks at his hands as if they are the most interesting thing on earth. I purse my lips, if he has something to apologise, at least look at the person in the eyes.

"I am sorry for earlier. I didn't know you will react like that... I thought you would be shocked, I might even earn a slap from you, but I didn't know it would make you cry... And I am sorry for doing that to you... It was sort of on impulse. I hope you will forgive me."

I struggle to keep my face straight.

"So you thought I cried just because you gave me a peck on the lips after you beat me?"

"It's not?" He asks hesitantly. I let the smile take over.

"Why should it be? As you have said, I would be shocked, I might even slap you. But I wouldn't cry like that just because of that. I can handle embarrassment better than you think."

The memory of the event earlier today surface. The out-of-place blush on his face tells me he is thinking of the same thing as well.

"About that... you are right." The mischief has returned.

We enjoy a brief silence before he breaks it again.

"So... you aren't angry?"

"Do I look like I am?"

"Always."

I roll my eyes. "I think I should be angry with you, but I am not. You should thank me."

He slides down the bed and sit on the floor just like I am. He takes my hands into his, suddenly turning serious.

"Thank you." He stares at me for a long time, as if deciding something. But in the end, he decided not to because he avert his eyes to the windows.

His voice echoes in my mind. _You can tell me, you know? All your worries, your thoughts. Because I am the leader, I have responsibility for everyone in my team._

With a sigh, I trace circles on the wooden floor. "It felt like I was letting go all the sadness I had bottled up in me since... their deaths."

He nods silently, looking sympathetically at me. If it were others who are giving me this look, I would be punching their guts.

"When they die, it was like my heart went with them. But now I know I still have a large piece in here," I gently pat my own chest. "There is still someone I have to live for." I smile slightly at the memory. It wasn't the happiest ones, but enough to warm my heart.

He leans back on the bed, looking at the ceiling. I huff and stand up to turn off the lights. The light from outside the window is enough to illuminate even the darker corners of my bedroom. Then I sprawl on the cool wooden floor, suddenly I am dead tired.

There is so many things I want to tell him, I want to pour my heart and soul and let him know my deepest fears, the happiest little things and just anything. But one question keeps pricking the back of my mind.

"How did you forsee my last attack?"

"Actually... I didn't."

My eyes narrow. He turns and looks at the window.

"It was pure coincidence. When I turned around, you were almost slicing my body in half. You did slice off my tentacles though." I sliced off his tentacles? I know my kagune hit something hard, but slicing off his kagune? And I am very sure that the thing that held me on the ground is his kagune.

"But I thought...?"

"I will them to loosely regenerate and curl them around your wrists and ankles. If you weren't in that position, you can easily dis-tentacle me." He swirls his finger in the air, and makes a chop in the air. Then he sighs and sprawls on the ground as well.

It is dead silent outside. How long have we been talking? I am tired but wide awake at the same time. What time is it?

I put an arm over my forehead.

"Dis-tentacle? Is that even a word?"

"No. But I thought you would pay more attention to 'that position'."

"What position?" I frown, but I immediately understand what he means. He starts to crawl towards me, I sit up suddenly and hold my hand in the air. "I know what you mean, please keep a fair distance away from me."

I scoot away from him until my side hit the wall. He stops his advances and lies back down again with a pout, I do the same without the pout.

I curse myself for over-reacting a bit. Nothing even happened. My heart isn't suppose race like that, it's late at night goddamn it. How am I going to sleep-

"I like you."

I feel like I am choking in giddiness.

"Yeah a lot of people like me. It's fine." I reply, pretending to be nonchalent about it.

"And... besides that... I told you there was something I wanted to tell you about, didn't I?"

I get no reply but I continue anyway.

"The day we got out of that wretched place, when we were flying to rescue Touka and Nishiki, I told you there was something I need to tell you. But due to the circumstances at that time, I planned to tell you after we all escape, but something came up, so I forgot about it." I didn't really forget about it, it was just that I was too occupied in sulking and being gloomy over Hoshi and Ame's deaths that I never brought up the topic.

How can I forget? One can forget anything but emotions.

"If I understand your 'like' correctly," I take in a shaky breath, here goes nothing. "I think we share mutual feelings." I look away from the ceiling and turn my head to an awkward angle to peer at him. So he has been staring at me with wide eyes all along, it's creepy but cute at the same time. I turn to my side with my head resting on my arm, my neck can take no more. My other hand reach over to touch his white hair, it's still wet.

"You know, you will get a headache if you don't dry those white fur of yours." I yawn.

He cups my face, the heat from his palm passes to my cheek. He is surprisingly warm for a pale person.

"Is it true?" Hope and disbelief taint his eyes.

I nod faintly.

"At first I thought, I might not be the right person for you, because two different broken pieces doesn't make one whole, does it? But who cares now? You are not broken, I am not broken. We heal over time, so I abandoned my silly belief."

His smile is infectious, and doing things to my poor heart. Despite that, I hope he can smile more. I have only known this White Kaneki for his ruthlessness, but he has proven himself to be more than just a cold killer.

Though he is smiling widely, he sounds like he is going to cry. "For the first time since a long time, I am really happy. Thank you." He releases his grasp on my face and pulls me closer by the waist. I can feel a blush creeping up from my neck. 'Fair distance' flies out the window and beyond. I stare at the white T-shirt he is wearing.

His arm drapes over my waist heavily, but it doesn't bother me one bit. I feel like I belong somewhere instead of wandering around, doing what I am told to do. 

Slowly and finally, sleep finds me.

"What am I going to do without you?" He whispers.

"Dry your hair..." I close my eyes.


	35. Intimidation: XXXV(unedited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:
> 
> Thanks for the kudos XD  
> Enjoy.

Intimidation: XXXV

My back is freezing, but my front is incredibly warm. Did I turn so much at night that my blanket slip away? But I was so tired that I am sure I wouldn't have moved much. And there is this weird pillow that I am hugging, it's not soft or fluffy, it's closer to a brick. I try to flip onto my back, but I immediately pause as the incredible ache on my side hit me.

I open my eyes drowsily.

So much white, there is this white cloth right in front of my face. Why is it moving? It expands and contracts slowly and steadily, just like breathing movemen-

My eyes slowly trail up to see Kaneki's chin. I fight the urge to jump away and waking him up in the process. I hold my breath unconsciously and look around. My leg is swung over his waist during my sleep. To put it simply, I am hugging him like a koala bear. Slowly, I pry my limbs off his body while wincing. I swear I will never sleep on the floor again.

I scoot away from him and support myself up with my better arm. My left side feels like it's bruised all over.

Kaneki is still sleeping soundingly. I hope he doesn't wake up with an aching side like me, because it sucks.

I grab a pillow from my bed, lift his head gently and slip it under. He snuggles deeper into the pillow.

Right at that moment, he is no different from a little child.

I stand up and grit my teeth, stupid floor. I am going for my bedroom door when I hear a yawn. I look back to see Kaneki looking around with half lidded eyes, as clueless as I was a few moments ago.

"Morning." I say quietly and walk back to him. Kaneki looks at the source of voice and realization reaches him. However, he makes no hint that he will leave or do anything.

He turns on his back and sighs. "Was I dreaming last night, or did I somehow fell asleep here when I tried to talk to you?"

I try to subdue my grin. "Huh? What dream? My sleep was dreamless."

He stares at me briefly, before turning on his back. "Ah... It's not real then." He says disappointedly.

"Silly. That's because it's not a dream." I laugh lightly.

"Huh? But you are wearing different clothes."

This time, I am confused.

"What different clothes?"

Then a blush creeps up to his face. I scowl at him.

"Nevermind, what you are referring to is a dream. And the real me has no part of it." I click my tongue, I can almost be sure that the content of his dream is nothing good. "I thought you were talking about our heart to heart talk last night, but it seems you have other things in your brain." I mutter in my breath.

Just as I  about to turn around, he says quietly. "Come here." I obey.

I crouch in front of him. It is impossible to see anything beneath the white shirt and black pants, but his exposed arms have subtle freakish blue veins as if they are crafted onto him. As I raise my hand to poke him, he grabs my hand instead and pulls. I fall onto him, now my ribs hurt in addition to my aching side. I groan in pain.

My voice is muffled because my face planted right on his shoulder. "You know, this is painful and not romantic at all." And every breath is difficult.

He shift until his is directly underneath me, puts his arms over my back and clamp me with his legs.

"Let go of me, doofhead." I struggle but to no avail. His strength is not just all talk after all, and gravity is on his side today.

"Too good of a thing to hug." He sigh happily, and hug tighter.

"I can't breathe." I really can't breathe... freely.

"But you can talk."

Stubborn person. I feel like a dead fish as I wonder if he is really the right person for me. What if he does that at night and suffocate me to death?

Wait, why am I even thinking about sleeping next to him?

A voice comes from the door. "Xandra? About last night, are you alright?" Both of us freeze. I think he might be the follower. I need to thank him for helping me get back when this doofhead left me all alone down in the underground.

"No- Er.. Yes. I am quite alright." I push myself off Kaneki, this time he lets me go. I stand up and wrinkle my nose at him.

"Can I come in?" I glance briefly at the person that is still lying on my bedroom floor. His eyes narrows at the door. What's wrong with him now?

"About that... I think you better not because I am still in my pajamas and... I look hideous in the morning. So I will see you later?"

"Alright. See you later then." Then the footsteps fade away. It is only when I am completely sure the corridor is silent when I start to talk again. I put my hands on my hips.

"Okay, get out of here now, and unnoticed too. I don't want them to think we did something."

"Oh, but we did do something, didn't we?" His earlier expression changes to a smirking one.

I point accusingly at him. "You made me fall on you, and it fracking hurts. So get out." I pull him by the arm with all my might. I release my grip and he falls back onto the floor with an 'oof'.

He rubs the back of his head, I think he might have hit it on the floor. Oops. He pushes himself off the floor and stretches while saying, "you mean 'fall _for_ you'."

I roll my eyes and leave for the bathroom. After a few minutes, I walk into the living room with tired eyes. No matter how much water I splash myself with, I still look like a panda.

"Good morning Xandra!" Banjou greets me cheerfully from his newspaper. His swirly beard is making me dizzy.

"Morning, Banjou." I say tiredly.

He puts his newspaper down. "I am going out to buy coffee powder today, do you have anything you need?"

I shake my head. "It's okay, I will go with you. Just let me change."

"Alright then, I will wait for you at the door in ten?"

I nod. As I walk back to my room, I bump into Ichimi. He is not wearing his mask again. It certainly is weird, like a stranger suddenly decided to live in your home but you know who he is at the same time. It's a conflicting and unexplainable feeling.

"Hey. Thanks for yesterday night, you know... for hauling me back here."

He scratches his head and chuckle nervously, kind of reminding me how Kaneki was. "You're welcome."

I point my thumb to the door. "I am going to buy something with Banjou, I suppose you three are going as well?"

"Yeah of course."

I look at his spiky hair. Spiky things always catches my attention. I look away before I can embarass myself again.

I wave at him as if I didn't just stared at his hair with fascination. "See you then."

"See you." Then we part.

Now that I think of it, why isn't anyone wondering why I am talking all of a sudden? Really strange.

I throw the thought away as I change into my hoodie and pants. I rush into the bathroom and take a look at myself in the mirror, I need a haircut. I hold the ends of my hair, it is almost at my shoulder. As well as the bangs, they are almost ear length.

"Are you done yet?" Banjou shouts from outside and I jump.

"Coming!" I sprint towards the door.

"Hey, where are you guys going?" Kaneki asks as he dries his hair with a towel, I cannot differentiate between the towel and his hair anymore. For a split second, he splits into two images. But it was gone as soon as it comes. I shake off the weird feeling in my gut.

"Shopping." I reply emotionlessly.

"Yeah, the coffee powder is almost completely depleted." Banjou adds.

Kaneki nods and starts to walk away. Banjou and his three followers walk out of the door. Just as I am going to turn around, Kaneki turns back and winks. I cover my eyes and tries to hold my giggles.

His laugh, which tinkles around the house, is the last thing I heard before I close the door.


	36. Intimidation: XXXVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's do 40 kudos :D  
> Thanks for the kudos btw (currently 33)

Intimidation: XXXVI

I think I should have drunk some water before I leave the house. The weather is supposed to be cold, since it is december already. The snow should be falling, since the temperature has dropped so much. 

I follow Banjou and the others to the streets filled with cars and people.

The noises are getting incredibly loud.

I shrug uncomfortably. I will buy the book, and get back as soon as I can.

"I am going into that convenience store to stock up the coffee powder." Banjou points at the opposite of the road. I squint at the sign, it seems[A](https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/40502949/write/147488738#33686955) little too bright.

When my eyes finally focus, I nod.

I walk away silently. Suddenly I am not in mood to talk.

I turn a corner and walk into the book shop, the warm air hits me face first. It feels suffocating, but I will just have to bear with it. My head turn left and right in search for the category the book falls into.

Fiction. A horror fiction.

It's on the promotion stack for new books. It has already been a few months but it's still popular. I hum to myself.

I am not one with a mind that enjoys these kind of books. I don't understand them, and I am not interested in them either. I have once heard that you can know how a person is like by their choices, their actions and expressions, I suppose reading is one too? I have known Kaneki only a little bit more than a year, I have learnt a lot about him, but at the same time, I only know very little about him.

I take the book and caress the cover absentmindedly.

What does he find so intriguing in Takasuki Sen's books? What does he see that I don't see?

A poster is stuck on a foam board introducing the book. There is a book signing event coming. I wonder if Kaneki is interested. I remember back when I am still working in Anteiku, Hinami seems pretty interested in her books as well. Maybe they would want to go?

I shake my head. I should take a break from thinking too much, my head is starting to throb.

"Oh, um..." I start hesitantly. Talking to new people has always been my weak point. 

The lady looks at me kindly. "Yes?"

There is a question that always pops into my mind whenever I talk to strangers and they give me this look. Will they still smile like this if they know I am a ghoul? I chuckle to myself, it's too late to answer that. Of course they will, given how many people I have murdered, both ghouls and humans alike.

"I want to enquire about the book signing event. Do I buy the tickets here?" 

"Oh yes you can. How many tickets do you want to purchase?" She starts typing on the little computer in her counter.

"T-two please."

I pay for the book and the tickets and get out of the book store with a sigh of relief. It's so warm and dry in there, I feel like my skin is starting to crack. 

However, the cool temperature only provides temporary relief. It feels as if I am walking in a desert, my mouth is dry and my eyes is stinging. I rub them tiredly, even my arms aren't giving strength. I stumble back to where I am supposed to meet Banjou and the others.

I can see my own breath, but it never seems enough. I trip by my own feet, the ground is coming nearer and nearer...

"Woah, Xandra." Someone holds me up and something cool touches my forehead. "It's burning! We need to get you back immediately!"

Then an array of voices blur together.

 **_So annoying_ ** **.**

**My conscious is slipping. I feel like I am holding onto the side of a swimming pool, some monsters at the bottom is grabbing at my feet and trying to pull me down with them. These monsters have no faces, their claws are out to reach for me.**

The voices get louder.

"What the fuck is she doing?"

I hear screams.

 _ **Sharper**_.

What's happening? I can't see anything.

"She's becoming a kakuja!"

Kakuja?

"Why now?"

Does that mean I can't control myself?

"Call Kaneki now. Quick!"

_**Sharper. Sharper. Sharper.** _

_**The sharpest blade in the world will belong to me.** _

Kaneki?

Kaneki! The book and the tickets! I need to get it to Kaneki.

"Oh shit. She is flying away."

The voices die down as well as the irritation at the back of my head. I can't see where I am going, but I know I am going back to the base. I feel power surge through my veins, my heart redistributes it again.

Why so sudden? Is it the effects of consuming ghouls?

I hug my head. Suddenly, it seems like thousands of knives are digging their way out inside my skull.

_**It hurts. So, so much. Why do they do this?** _

Do what?

_**Why do they kill the people I love?** _

_**I** _ _**am just trying to protect myself, if I don't kill them, they will take away what's mine.** _

My feet touches the roof of the base gently. It feels like my soul has left my body, but everything is still clear. I can see and smell clearly, I can feel my body moving, but it is not in my control.

Kaneki bursts open from the door when the presence releases its hold on my body. I tumble to the ground, suddenly unused to the weight.

"What were you thinking!" Kaneki tries to help me up. The cold of the winter finally starts to seep into my bones.

I don't know.

Seeing my confused expression, his softens. His voice comes like a whisper.

"What are you holding?"

I look at the book in my death grip.

"It is crumbled this time." I mutter.

He pulls me up. "Huh-?"

"What today's date?" I smoothen out the crumble corners. The tickets are still tucked inside the cover safe and sound. 

It takes him a while to answer. "December 17th."

Two days from his birthday and a week from the signing event.

I pushes his hand off my arm gently, he frowns.

"Consider this an early christmas and birthday gift from me." I hand it to him, suddenly embarrassed. My hands shake in nervousness and excitement. I hope he likes it.

For a long time he doesn't speak. I have expected his reaction to be like this, not quite knowing what to say, for whatever reason it is. I just hope he likes it, not because someone gave him something but because he truly likes what he is given. 

Then, he regains his voice. "That wouldn't do." He chuckles. For a second, I can see the old Kaneki again. The nervousness he seems to always have and the polite aura that surrounds him, it had always calmed me. "I didn't even give you anything for your birthday, and you are giving one for mine..." 

I shake my head and laugh. "It doesn't matter, does it? I am not giving this gift and hoping you will give one back. And I have my birthday when I was in... there." I smile and hug him, holding him as close as I can because I can snatch some warmth from him. Then I become slightly guilty, so I release my hold. The warm layer of what seems like a blanket leaves me, immediately making me yearn for it again. 

"As for the 'happy birthday' phrase, I will tell you when it is  _really_  your birthday. And... I think you should call Banjou and the gang so that they can stop worrying." 

I try to press down my shivering, but my teeth start to chatter. I cross my arms in hope to insulate the heat that is quickly replaced by coldness.

"Let's head inside first." He wrap his arm around me as we both shiver. He pushes open the door for me. 

"Thank you." He hums. I lower my head to hide the smile. We walk down the stairs, the warmth of the base is starting to grow stronger and stronger. 

"I want you to train with me." 

"Inseparable, aren't we?" I joke.

"Yeah that's right. And I think it might be safer as well." We reach the living room.

"Safer?"

"I will explain later." He pulls his cellphone from his pants pocket and dial Banjou's number. Banjou's voice is so loud even I can hear it, though it is probably because of a ghoul's heightened senses.

"Have you seen Xandra yet? Do you think she is ok-"

"Calm down Banjou, Xandra is with me. She is alright now." Kaneki pulls the phone away from his ears and shove it to me. I look at him questioningly before accepting it in hesitance.

"Hi, Banjou-"

"XANDRA! GODDAMN IT, WE THOUGHT YOU HAVE LOST IT! WE WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!" He takes in a large breath and calms himself down. "Seriously, are you really okay? When you were going with us, you already seems a little bit pale but we thought it was because of the cold. We are sorry for leaving you alone too." I hear a series of 'yeah's from the background.

I laugh slightly. "Sorry for worrying you guys, I am really alright... I didn't do too much damage, did I?" 

"Oh yes... about that. No, you didn't." I breathe a sigh of relieve. "You just took off in front of all the people, and your kagune seems to be a little bit changed too."

"Changed? How?" I can't help but feel excitement bubble inside of me, but it quickly dies down when the truth reminded me. An uncontrolled kakuja is dangerous, even to the ghoul him or herself.

"I don't think I can find the right word to describe it, my dictionary isn't exactly that broad, but one thing is certain, you look more deadly." 

Should that be a good or a bad thing?

"Anyway, I think we still have things to pick up. So have a great time with Kaneki." Then the phone go off before I can say anything. My face immediately goes red, I slap my hands on my cheeks.

When I return the phone to him, he flips to another page of the new book I got him. He looks up and slips the phone back into his pocket.

"So, where did we left off?"


	37. Intimidation: XXXVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh. Update :)

I sit opposite to Kaneki. He has used the tickets as his bookmark, his fingers entwined together casually on the book.

It is silent as both of us don't know where to start, because there are simply more than one topic that we left off.

"Since when did you start cannibalising?" He breaks the silence as he stares at me intently and curiously.

"I don't know when. It has been on and off. I eat people I dislike." People that is inferior to me but had intimidated me in the past, I eat them. Because I feel like I have conquered my irrational fear of them, and I am not a coward who will lose my wits and stutter in front of these people. I hate to be scared. So in order to not be scared, I swallow the source of my fear. At least I faced them, right?

"Remind me not to become someone you dislike." He laughs slightly, I smile too but continue seriously.

"Taste don't usually matter to me. So when I am on the brink of death, I can still hunt without losing my mind at the smell of human flesh."

His smiles fades and his lips purse thoughtfully. I remember the day when his ghoul hunger first strikes, he was screaming bloody hell. I pitied him, but I was unable to do anything but watched at a distance.

"So what he said is correct."

"He?"

"The bastard whom I ate." He grins maliciously. This expression alarms me, my muscles tighten in their own accord to prepare for an escape.

"He can control his kakuja form, right?"

"Yes."

"I can't." I lower my head shamefully. It is as if another being has taken over my body, but somehow I know it was just me all along. The forgotten, evil part of me that is buried but managed to dig its way to the surface.

"And that's why I told you to train with me." He lifts himself from his seat and walk towards me, embracing me and places his chin on my head. It is uncomfortable at first, but soon I get used to it.

I speak into his shirt. "Don't kid me. Even though it is not my intention to hurt you, I might, especially when I..."  
He tenses in anticipation for my next words.

"When I care for you more than a friend. I can't control my kakuja, and you should know it is difficult to beat a ghoul who has obtained this form."

He shakes his head in amusement. "I disarmed one, didn't I?"

"Even so-"

"I want to obtain the kakuja form as well. So we can cause harvoc together as we train."

"Is that so..."

Are your intentions same as my old ones? To obtain power to protect the people you love? I believe Kaneki isn't a greedy person, in fact he might even be a generous one. He wouldn't greed for power, would he?

I wrap my arms around his waist, loving the feeling of someone in my arms. A living person instead of just a teddy bear or any lifeless doll. A person who returns his feelings to me intead of the one-way emotions from the master to its toys.

"Kaneki, good to see you." A voice I haven't heard for a few days suddenly appear. I want to jump away, but Kaneki's grip remains firm.

"Tsukiyama." He greets back emotionlessly. Up to this day, I am still not used to how Kaneki can change his face so quickly.

I sigh, at least my face is hidden in Kaneki's shirt.

"Ah... Did I disturb something?"

"Yes. No. Tell me what you have found." It seems the winter coldness has seeped into Kaneki's voice.

Then, the gourmet's voice turns serious.

"They are in the 6th Ward."

"Good. Let's pay them a visit, shall we?"

I am highly confused, so I push myself away from Kaneki.

"What are you guys talking about?"

The gourmet smirks and says tauntingly, "you didn't know?"

As if he has triumphed against me.

"Why else would I ask?" I glare at him.

Both of them remain silent. What is it that I can't know? Does he rather trust the gourmet than me, or is it because he doesn't think I am capable enough? My face turns blank to hide my disappointment and anger.

Why do things always have to take a turn like this? Even though me giving him a gift and this mysterious thing they are talking about are not related, but I can't help but compare. For the longest time, I am once again happy. But now I am filled with doubts and disappointment again, perhaps not towards myself but others.

It feels like I am competing with the gourmet for Kaneki's affection and attention. It's stupid. Why am I even comparing myself with him?

I breathe a sigh and turn away from them.

"Go do whatever you are going to do, I will be waiting here in the base."

"You should join us, Xandra." Kaneki puts his hand on my shoulder.

"No, its fine. As long as you promise you will tell me what's going on later, you can go do whatever it is that you aiming to do. Everyone is their own master anyway..." I force a smile on my face, "and I think I need to rest a bit from today's events. So, see you later."

I walk mindlessly into my room, I am starting to feel the effects of activating a kakuja. I feel like I have been starving for a long time. But I don't want to go out and hunt, lest I summon my kakuja unknowingly again.

I fall onto my bed and bounce a little before it settles. I am drained, both mentally and physically. If someone could bring me food, that would be awesome. But that's not going to happen, isn't it?

I sigh again and reminise.

It feels like I was slowly being roasted from the inside before my kakuja forms. Did _that_ person feel like that when he activate it? Or is it just me?

I heard a voice, it was no doubt mine but still a little different from my voice now. It has a higher pitch. Like... a child. Perhaps my brain projected this kakuja as my child form? I know I have lived some painful memories in the past, but I am done with it.

Or am I? Am I just lying to myself, thinking that I have put down the burden of the past?

I can't remember anything before I lived with this human and the Bin brothers. The time I had spent living a unglorious life seemed like infinity to me at that time, but it's just a blur now.

All I can remember is how the brothers sit at a corner, huddling closer to each other for warmth and comfort when I got no one. The human pulled my hair and forced my head into the rubbish bin with rotten food, shoving them into my mouth. I was so weak at that time, but I wanted to fight for my freedom as I watched the birds outside, leaving us all behind. I duelled with the human, I challenged his authority. But I kept losing.

Until one day.

Suddenly, all I could think of that day was to sharpen my kagune.

Sharper.

Sharper. Until it was like a blade. Then I could plunge it into his pathetic human body and leave him bleeding to death without the ability to regenerate like us ghouls.

I huddled in my corner to wait for the right moment, the right chance to get back my freedom. My head dropped as if I was submitting to him. Then when he laughed with a sick twist and reached out his hand to pull my ear, I pushed myself up. My kagune had already pierced from his stomach, his blood slid down my kagune and dripped onto the floor midway.

He cursed me.

And died.

At that time, I was in my teens. Just 4 years ago.

Even though he had consistently pulled my hair, forced me to eat rubbish and physically abused me, he provided education. I can read, I know how to do maths all because he allowed me to learn. And because he allowed me to learn, I could read books and learn about 'freedom'.

Freedom.

The most abstract word in the world that leads to debates everywhere. But it all has something to do with the actions and the will of the being. Can I do what I want? How do I get what I want?

All I know was that I had to kill him to get back my freedom.

Sometimes violence does get you somewhere, does it not? Like kicking the vending machine when the drink is not coming down, it might even drop two.

I sigh for the millionth time. I might die very soon, because excessive sighing is said to shorten one's life.

Slowly, I wander into unconsiousness..


	38. Intimidation: XXXVIII(unedited)

He called Banjou and he has been waiting him to join them as they visit the ghouls in the 6th ward.

Recently, the Aogiri has brought out an assault in the CCG prison camp. And the leader of the 6th ward is one of the prisoners of the camp.

The 6th ward ghouls don't know their leader was captured, but the ghouls in that ward are like ants without their Queen ant. And in this case, the King ant.

If he can forge an alliance with the 6th ward while keep distance between each other, he might find the answers to the questions that has been scorching in his mind for so long.

Firstly, he will give information little by little to gain their trust.

Their leader Orca has the same surname as Rize. And this is an essential step to find more about Rize, the person who gave him his abilities.

Since Rize seemed to have more than one names, she must have resided in 6th ward before. After all, she travelled to a lot of different wards when she was still alive.

If he can persuade these ghouls to work with him, he will be one step closer to the answers.

Banjou's voice brought him out of his thoughts

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

"Alright, let's go in." He is wearing his centipede eyepatch. Weirdly, he likes centipedes. Somehow he feels like he and the centepede are quite alike, even after before eaten inside out by one before.

They have something in common.

They walk into the base of the 6th ward ghouls which is at the back of the building with two flights of stairs to climb.

He knocks on the door.

"Who is it?" A male voice says roughly.

"An group of ghouls who searches for the 6th ward's alliance." He replies simply. He doesn't want to tell their names yet, he doesn't know if he can trust these people.

"What is it that you want from us?" Comes the voice again behind the door. Kaneki remains calm even though he knows Banjou and even Tsukiyama wants to punch down the door and walk in. But this is not how things is done, isn't it?

"Isn't your leader missing?" The bait is set.

He hear feverish whisperings, but since Xandra is not here, it is impossible to know what they are talking about. He frowns a bit when he thinks of Xandra, he is worried about her. What was she thinking about when she refused? How is she doing in the base? She did look a bit pale just now.

He looks down slightly, he hopes she is doing fine. Ichimi, Jiro and Sante are back in the base so if she is in trouble, someone can help her. Only this makes him slightly relieved of his worries.

The reply from the door only comes after a minute. Aren't they too obvious?

"What? What are you talking about? Our leader is here."

"Oh really... Then I must come in, I have something I must ask him. Only he can help me."

"If you tell us who you are, we will let you come in."

"I am Kaneki, and with me are Banjou and Tsukiyama."

The door opens to reveal a man who wears like a teen in rebellion depite his age, and a fashionable woman with sunglasses on.

"I will ask again, what do you want from us?" The man takes a defensive stance.

"Can we talk inside?" Kaneki chuckles nervously, even though he isn't.

"Please come in. But know that if we find that you are against us, we will kill you." The woman speaks from behind.

"Mademoiselle, don't worry, we are only here to exchange information." Tsukiyama bows slightly.

Both of them looks at Tsukiyama suspiciously.

"We know better than to trust a gourmet."

"Oho, you can definitely trust a gourmet to lead you to heavenly food and entertainment."

One look from Kaneki and the gourmet knows he needs to shut up, but his charming smile remains radiant on his lips.

"Please follow us to the meeting room." The woman repeats as she lead them in a corridor. The man narrows his eyes and follows her unwillingly.

Kaneki grins slightly.

They arrive at a door. The woman produces a random key and unlocks the door, seeing them inside before entering the room herself.

A bar with wine glasses hanging upside down is set at the side of the room. A bartender that looks about fifty stand behind the bar.

"Do it quick. What do you want to ask our leader?"

The man slumps onto the sofa and glare at them.

Kaneki sits at a comfy looking chair, elbows sitting on his knees. He closes his hands thoughfully.

"How about you guys tell us your names first?"

***

**Why?**

**Why are there blood all over my hands? Who did I kill? Why did I kill?**

**In the plain of dead grass and rodents, a body lies ahead.**

**Who is it?**

**Stepping cautiously through the wilted plants, I see the blood seeping into the bodies. My feet continues as I frown at the phenomenon. Bit by bit, the glass looks healthier. The rabbits seems to gain their original colours.**

**But the horror is yet to come. Finally, the body from far ahead is now in front of me.**

**A woman?**

**She is lying there with no wounds but pouring blood. Her feet is bare, and a toe is missing on her left foot.**  
**Questions fill my head.**

**Who is she? Is she a random person or someone I once knew?**

**Why...**

**doesn't she have a face?**

**A blur of blackness represented the features on her face. Her face is like a horrible picture drawn by children. Disfigured and displaced nose and mouth, and hollow sockets.**

**I can no longer look. I lean my head back and take a deep breath, trying to calm my stomach. After looking at scattered entrails for so many times, I can't stare at a woman's face for more than a minute.**

**Where is this place? A place so peaceful and quite yet filled with the stench of death.**

**I kick the woman's arm slightly, I avoid looking her face and hope that she will disappear magically.**

**"What am I doing here?" I wonder aloud.**

**No one answers me of course.**

**This is the weirdest dream I have ever had. I fall on my bottom with a huff and run my fingers through my short black hair out of frustration. The rabbits and other field animals start to twitch. I wrinkle my nose in disgust and annoyance.**

**I hear something piercing through flesh. I turn to the source of the sound. To my surprise, my kagune aren't wings anymore. Or should I say, they aren't even my kagune. They are the ones I can easily recognize, their image is imprinted in my brain.**

**They are Kaneki's kagune.**

**The rabbit that is still impaled in midair, gives a final twitch before becoming ash.**

**"Powerful, aren't they?" A voice I recognize as my own speaks from behind me. I turn to look at the person.**

**"Kaneki?" My real voice raises a few degrees in uncertainty. Why is Kaneki speaking at my voice?**

**"Look at your's." Suddenly, my wings grow from his back. I look at them in awe, that's the first time I have seen them from other people's point of view. Violet wings with pulses that seems to scream power. But my mood is quickly dampened by his following words.**

**"They are so weak."**

**I choke. "W-what?"**

**"Don't make me repeat myself. How do you even think you can win me at that dual? So naive." He chuckles.**

**I growl at him. "Shut up. I might not be strong, but I am not weak."**

**"Oh really? Prove it then." He gestures me to him. "Let's have another dual." He smirks.**

**I gap at him.**

**He wants me to dual with him with our kagune exchanged? But I don't know how to use his! I don't know any of the techniques! It's like forcing a farmer to go fishing with a spear. Moreover, if I have to prove that my kagune is stronger, that means I have to lose?**

**"No. I know my kagune isn't weak and I don't need to prove it to anyone." I stand my ground.**

**"You don't have a choice!" He unleashes the shards at me at incredible speed, one that I haven't even achieved yet.**

**He laughs. "Continue to think in that direction and you will know why Kaneki is stronger than you as a person, it's not just because he has a stronger kagune that earns his victory against you. You, as a person, is weak."**

**I grit my teeth.**

**He slices while I block with the tentacles. My back strains in effort as he slams onto my fleshy shield.**

**"Why are you hiding? Are you that scared that you might die in your own dream?" He taunts.**

**He slams onto me from above with all his might. I stumble back and give him an opening to point my own kagune at my throat.**

**"'Check mate." His kagune dissipates.**

**With a sudden surge of bravery, I let my mouth run off. "I am not weak, but I am not strongest. I don't care about being the strongest, I only care about being strong enough to protect the people I love. So it doesn't matter if I am stronger or weaker than Kaneki."**

**The Kaneki in front of me shows his canines in his grin. "Well said." He lowers the wings.**

**"Shall I teach you how to sharpen your blades then?"**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:  
> Sorry for not updating for so long *.*'  
> Summer holiday is ending and there is so much to do (aka. Homework)
> 
> Anyways,
> 
> In Xandra's dream, do you know why her another conscious (that taunts her and steps on her pride) takes in the form of Kaneki?
> 
> If you have an idea, you are welcomed to comment :D
> 
> As for the dead woman Xandra seems to have forgotten after seeing Kaneki, where do you think she comes from? A random person or someone from Xandra's past? What relation could she have with Xandra?


	39. Intimidation: XXXIX

I wake up panting like I have done a hundred sit ups, ran a few miles at top speed and whatever other torturous exercises my imagined Kaneki has forced me to do in my dream.

My hand automatically reach to pinch the bridge of my nose, something I have developed as a habit recently.

What time is it?

I sit up and feel the rush of blood from my head, the world spins and a white blanket covered my vision momentarilly. I take in a large breath and close my eyes, waiting for the world to stop pivoting around me.

A stench of sweat reaches my nose. I lift my arm and sniff. Ugh. Defintely need a bath. Or a shower at least, since there is no bathtub.

I stumble off my bed, struggle for my jellied legs to walk. I remembered my dream as if it were just another piece of my memory. It has a distant feeling to it, but very real nevertheless.

**"Shall I teach you how to sharpen your blades then?"**

**"My blades...?"**

**He rolls his eyes, I purse my lips in return.**

**"I mean your kagune in kakuja form."**

**"I don't even know how it looks like and your description is so vague and..." I ramble on and try to defend myself for not knowing the obvious, but it only make me look more stupid, so I clam my mouth shut.**

**"Na-ah-ah." He puts his finger lightly on my lips, my heartbeat speeds up involuntarily and I scowl at myself. This is not even real.**

**"You have a lot to learn. First off, shut your mouth and don't let your mouth run off. No one honestly cares about it, so shut it." He holds his index finger up.**

**What a mean subconscious. Now I want to beat the crap out of him. Seeing his smirk, he probably finds my thoughts funny since he is actually a part of me.**

When I reach the living room, I immediately fall on a chair and heave a big breath, rubbing my eyes violently to rub off the drowsiness.

"Xandra, you are awake! How are you feeling?" Jiro asks with relief.

"As if I died and woke up again." I mutter tiredly.

**"So how do I 'sharpen my blades' then?" My arms cross over my chest to show annoyance. How long is this going to take? Just get to the point already!**

**"Choose one. Me?" He points at himself, and then another person spawns next to the white haired Kaneki. The human Kaneki. "Or him?"**

**I look at them both and frown. Why do I have to choose? Human Kaneki is the past, while white haired Kaneki is the present. I should choose white haired Kaneki, right?**

**I hesitate. It's very clear who my choice is, but why do I draw my hand back before it can reach either of their shoulders?**

Ichimi and two others bring their cups of coffee and join me at the table. Gently, Jiro slide a cup of warm water to me. I take it gratefully, stare at the water and deep in thoughts again.

**"Hurry up, we don't have all day."**

**I glare at my subconscious. Which unfortunately took the form of white haired Kaneki. For a split second I find myself confusing even them both, if not for the misplaced voice.**

**My hand shakes in uncertainty. Obviously I would choose the snow haired right?**

**This question feels like a test, one that just springs out of nowhere and cannot be revised. If I choose wrongly, my life will forever be damned.**

**If you love a person, you can't only love a part of them, can you?**

**My hands, as if having a mind of their own, land lightly on both of their shoulders. My heart races, bombarded my ribcage painfully.**

**"Good. Then you should stop comparing both of us in your thoughts. Because regardless of the appearance, you know deep in your heart that they are the same person. The one and only Kaneki that you love. Comparison does no good."**

**Both of them dissipates, another figure appears. I don't know him, do I? Why am I imagining someone I don't know-**

**A man in black suit and pants, well groomed hair, a sweet smile with dimples showing stands there. He has black hair that is starting grow over the white that he used to have.**

**Immediately, my heart seems to shatter for the crazy speed it is pumping at. I clutch my shirt, fisting it until it wrinkles, but it did nothing to help my heart condition.**  
**Tears start to gather at my eyes. I feel a baffling sense of sadness and happiness at the same time, insecurity gripped at me.**

**It is obvious that this is Kaneki. But what happened to him? He seemed... so much more mature, another kind of charm that seems to pull me at him, the other side of him that I know I will immediately love. But will this man love me back? I compared him to my battered state.**

**"So, this is how you imagined Kaneki to be like when this is all over?" This Kaneki looks at himself all over. He raises his left hand above him, I notice before he says it.**

**My cheeks heat up.**

I feel my heart racing again, blood pumps into my head at a impossible rate that leaves me with an headache and a violent blush.

I shake my head and take a sip of my water. When I look up, the three of them look at me with concern etched in their foreheads. I smile weakly, "I am fine. Don't worry about me that much."

"Even though we are asked to watch over you, it is our duty as your friends to worry about you." Jiro says softly.

"Don't worry too much about Kaneki, he, Banjou and Tsukiyama will be back soon." Sante provides.

When I hear the gourmet's name, my grip on the cup tightened, on the verge of breaking it. I inhale steadily and release my painful grip on the innocent cup.

"I think I am going to rest more, even though I just woke up. I feel like I haven't slept at all." I excuse myself. Before I turn away, I see Jiro and Sante exchanging worry glances, while Itchimi refuses to meet my gaze for the whole time.

I sigh. I keep worrying people, goddamn it.

My hands trail the wall in case I fall. With some difficulty, I managed to open my wardrobe and take some clothes for a shower.

I scrub myself with weak arms. I stare at the sponge in my hand. My thoughts wander.

What would a future with Kaneki be like? I honestly don't know, will we even survive whatever he is so secretly searching for. We are all in a part of something bigger, are we alive because they allowed us to?

I shake off the depressing thoughts and think of other happier things. What if we all survive? What if as I dreamt, I can also have a happy ending with someone I love?

Scenes fleet before my eyes.

We snuggle together underneath a blanket on the sofa during Christmas, both of us have our hands wrapped around a cup of a coffee of our own as I finally learn to love black coffee.

Me shouting him to use less force as he scrub my back, and when it's finally my turn I make sure it's as pink as baby skin.

When both of us take a spring break from our jobs, we take a cycling trip to the countryside during spring to look at the blooming sukura. The snow falls softly during the night, he takes my hand into the pocket of his jacket as we walk through the local market that is tinted by the festive happiness.

My heart warms.

But that won't happen, will it? The future ahead of us seems so hard to see, uncertainty swarms before us.

I step out of the shower and onto the cold white tiles. Coldness seeps through my toes and legs, goosebumps immediately form on my skin. I rub my arms. I don't particularly like winter, but oh well there's nothing I can do about it.

After throwing on some clothes, I walk back to my room to sit on the bed and stare off into the space, thinking of nothing in particular. I must look like a patient that is out of his mind, sitting on the hospital bed after a traumatic incident.

When the room darkens, I am reminded me of the night we confessed to each other. I snap out of my trance and fall onto my bed. My legs curl up and I hug them.

When is Kaneki going to be back? Where did he go? What if he is in danger?

I trust Kaneki's strength, but there is always someone stronger than him.

I should really take my mind off Kaneki and stop worrying about him. My eyes close, but sleep is very far away. So I lay awake and listens to the shuffling outside. After a few door-closing and small mutterings passed between Sante and Jiro, there aren't anymore sounds. They have probably gone to sleep.

Ichimi hasn't been talking much lately, what's gotten into him?

When tired sighs and the clicking of a door reach my ears, I immediately sit up. Kaneki is back. A smile quickly forms on my face, every doubt from the morning forgotten.

"So far so good." I hear the gourmet says.

"Yes, they have been cooperative."

The corner of my lips fall slowly. I don't like the tone in Kaneki's voice, as if he will threaten to kill 'them' if 'they' are not cooperative, even though who 'they' are is unknown to me. He sounds so... like a tyrant. It reminds me of the Aogiri Tree. In order to get unwilling people to do their bidding, they threaten their lives and their loved ones.

My hand falls back onto my side from the doorknob as I slowly back away from my bedroom door. An irrational fear runs through me. What if he becomes like that?

"Is she asleep?"

I quickly jump back into my bed and hide under the covers like a child that is still up late at night, as if a thin blanket can protect the child from a monster.

A small creak reach my ears through the blanket. The light from the corridor shines into my room.

A pang of disappointment hit my chest when the door closes again without anyone coming in.

And the night passes with me tossing around restlessly.


	40. Author's notes

Sorry!!! This book will be on hiatus after a few chapters more because I am in high form now (which means a lot of work and preparing for DSE) I promise I will get back to it after I graduate from secondary school (or high school to some of u) sorry!! 

Update: 13th Sept, 2015 I need some time to formulate the plot as well. If I continue writing now it will be dragging senselessly. 


End file.
